10 Signs You and Your Girlfriend Have Been Roommates

It's a shame when passion fades and you and your girlfriend become roommates. But everything can be corrected if you realize in time that this happened.




Attention! According to research by psychologists, 67% of couples go through the “neighborhood” phase in the first 3-5 years of a relationship. The main thing is to notice it in time and take action.


Love is not just the butterflies in the stomach and the dizzying passion of the first months. It goes through various stages, and one of the most insidious is the transformation of romantic partners into ordinary roommates. This process occurs gradually, almost unnoticed, but the consequences can be catastrophic for a relationship.

Dr. John Gottman, a world-renowned researcher of family relationships, identifies several critical periods in the development of couples. One of them is the transition from passionate love to companionship. It is important to understand that this is a normal process, but only if it does not go too far.

The Psychology of Neighborhood Syndrome

73%
Couples who do not actively work on the relationship become roommates during the first five years of their life together.


The phenomenon of turning partners into roommates has deep psychological roots. Neuroscientists explain this by a decrease in the level of dopamine and norepinephrine - neurotransmitters responsible for feelings of love and euphoria. In parallel with this, addiction to a partner at the level of the central nervous system occurs.

However, the problem is not only in the biochemistry of the brain. Social psychologists point to the role of routine, reduced emotional intimacy, and loss of interest in a partner’s inner world. Gradually, the couple begins to function as an effective economic unit, but loses its romantic and emotional component.



10 Signs of Neighborhood Transformation

The disappearance of spontaneity
Remember when you suddenly offered to go for a walk in the rain or have a picnic on the balcony? Now any deviation from the usual routine causes irritation. Everything became predictable: breakfast at 8:00, work, dinner in front of the TV, sleep. Spontaneity is the oxygen for romantic relationships, and without it, they suffocate.


Silence instead of talking
Before, you could talk until morning about everything. Now the dialogue is reduced to "What for dinner?" and "Don't forget to pay for communal." Deep conversations about dreams, fears, plans are a thing of the past. Psychologists call it an emotional divorce while maintaining a formal marriage.


Lack of physical proximity
It's not just about intimacy, it's about simple touch. Once upon a time, you couldn't walk past each other without touching. Now even casual contact in the kitchen is awkward. Hugs became formal, kisses became ritual.


Separate pastime
Everyone is immersed in his own world: she reads, he plays the console. You live parallel lives under one roof. Even spend weekends alone or in the company of other people, but not with each other.


The disappearance of compliments and gratitude
When was the last time you told your partner how beautiful she looked? Or thank you for a delicious dinner? Small attentions seem unnecessary because "she already knows I appreciate her." But it is these little things that maintain a romantic atmosphere.


Loss of interest in the life of a partner
You used to be interested in everything: how her day went, what she thinks about the movie, what her plans are. Now you know more about your colleagues’ lives than your girlfriend’s. The emotional distance is growing every day.


Domestic conflicts only
The only serious conversation is about who will take out the trash or why the dishes aren't cleaned. There are no deep conflicts, but there are no deep reconciliations. It's a sign of emotional detachment - you just don't care.


Lack of joint plans
Plans for vacation, shopping, moving are discussed formally. There is no burning desire to build something together. The future is seen as a continuation of the present, without romance and common dreams.


Smartphones are more important than communication
Social networks, games, correspondence with friends have become more interesting than live communication with a partner. At dinner, everyone looks at their screen. This is a clear sign of emotional deficit in a relationship.


The disappearance of jealousy and possessiveness
Strangely, it is also an alarming symptom. A healthy dose of jealousy indicates that your partner is valuable. Complete indifference to his contacts with the opposite sex can signal that feelings have cooled.



It's important to understand: The presence of 2-3 signs from the list is normal for long-term relationships. Anxiety should be hit if you find yourself in 5 or more points.


A scientific view of the problem

A 2019 study by the University of California found that couples who actively work to maintain romance are 40% more likely to maintain a strong relationship after 10 years of living together. Key success factors are regular quality time together, physical intimacy and emotional openness.

Neuropsychologist Helen Fisher, in her book The Anatomy of Love, explains that the brain is able to maintain romantic feelings throughout life, but certain conditions are required for this. The main thing is the novelty of experiences with a partner.



Step-by-step plan for the return of passion

Step 1: An honest conversation
Discuss the problem openly. Don’t blame each other, talk about your needs. Use "I-messages": "I miss our long conversations" instead of "You've become silent."


Step 2: The 20 Minutes of Intimacy Rule
Give each other 20 minutes each day. No phones, TV and other distractions. Just talk, hug, share the impressions of the day.


Step 3: Returning Spontaneity
Do something unexpected once a week. This can be a walk along a new route, dinner by candlelight or a sudden declaration of love in SMS.


Step 4: Physical contact
Hug at least 6 times a day. This is a scientifically justified norm for the production of oxytocin - the "love hormone". Hold hands when watching movies.


Step 5: Common New Impressions
Try something new together: dancing, cooking courses, traveling to an unfamiliar place. Novelty stimulates the production of dopamine and returns the feeling of falling in love.


Working on yourself

Paradoxically, sometimes you need to work on yourself first to improve a relationship. Develop as a person, have your own interests and hobbies. An interesting person attracts the attention of a partner. Many couples mistakenly think that merging into one is the ideal. In fact, a healthy relationship is a union of two separate individuals.

Psychologist Esther Perel, in his work Return to Love, emphasizes the importance of maintaining individuality in a couple. "The fire of passion needs air and the air is the space between partners," she says.

Main conclusion
Becoming a roommate is not a sentence, but a signal to action. Most couples go through this stage, but only those who are aware of the problem and working to solve it come out of the crisis even stronger. Remember: love is not only a feeling, but also a daily choice to be together, be interested in each other and create happiness with your own hands.


Glossary
dopamine
A neurotransmitter responsible for feelings of pleasure and motivation. In the context of relationships, it is the chemical basis of love and passion.


norepinephrine
Stress and arousal hormone, which is also involved in the formation of romantic feelings and attachment.


Oxytocin
The “hormone of love and attachment” is produced by physical contact, strengthens the emotional connection between partners.


Emotional divorce
Psychological state in which partners formally stay together, but emotionally distant from each other.


"I-messages"
A communication technique in which a person talks about their feelings and needs without blaming a partner. Helps avoid conflict.


Comradely love
A type of love based on deep affection, trust and care, but with a reduced level of passion and romance.