Humor Comrade Stalin

... The negotiations were disputes about the post-war borders, and Churchill said:
"But the Lions have never been a Russian city!»
"But Warsaw was," - said Stalin ...
Harriman at the Potsdam conference Stalin asked:
"After the Germans in 1941 were 18 km. from Moscow, perhaps, you are now pleased to share the defeated Berlin? »
"King Alexander came to Paris," said Stalin.
During a visit to ENEA Stalin he drew attention to the fact that exhibited tomatoes spoil, and when he sat down in the car, recalled:
"Tomatoes do not forget to remove! But tomato, I say no more. »
When Mao Zedong was Stalin, he asked permission to settle 20 million. Chinese in the Soviet Far East.
"I have my 200 million. Enough" - said Stalin.
Stalin came to play in the Hood. theater. He was met by Stanislavsky and held out his hand said, "Alexeyev," calling his real name.
"Dzhugashvili," - Stalin replied, shaking his hand, and walked to his chair.
During the war, Stalin instructed Baibakov discovery of new oil fields. When Baybakov replied that this was impossible, Stalin replied:
"It's oil, will Baybakov, not oil, will not Baybakov!»
Shortly deposits were discovered in Tatarstan and Bashkortostan.
When deciding what to do with the German navy, Stalin offered to divide and Churchill made a counter-proposal: "Flood».
Stalin replied: "That's your half and you drown».
Leshchenko, responding to a question about the sense of humor of our leaders, said that the last one, it was attended by Stalin. And once told episode:
Stalin liked to go to the Great knew all of the first artists. One day, coming to the "Aida", noticed that one of the characters seem to Amnesa plays someone he was not familiar. And it was the People's Artist of the USSR Megrelidze (not exactly, but I do not forget it, and Leshchenko). People he has become to a great extent because of "jo", ie I did not play at the level.
Stalin asked:
- And who is playing Amnesa?
- Megrelidze, Comrade Stalin, People's Artist of the USSR.
- Hmm, how generous our state ...
And immediately he added: "Do nothing.»
When Khrushchev at a meeting of the Politburo after the war, expressed his views on the construction of agrogorodov, gas, water, etc. Stalin listened, went up to him, patted him on the shoulder and said:
"My little Marx!»
The BT prepared a new production of Glinka's opera "Ivan Susanin". We listened to members of the commission headed by the chairman Bolshakov and decided that it is necessary to remove the final "Hail the Russian people!": Church, patriarchalism ...
Reported to Stalin.
"And we will proceed differently: the finale will leave and take off Bolshakov.»
Chief of General Staff of the Red Army AM Vasilevsky Stalin showed slander an entire folder to General of the Army ID Chernyakhovsky. It was in them that he had a lot of women.
"What do we do?" - Asked Vasilevsky.
"What do we do? What do we do? Will envy! »
It seems like Konstantin Simonov description of the dispute with Western journalist to freedom of expression:
- I can shout in front of the White House, that our President is a fool.
Konstantin Simonov:
- I can also on the Red Square to shout that your president is a fool.
- And about Stalin can?
Konstantin Simonov:
- I can not. Because it's not true.
About Rokossovskogo - great guy, rastavatsya ceremony with trophies, like a true Pole has always raised the first toast for the lovely ladies.
Immediately after the war, has built a cottage, all envied him. And he invited all of the Politburo and the entire General Staff, came to wash ... and Stalin. All night long walks, singing songs, recalling the war. In the morning all forgiven, then Stalin said to him:
- "Thank you very much, comrade. Rokossovsky, a good children's holiday home you built. »
On the same day the house was inhabited by orphans.
I rokossovsky himself long afterwards amused about this, and washed several times in a narrower range of the house.
People's Commissar of Agriculture of Ukraine called on the Politburo, he asked:
- How should I report: briefly or in detail?
- As you wish, you can short, can detail, but three minutes of regulation - said Stalin.
As a foreign correspondent asked Stalin:
- Why it is depicted on the emblem of Armenia Mount Ararat, because it is not on the territory of Armenia?
Stalin replied:
- The emblem of the Turkish crescent, and he, too, is not on the territory of Turkey.
Early one morning Academician Tarle awakened by a phone call.
- Comrade Tarle you read today's "Truth»?
- No, Comrade Stalin. I have not had time.
- Well, well! And do not read. And that I overlooked.
Tarle opened the paper and found a crushing article about his latest book. All were surprised how easy Tarle experiencing what happened. And after a day of "Pravda" published a book about his positive article.
Before the war Rokossovsky was arrested. Fortieth autumn, he was released and gave him the division. During the war, the division fought so well that Stalin decided to give Rokossovsky larger purpose.
Rokossovskogo withdrawn from the front.
- Well if you are familiar with the German military doctrine? - I asked Stalin.
- No, Comrade Stalin.
- And with the structure and weapons of the German army?
- No, Comrade Stalin, because I was sitting.
- I took the time to sit.
In the autumn of 1936 in the West, the rumor spread that he died from a serious illness, Joseph Stalin. Charles Nitter, correspondent of Associated Press, decided to get information from the most reliable source. He went to the Kremlin, where Stalin gave a letter in which he asked: confirm or deny this rumor.
Stalin immediately replied the journalist: "Sir! As far as I know from the reports of the foreign press, I have long since left this sinful world and moved to the light. As to the foreign press reports one can not be trusted, if you do not want to be removed from the list of civilized people, I ask you to believe these reports and not to violate my rest in the silence of the other world.
October 26, 1936. With respect Stalin ».
In the first postwar year, Finance Minister A. Zverev, concerned about the high fees of several major writers who prepared the memorandum and presented it to Stalin. He asked him to invite Zvereva.
When the minister came, Stalin, without offering him a seat, said: "So, it turns out that we have writers millionaires? Terrible sound, Comrade Zverev? Millionaires writers! ».
"Terrible, Stalin, horrible" - confirmed the Minister.
Stalin financier handed a folder with a note written by him: "Awful, Comrade Zverev, that we have so few writers millionaires! Writers - is the memory of the nation. And what they write if they live from hand to mouth? »
Admiral Isakov 1938 was Deputy People's Commissar of the Navy. One day in 1946 Stalin called him and said that it is believed to appoint him Chief of Naval Staff, in that year renamed the General Staff of the Navy.
Isakov said: "Comrade Stalin, I must report that I have a serious drawback: one leg amputated».
"This is the only drawback, which you consider necessary to report?" - Followed by the question.
"Yes" - confirmed Adm.
"We used to be the chief of staff without a head. Nothing worked. You have no legs only - it is not scary, "- Stalin concluded.
The number of sources is presented as a genuine case of such an episode.
One Colonel-General reported to Stalin on the situation. Supreme Commander looked very happy and nodded twice. After graduating from the report, the captain hesitated. Stalin asked: "Do you want anything else to say?»
"Yes, I have a personal question. In Germany, I have selected some interesting me things, but at the checkpoint they were detained. If possible, I would ask you to return them to me ».
"It's possible. Write a report, I will lay a resolution ».
Colonel-General pulled out a pre-prepared report. Stalin imposed resolution. Petitioner began warmly thanking.
"Not at all," - said Stalin.
Read the writing on the report of the resolution: "Return the colonel of his junk. Stalin, "the general asked the Supreme:" Then slip, Comrade Stalin. I'm not Colonel and Colonel-General ».
"No, it's all right, Comrade Colonel," - said Stalin.
They discussed the candidacy for the post of Minister of Coal Industry.
To invite the Director of one of the Zasyadko mine. Someone said:
- All is well, but he is abusing alcohol!
- Invite him to me, - said Stalin. Came Zasyadko. Stalin began to talk with him and offered a drink.
- With pleasure, - said the Zasyadko, poured a glass of vodka: - Your health, Comrade Stalin! - I drank and continued the conversation.
Stalin drank little and carefully watching offered by the latter. Zasyadko - Hlobil second glass, and in one eye. Stalin proposed by the third, but his companion pushed his glass aside and said:
- Zasyadko measure knows.
They talked. At a meeting of the Politburo, when once again raised the question of the candidacy of the Minister, and again it was stated on the abuse of alcohol proposed candidate, Stalin, walking with a pipe, said:
- Zasyadko measure knows!
And for many years he headed our Zasyadko coal industry ...
Academician Bogomolets theorized longevity, and Stalin gave him under this business institute. However, the academician died in 1946, lived only 65 years.
- All puffed out! - Stalin said after learning of his death.
After the war, Bulganin was appointed Minister of Defense, and he began to prepare to take hits - learn to ride. He led most of Smyrna mare, and he trained in the Kremlin courtyard. Stalin came out, looked at it and said:
- You're sitting on the horse, as the head of the PX!
At once there is a civilian face with a beard and Bulganin in uniform ... The parade began to take on cars.
"Still, a sense of humor Stalin can not refuse!" - Laughing, Colonel-General A.N.Ponomarev, told me this episode. (F.Chuev)
... Polikarpov party officials said they want to send to the responsible secretary of the Writers' Union. Polikarpov pleaded:
- I used to work with normal people, but they also pisateli- drunkards, quite unmanageable ...
When this was reported to Stalin, he said:
- Pass Comrade Polikarpov that other writers I have.
Introducing Mao actor Boris Andreyev, starred in the movie "The Fall of Berlin", Stalin said:
- That the actor Boris Andreyev. We took with him two of Berlin.
Forced stop (F.Chuev)
Different people who happened to watch movies with Stalin, told me a lot of episodes on this topic. Here is one of them.
In 1939, we watched "The train goes to the east." The film - not so hot: train rides, stops ...
- What is the station? - I asked Stalin.
- Demjanovka.
- This is where I'll go, - said Stalin and left the room.
... Stalin called the Writers' Union, but it could not connect to any Fadeyev nor with Surkov - with none of the leadership. Posted only their secretaries. Stalin asked the members of the Politburo:
- Why did the Roman Empire? - And he said - because it began to manage the secretaries!
Think about your
Actor Abrikosov at a reception in the Kremlin shouted:
- Your health, Comrade Stalin! - And drank a glass of vodka in one gulp.
Stalin told him quietly:
- Think about her.
Tired of waiting ...
The People's Commissar of high school Kaftanov during the war, was in charge of research and development. They arrested the chief of the control mortar, with whom he contacted. Caftans, who knew about the arrest, the Politburo Stalin said that four days can not get through to this fellow, and added:
- I ask you, Comrade Stalin, to punish him!
- And where he? - I asked Stalin.
- We, - said Beria.
... After some time, this fellow appeared in the doorway.
- Sit down, and we have been waiting for - said Stalin.
Designer artillery systems G.Grabin B. told me that on the eve of 1942, Stalin invited him and said:
- Your gun saved Russia. You want - Hero of Socialist Labor and the Stalin Prize?
- I do not care, Comrade Stalin.
Dali and then, and more. (F.Chuev)
Vannykova war suddenly released from prison, was brought to Stalin, who appointed him Commissar. Vannikov said:
- Tomorrow I will manifest myself to the Commissariat, yesterday's prisoner. What I would have authority among subordinates?
- About your authority we take care of, - said Stalin. - I took the time to sit!
In the morning, when Vannikov came to work on his desk lay & lt; True & gt; Decree on awarding him the title of Hero of Socialist Labor.
Stalin asked Patriarch Alexy of All Russia for permission to open a church in Moscow.
- Open - said Stalin. - Russian mothers have someone to pray there for whom the cry.
Encouraged patriarch dared to ask for permission to open, and spiritual education. Stalin allowed to open theological schools, seminaries and about said: "History knows cases where seminaries out of good revolutionaries! And yet, they are of little avail. You see, I was in the seminary, and nothing good came of it ».
Great Teacher
Chiang Kai-shek called Stalin's & lt; a great teacher & gt ;, what Stalin remarked:
- I, too, kids!
Stalin went to the First Secretary of the Georgian AI Mgeladze the alleys Kuntsevsky cottages and treated him lemons, which he raised in his Lemongrass:
- Try here, near Moscow, have grown! And so a few times between the conversation to other topics:
- Try it, lemons are good! Finally it dawned interlocutor:
- Comrade Stalin, I promise you that after seven years, Georgia will provide to lemons, and we will not import them from abroad.
- Thank God, guess! - Said Stalin.
From the memoirs of one of Stalin's bodyguards A.Rybina.
In Stalin's trip is often accompanied by a guard Took. He sat in the front seat beside the driver, and used in a way to fall asleep. One of the members of the Politburo, with Stalin, who was riding in the back seat, remarked:
- Comrade Stalin, I do not understand any of you who guards?
- What is this, - said Stalin - he had me his pistol stuck in his cloak - take, they say, just in case!
The "Metropol»
... Sergei Mikhalkov was sitting, all the while looking at Stalin, as if urging him to pay attention. Stalin felt it and said Mao:
- This writer Mikhalkov. It is impossible not to notice! - Meaning, apparently, and tall Sergei Vladimirovich.
Molotov was sitting, as usual, next to Stalin. Seizing the moment when Vyacheslav left, Mikhalkov sat down to Stalin. Molotov returned and noticed that his place is taken, stepped aside. But Stalin said:
- Comrade Mikhalkov, on two chairs hard to sit!
Stalin said the leader of the Czechoslovak communists and the first president of Czechoslovakia, Klement Gottwald:
- Are you in all its country the only decent man, and the drunkard!
Percent accuracy
Stalin asked meteorologists what their percentage of the accuracy of forecasts.
- Forty percent of Comrade Stalin.
- And you say the opposite, and then you will have sixty percent.
1949 marked the 70th anniversary of Stalin at the Bolshoi Theatre. Stalin was gloomy, not listening to the speeches, out of the presidium of the wings, smoked. Behind the scenes, he got to meet the leader of the Hungarian Matyas Rakosi.
- How old are you, Comrade Rakosi? - I asked Stalin.
- Fifty-six - stretched Rakosi.
- Komsomolets - Stalin said and patted him on the shoulder.
The chief architect of Moscow Posokhin, reported to Stalin the idea of ​​restructuring the Red Square. Before him the layout of the area in miniature.
- Stalin - a trembling voice grit architect - building of GUM little otodvinu back - shaking hands, taking the layout of GUM and pushes him back.
- A Historical Museum move the little bit down. And St. Basil's Cathedral ...
Stalin interrupted.
- That, in the MEST palazhi!



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