Humor Stalin

"Stalin was a man of extraordinary energy and indomitable willpower, harsh, cruel, merciless in a conversation, which even I, brought up here in the British parliament, could not oppose anything. Stalin first of all had a great sense of humor and sarcasm and the ability to accurately perceive thoughts. The force was so great in Stalin that he seemed unique among the leaders of all time. " W. Churchill Speech in the House of Commons on December 21, 1959, the day of the 80th anniversary of Stalin, I do not know it was bad or good - the main thing that it was a leader who loved his country is developing and has not robbed her! On Stalin can write volumes and Churchill defined the outcome of his rule in one sentence: "It took Russia with a wooden plow and left with the atomic bomb." All other research can be regarded as a description of how Stalin did. Although, truth to tell, it is now clear - as it was possible to make such a monstrously backward, impoverished, devastated by two wars and two revolutions of the country? We have just this fact of our history and used to because we do not pay attention to it, taking for granted the impossible.

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Admiral Isakov 1938 was Deputy People's Commissar of the Navy. One day in 1946 Stalin called him and said that it is believed to appoint him Chief of Naval Staff, in that year renamed the General Staff of the Navy.
Isakov said: "Comrade Stalin, I must report that I have a serious drawback: one leg amputated».
"This is the only drawback, which you consider necessary to report?" - Followed by the question.
"Yes" - confirmed Adm.
"We used to be the chief of staff without a head. Nothing worked. You have no legs only - it is not scary, "- Stalin concluded.

... The negotiations were disputes about the post-war borders, and Churchill said:
"But the Lions have never been a Russian city!»
"But Warsaw was," - said Stalin ...

When designing the car "Victory" was planned that the name of the machine will be "Homeland." Learning of this, Stalin asked ironically: "Well, how do we have a homeland?" The name of the car immediately changed.

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Harriman at the Potsdam conference Stalin asked:
"After the Germans in 1941 were 18 km. from Moscow, perhaps, you are now pleased to share the defeated Berlin? »
"King Alexander came to Paris" - said Stalin.

During the war, Stalin instructed Baibakov discovery of new oil fields. When Baybakov replied that this was impossible, Stalin replied:
"It's oil, will Baybakov, not oil, will not Baybakov!».
Shortly deposits were discovered in Tatarstan and Bashkortostan.

When deciding what to do with the German navy, Stalin offered to divide and Churchill made a counter-proposal: "Flood».
Stalin replied: "That's your half and you drown».

After the war, Stalin learned that Professor K. otgrohal expensive dacha outside Moscow. He summoned him and asked, "Is it true that you have built a cottage for so many thousands ?!" - "True, Comrade Stalin," - answered the professor. "Thank you from the children's home, which you have presented this cottage," - said Stalin sent him to teach in Novosibirsk.

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During the war, the troops under the command of Baghramyan first came to the Baltic. To present the event on the pathos, the Armenian General personally poured into a bottle of water from the Baltic Sea, and ordered his adjutant to fly with this bottle in Moscow to Stalin. He and flew. But while he was flying, the Germans counterattacked and drove Bagramyan from the Baltic coast. By the time of arrival in Moscow, the adjutant of this had already been informed, and the aide did not know - on the plane did not have a radio. And now a proud part of the office of the adjutant of Stalin and pathetic declares: - Comrade Stalin, General Bagramyan sends you the water of the Baltic Sea! Stalin takes a bottle, a few seconds twirls it in his hands, and then sends back to the adjutant and says: - Give back Bagramyan, say, let pour where taken.

... Stalin called the Writers' Union, but it could not connect to any Fadeyev nor with Surkov - with none of the leadership. Posted only their secretaries. Stalin asked the members of the Politburo:
- Why did the Roman Empire? - And he said - because it began to manage the secretaries!

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Chiang Kai-shek called Stalin's & lt; a great teacher & gt ;, what Stalin remarked:
- I, too, kids!

Leshchenko, responding to a question about the sense of humor of our leaders, said that the last one, it was attended by Stalin. And once told episode:
Stalin liked to go to the Great knew all of the first artists. One day, coming to the "Aida", noticed that one of the characters seem to Amnesa plays someone he was not familiar. And it was the People's Artist of the USSR Megrelidze (not exactly, but I do not forget it, and Leshchenko). People he has become to a great extent because of "jo", ie I did not play at the level.
Stalin asked:
- And who is playing Amnesa?
- Megrelidze, Comrade Stalin, People's Artist of the USSR.
- Hmm, how generous our state ...

In October 1941, near Moscow, Zhukov decided sebat peresralis out of Moscow and moved its headquarters away from the fighting. Calls himself the supreme and made zassal Commissioner:
"In one of the busiest days of the Moscow Defence Headquarters discussed the application in the 81st Air Division, commanded by Golovanov. Suddenly the phone rang. Stalin, slowly walked up to the machine. In conversation he had never applied a phone to his ear and held it at a distance - the volume was such that we are close to all the people heard.
Called Corps Commissar Stepanov, a member of the Military Council of the Air Force. He reported that he was in Perkhushkovo, just west of Moscow, at the headquarters of the Western Front.
- How are you doing? - I asked Stalin.
- Command is concerned that the front staff is very close to the front edge of the defense. It is necessary to bring it to the east of Moscow, about the area of ​​Arzamas. A command center to organize on the eastern outskirts of Moscow.
There was a long silence.
- Comrade Stepanov, ask at the headquarters, they have a shovel? - Without raising his voice, said Stalin.
- Now. - Again, silence.
- What kind of shovel, Comrade Stalin?
- Anyway, what.
- Now there ... Shovels, Comrade Stalin.
- Pass the comrades, let take a shovel and dig their own graves. The headquarters will remain in front Perkhushkovo, and I will stay in Moscow. Bye. - He said all this calmly, without raising his voice, without a hint of irritation and slowly put down the phone. »
Before the war, he issued a decree on the punishment for being late to work more than 20 minutes. The day after its release Vasily Kachalov was late for an hour at the Moscow Art Theatre. In the theater, there was panic, and theater director has requested guidance from Stalin. The answer came in the form: "For nedovedenie to the People's Artist of the USSR, Comrade. Kachalova Decree of the Presidium of the Supreme Soviet of the USSR severely reprimanded the director of the Moscow Art Theater ».

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Yalta, in 1945, met Stalin, Churchill and Roosevelt. At this meeting it was a question about the redistribution of European borders after already coming, the end of the war. Both Churchill and Roosevelt proposed to Stalin: "Stalin! Give us the Crimea, and for that we'll give you the same size piece of Germany ».
Stalin thought a little and, with his accent says: "If you ve certainly declare my riddle, then I will give you a Crime».
And Churchill and Roosevelt shows three fingers of his left hand: large, middle and index. "Which of these three fingers seredny?" - Asked Stalin.
Churchill was surprised simplicity of the puzzles and grabbed his index finger "That's the average!»
"Neeet ... ne guess," - said Stalin.
Roosevelt felt that Stalin was cunning, and it is necessary to select them all and 5 fingers. Therefore, he pointed to the middle finger.
"Neeet ... and you guessed ne" - said Stalin. Then folded fig of three fingers of his left hand and showed it to Churchill and Roosevelt, "Here seredny! Here's our Cream! »

At a reception at the American Embassy, ​​the ambassador of the United States boasted that, they say they have in Alabama sorcerer - raises the dead.
Present at the reception VM Molotov calmly pointed out that in the USSR there is a remarkable athlete who ran ahead of the aircraft.
NS Khrushchev, having heard about this fact, Molotov summoned.
- What are you doing this, Mikhailovich, language trepesh? But what if - require the athlete to produce a miracle?
- We will first require that they presented their necromancer.
- And if to present?
- Require testing, even rouse ... Stalin, for example.
- But what if - would raise?
- Then you, Nikita, is not that the plane - rocket overtaking!

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