According to the memoirs of contemporaries, we can conclude that comrade Stalin joke was not a fool, though a sense of humour is a bit... Specific. The website
publishes a selection of witty remarks, the authorship of which is attributed to Stalin.
During the development of the automobile "Pobeda" was planned that the car will be called Rodina. Learning of this, Stalin asked ironically: "Well, how do we have a homeland?"
The name of the car changed immediately.
From the memoirs of one of the guards Stalin A. Rybina:
In Stalin's trip is often accompanied by a guard took. He was sitting in the front seat beside the driver, and used in a way to fall asleep. Someone from the members of the Politburo, with Stalin who was riding in the back seat, said:
— Comrade Stalin, I don't understand any of you who guards?
— What, — said Stalin, — he has me his gun stuck in his cloak — take, they say, just in case!
Once Stalin told that Marshal Rokossovsky had a mistress and it is a well known beautiful actress Valentina Serova. And, they say, what shall we do now?
Stalin took the pipe from his mouth, a little thought and said:
— What do we do... be jealous!
Stalin went with the First Secretary of the Georgian Central Committee A. I. Mgeladze through the alleys of the Kuntsevo dacha, and treated him with lemons that he grew in his Magnolia:
Try here, in Moscow, grew up!
And so several times between the conversation on to other topics:
Try it, lemons are good!
Finally, the interlocutor came up with:
— Comrade Stalin, I promise you that after seven years, Georgia will provide the country with lemons, and we're not going to import them from abroad.
— Thank God, guessed! — said Stalin.
The designer of artillery systems V. G. Grabin told me that on the eve of 1942, Stalin invited him and said:
— Your gun saved Russia. You want — hero of Socialist Labor and the Stalin prize?
I don't care, comrade Stalin.
During the war, troops under the command of Baghramyan first came to the Baltic. To present this event pathos, the Armenian General personally, poured in a bottle of water from the Baltic sea and ordered his men to fly with this bottle in Moscow to Stalin. He and flew. But while he was flying, the Germans counterattacked and drove Baghramyan from the Baltic coast. By the time of arrival in Moscow, the adjutant of this had already been aware of, and the adjutant did not know the plane did not have a radio. And now a proud adjutant's office is Stalin and pathetic declares:
— Comrade Stalin, General Bagramyan sends You the water of the Baltic sea!
Stalin takes a bottle, a few seconds twirls it in his hands, then gives it back to the adjutant and says:
— Give back Bagramyan, tell him to pour where took.
In 1939 he watched "the Train goes East". The film — not so hot: train rides, stops...
— What station is that? — asked Stalin.
This is where I'll go, — said Stalin and left the room.
Discussed the candidacy for the post of Minister of the coal industry.
Offered the Director of one of the Zasyadko mine. Someone said:
— All right, but he is abusing alcohol!
— Send him to me, " said Stalin. Came Zasyadko. Stalin began to talk with him and offered a drink.
— With pleasure,- said the Zasyadko, poured a glass of vodka:
— Your health, comrade Stalin! — drank and continued the conversation.
Stalin drank little and, watching carefully, offered by the latter. Zasyadko — Hlobil second glass, and in either eye. Stalin proposed at third, but his companion pushed his glass aside and said:
— Zasyadko measure knows.
Talked. At the Politburo meeting, when again the question arose about the nomination of the Minister, and again it was stated about the abuse of alcohol to the proposed candidate, Stalin, walking with the tube, said
— Zasyadko measure knows!
And for many years he headed our Zasyadko coal industry...
One Colonel-General, reported to Stalin about the situation. Supreme commander looked very pleased and nodded twice. Upon completing the report, the captain hesitated. Stalin asked: "do You want anything else to say?"
"Yes, I have a personal question. In Germany, I have selected some interesting for me things, but at the checkpoint they were detained. If possible, I would ask you to return them to me."
"It can be. Write a report, I will impose a resolution."
Colonel-General pulled out his pre-prepared report. Stalin imposed a resolution. Petitioner began warmly thanking.
"Don't mention it," said Stalin.
Read the writing on the report of the resolution: "Return the Colonel of his junk. Joseph Stalin" the General appealed to the Supreme: "Here is a typo, comrade Stalin. I'm not a Colonel, and Colonel-General".
"No, it's all right, comrade Colonel," replied Stalin.
Admiral Isakov in 1938 he was Deputy people's Commissar of the Navy. One day in 1946, Stalin called him and said that it is believed to appoint him chief of Naval staff, in that year renamed the Main staff of the Navy.
Isakov said: "Comrade Stalin, I must report that I have a serious drawback: one leg amputated".
"This is the only drawback, which you consider necessary to report?" — followed by a question.
"Yes," confirmed the Admiral.
"We used to have a chief of staff without a head. Nothing worked. You have no legs only — it's not scary," concluded Stalin.
After the war, Stalin learned that Professor K. has built near Moscow an expensive country. He called him to him and asked: "is It true that you built a country for so many thousand?!" — "The truth, comrade Stalin," replied the Professor. "Thank you from the orphanage, to whom you gave this country", — said Stalin and sent him to teach in Novosibirsk.
In the fall of 1936 in the West spread the rumor that from a serious illness died, Joseph Stalin. Charles nitter, the correspondent of news Agency associated Press, decided to obtain information from the most reliable source. He went to the Kremlin, where Stalin gave a letter in which he asked: confirm or deny this rumor.
Stalin replied the journalist immediately: "dear sir! As far as I know from reports of the foreign press, I have long left this sinful world and moved to the light. As to the reports of the foreign press not to treat with confidence if you don't want to be removed from the list of civilized people, then please believe these messages and not to disturb my rest in the silence of the world beyond.
26 Oct 1936. With respect Stalin".
As a foreign correspondent asked Stalin:
— Why on the coat of arms of Armenia depict mount Ararat, because it is not on the territory of Armenia.
— The emblem of the Turkish Crescent, and he, too, is not on the territory of Turkey.
People's Commissar of agriculture of Ukraine called on the Politburo, He asked:
— How should I report: briefly or in detail?
— As want, can short, can detail, but three minutes of regulation, — said Stalin.
At the Bolshoi Theatre prepared a new production of Glinka's Opera "Ivan Susanin". We listened to members of the Commission headed by the Chairman Bolshakov and decided that it is necessary to remove the final "hail the Russian people!": religious, Patriarchal way of life...
Reported To Stalin.
"And we will proceed differently: the final leave, and Bolshakov take off".
When deciding what to do with the German Navy, Stalin offered to share, and Churchill made a counter offer: "Flood." Stalin replied: "Here you are my half and drown".
Stalin came to the show at the Art theatre. He met Stanislavsky and held out his hand said: "Alekseev," calling his real name.
"Dzhugashvili", — said Stalin, shaking his hand, and walked to his chair.
Harriman at the Potsdam conference Stalin asked:
— After the Germans in 1941 was 18 km from Moscow, perhaps, you are now pleased to share defeated Berlin?
— King Alexander came to Paris, ' replied Stalin.
Stalin asked meteorologists what their percentage of accuracy of forecasts.
Forty percent Stalin.
— And you say the opposite, and then you will have sixty percent.
During the war Stalin ordered Baibakov opening of new oil fields. When Baibakov said that it's impossible, Stalin replied:
— Will oil be Baybakov, there is no oil, will not Baybakov!
Soon deposits were discovered in Tatarstan and Bashkortostan.