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The formula of love for "prisoners of wedlock"
Creaking in the locks of the iron door from the dark chamber keys...have You ever thought about what a beautiful phrase: "Marriages are made in heaven", the key word is "lie"?
"Prisoner - a person in a place of detention, in respect of which as a preventive measure of detention" (TS).
Despite the fact that I have great respect for the institution of marriage, sometimes after work with couples, I have a strong feeling that I'm the prison psychologist, and my clients – prisoners, who had spent many years in isolation, in "suffocating close space wedding ring" rattling chain of iron core and through the bars occasionally admiring the "sky of freedom in the box"... and I was simultaneously a defense attorney, the Prosecutor and the judge who should make the final verdict of their loving Union...
But, in fact, one of the first questions that I ask myself in my mind, taking a couple is the question not "Who is guilty?" and even: "what Not to do?" but rather: "What is the emotional maturity level of each spouse?".
And this maturity has nothing to do with age, life experience, financial standing and professional achievements...It is rather, about the power of personality, level of maturity of each, willingness to take responsibility for their lives, the ability to change the habitual style of thinking is not to look for in others and in themselves the cause of their problems, the ability to see the "picture" as a whole, not trying to trap the fault of Another, becoming isolated in their offense...
At the time of treatment, couples generally are under gambling and exchange of claims – the total of "bombing the enemy's territory"... eager to prove to the Other that He (and only He) is to blame for the desperate situation that their marriage is reminiscent of the "ashes" and "the ruins of the olden dreams"...
Fooled, selfish, putting in first place his, not "their" interests (which in their honest view is often "our" (i.e. "shared")...
How could he? And who is he then?...
"I got married, sincerely thinking that the wife will be around to understand and support me"..."
"I got married in the belief that her husband will ALL understand and support me"...
But, instead, to be a reliable, caring, very approachable...HE (SHE) is demanding, unpredictable, Intrusive and, frankly, openly SELFISH!!!
Make HIM (HER) something... Explain, convince, make to change your behavior !!!
But therapy is not a court...there is no accused and defendants ("Right or wrong")... There are a couple that are in a difficult period, "the cycle of destructive interactions", when the old rules of the game — the usual means of relationship no longer work and need to find a new, because the situation (or the members of a pair has changed...)
The initiator of the care, usually, is the one who is less Mature and does not wish to participate in the "project" (and, frankly, just are not capable of honest analysis of their relationship). For him the recognition of his contribution to the problem and the need for change (because the usual mechanism is already not working...) – too complicated, too unbearable, too hard — just – too...
After all, otherwise you'll have to agree that it is, for example, a fully "colonized" partner, and has long enjoyed its resources, in the hope that he will not notice the manipulation, coercion, and the simple fact that without it he will not survive, to realize that he over and over again "parasite" in relation to the Other, requiring him for something he doesn't know how, do not want or can not give or find for himself... And his partner, is forced to face the fact, he does not dare to live in the best of their ability and not willing to change the situation...
"Where the tree of knowledge, there is always Paradise"... so broadcast and the oldest and the newest of the snake" F. Nietzsche
But whether always it so? "Where the tree of knowledge, there is the beginning of learning by trial and error" – I would like to think therapists, but is it always?.. Maybe sometimes, and do not pair this "bleed" of openness in the relationship? At least at this particular moment, artificially "accelerated", "catalyzed" by therapy? (for example, at 9 months pregnant 4th child to know that the husband goes to his mistress, because for many years it only "crashes")...
Believing in therapy, and that "long on tiptoe" will not stand, and, "all the secret sooner or later becomes apparent"... I have always believed that therapy is a risk (to learn a little more than the "planned" about ourselves and the Other) ... And if couples decide to separate and search for a more suitable partner, or to stay together, and continue his lonely struggle for the improvement of "defective" members, or to accept the fact that there is... I always respected their choice...
But with great respect I am one of those couples that are still deciding – "work on yourself and the relationship" and often, not realizing what "signed" and how hard it is (with all the psychologist)...
Usually before people are turning to a specialist, they themselves are trying to cope with the difficulties of reading the relevant literature (the lack of it is not today), meditate, take some independent attempts to change the situation... And if they manage to escape from the total evidence of guilt of the partner and the vicious circle of their grievances, often find other generic "bad guys"...Well, who in our time does not know that "we all come from childhood", and the main culprits of our unhappiness – Parents..., but first and foremost, MOM?
It is "loaded" us negative messages, directives, and complexes that are "poisoned" our lives, "deprived of wings," and still "pulsing" under the surface of our subsequent relations with other people, turning our lives into hell. If it is better to fulfill their Duties, I'd be a HAPPY man, not someone sitting on reception at the psychologist... And my marriage would be like a "minefield" where it is impossible to move a step without running into a stretch...
"Mom must die! (symbolically) – another pretty generic phrase, which usually accept all participants (professionals and clients).
Here only, so I want to ask, what next? Are you ready to live in a New Wondrous world without a Mother?
What it is this post-apocalyptic world, where"World – MOTHER" are no more?
A world where you're not a little child led by the hand by a large ADULT who ALWAYS accepts you for who you are, provides overall direction to your life and responsible for the consequences of decisions?
A world where we no longer have someone to hide, and we are forced to notice, to reckon and adjust to Other differences, too, by the way, most likely having a "Mother-Monster" and "Pope of darkness" (the options), i.e., as we are "injured the environment", and decades of nurturing children dream of a "Magical Saviour" (partner) and heavenly happiness without effort?
A world where we have to negotiate and adapt and sometimes abandon their desires for common goals?...
Quite ready?
Then you don't need therapy, and we'll never meet at the reception...
No? Then I'll help you to the best of their ability, because usually, we very reluctantly, against his will, recognizethe basic principles of dynamics of relations,which are present at all times:
1. "We are by nature inclined to project onto the Other what you do not know about ourselves (the unconscious) or do not want to know about ourselves (the Shadow), or our reluctance to grow up and take responsibility for their lives (our stubborn immaturity).
2. Because Another doesn't want, can't and must take responsibility for what we "postponed" (for our unconscious, our Shadow, our immaturity), the relationship tends to degenerate into a problem of Power with its need to control or manipulate Others or blame, with its usual pair of victim and executioner.
3. In this case, the relationship remains the choice of decay, accusation, anger-management and depression, or Growing up. The only way to grow and to create a realistic relationship, worthy of spent time and effort, is to withdraw the projection and the transfer time to recognize their shadow as its contents and take responsibility for their emotional well-being and spiritual growth...". Hollis George.
The sad reality is that only Adults can have a Mature relationship, and although there are a lot of people with big bodies and big roles in this life, the adults among them not so much... Most of us cannot bear to admit that in our not young "deep inside the misery of daily life continues bleeding love" (Hollis, J.), and the hope that growing up will not have to...
After all, the process of maturity requires recourse to the difficult questions (to which we usually are not ready):
But, soft bedroom Slippers...and hold stronger than cast iron...(C)published
Author: Tina Ulasevich
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©
Source: www.b17.ru/article/45707/
"Prisoner - a person in a place of detention, in respect of which as a preventive measure of detention" (TS).
Despite the fact that I have great respect for the institution of marriage, sometimes after work with couples, I have a strong feeling that I'm the prison psychologist, and my clients – prisoners, who had spent many years in isolation, in "suffocating close space wedding ring" rattling chain of iron core and through the bars occasionally admiring the "sky of freedom in the box"... and I was simultaneously a defense attorney, the Prosecutor and the judge who should make the final verdict of their loving Union...
But, in fact, one of the first questions that I ask myself in my mind, taking a couple is the question not "Who is guilty?" and even: "what Not to do?" but rather: "What is the emotional maturity level of each spouse?".
And this maturity has nothing to do with age, life experience, financial standing and professional achievements...It is rather, about the power of personality, level of maturity of each, willingness to take responsibility for their lives, the ability to change the habitual style of thinking is not to look for in others and in themselves the cause of their problems, the ability to see the "picture" as a whole, not trying to trap the fault of Another, becoming isolated in their offense...
At the time of treatment, couples generally are under gambling and exchange of claims – the total of "bombing the enemy's territory"... eager to prove to the Other that He (and only He) is to blame for the desperate situation that their marriage is reminiscent of the "ashes" and "the ruins of the olden dreams"...
Fooled, selfish, putting in first place his, not "their" interests (which in their honest view is often "our" (i.e. "shared")...
How could he? And who is he then?...
"I got married, sincerely thinking that the wife will be around to understand and support me"..."
"I got married in the belief that her husband will ALL understand and support me"...
But, instead, to be a reliable, caring, very approachable...HE (SHE) is demanding, unpredictable, Intrusive and, frankly, openly SELFISH!!!
Make HIM (HER) something... Explain, convince, make to change your behavior !!!
But therapy is not a court...there is no accused and defendants ("Right or wrong")... There are a couple that are in a difficult period, "the cycle of destructive interactions", when the old rules of the game — the usual means of relationship no longer work and need to find a new, because the situation (or the members of a pair has changed...)
The initiator of the care, usually, is the one who is less Mature and does not wish to participate in the "project" (and, frankly, just are not capable of honest analysis of their relationship). For him the recognition of his contribution to the problem and the need for change (because the usual mechanism is already not working...) – too complicated, too unbearable, too hard — just – too...
After all, otherwise you'll have to agree that it is, for example, a fully "colonized" partner, and has long enjoyed its resources, in the hope that he will not notice the manipulation, coercion, and the simple fact that without it he will not survive, to realize that he over and over again "parasite" in relation to the Other, requiring him for something he doesn't know how, do not want or can not give or find for himself... And his partner, is forced to face the fact, he does not dare to live in the best of their ability and not willing to change the situation...
"Where the tree of knowledge, there is always Paradise"... so broadcast and the oldest and the newest of the snake" F. Nietzsche
But whether always it so? "Where the tree of knowledge, there is the beginning of learning by trial and error" – I would like to think therapists, but is it always?.. Maybe sometimes, and do not pair this "bleed" of openness in the relationship? At least at this particular moment, artificially "accelerated", "catalyzed" by therapy? (for example, at 9 months pregnant 4th child to know that the husband goes to his mistress, because for many years it only "crashes")...
Believing in therapy, and that "long on tiptoe" will not stand, and, "all the secret sooner or later becomes apparent"... I have always believed that therapy is a risk (to learn a little more than the "planned" about ourselves and the Other) ... And if couples decide to separate and search for a more suitable partner, or to stay together, and continue his lonely struggle for the improvement of "defective" members, or to accept the fact that there is... I always respected their choice...
But with great respect I am one of those couples that are still deciding – "work on yourself and the relationship" and often, not realizing what "signed" and how hard it is (with all the psychologist)...
Usually before people are turning to a specialist, they themselves are trying to cope with the difficulties of reading the relevant literature (the lack of it is not today), meditate, take some independent attempts to change the situation... And if they manage to escape from the total evidence of guilt of the partner and the vicious circle of their grievances, often find other generic "bad guys"...Well, who in our time does not know that "we all come from childhood", and the main culprits of our unhappiness – Parents..., but first and foremost, MOM?
It is "loaded" us negative messages, directives, and complexes that are "poisoned" our lives, "deprived of wings," and still "pulsing" under the surface of our subsequent relations with other people, turning our lives into hell. If it is better to fulfill their Duties, I'd be a HAPPY man, not someone sitting on reception at the psychologist... And my marriage would be like a "minefield" where it is impossible to move a step without running into a stretch...
"Mom must die! (symbolically) – another pretty generic phrase, which usually accept all participants (professionals and clients).
Here only, so I want to ask, what next? Are you ready to live in a New Wondrous world without a Mother?
What it is this post-apocalyptic world, where"World – MOTHER" are no more?
A world where you're not a little child led by the hand by a large ADULT who ALWAYS accepts you for who you are, provides overall direction to your life and responsible for the consequences of decisions?
A world where we no longer have someone to hide, and we are forced to notice, to reckon and adjust to Other differences, too, by the way, most likely having a "Mother-Monster" and "Pope of darkness" (the options), i.e., as we are "injured the environment", and decades of nurturing children dream of a "Magical Saviour" (partner) and heavenly happiness without effort?
A world where we have to negotiate and adapt and sometimes abandon their desires for common goals?...
Quite ready?
Then you don't need therapy, and we'll never meet at the reception...
No? Then I'll help you to the best of their ability, because usually, we very reluctantly, against his will, recognizethe basic principles of dynamics of relations,which are present at all times:
1. "We are by nature inclined to project onto the Other what you do not know about ourselves (the unconscious) or do not want to know about ourselves (the Shadow), or our reluctance to grow up and take responsibility for their lives (our stubborn immaturity).
2. Because Another doesn't want, can't and must take responsibility for what we "postponed" (for our unconscious, our Shadow, our immaturity), the relationship tends to degenerate into a problem of Power with its need to control or manipulate Others or blame, with its usual pair of victim and executioner.
3. In this case, the relationship remains the choice of decay, accusation, anger-management and depression, or Growing up. The only way to grow and to create a realistic relationship, worthy of spent time and effort, is to withdraw the projection and the transfer time to recognize their shadow as its contents and take responsibility for their emotional well-being and spiritual growth...". Hollis George.
The sad reality is that only Adults can have a Mature relationship, and although there are a lot of people with big bodies and big roles in this life, the adults among them not so much... Most of us cannot bear to admit that in our not young "deep inside the misery of daily life continues bleeding love" (Hollis, J.), and the hope that growing up will not have to...
After all, the process of maturity requires recourse to the difficult questions (to which we usually are not ready):
- "What my dependencies are manifested in the relationship and that I should pay attention, to stop being dependent?
- I ask my partner should be able to do myself, if I'm going to be self-respecting adults, fully responsible for the way things are going in my life?
- How I constantly restrict myself, over and over again reimporter my story with all the charged reflective reactions in a current relationship?
- Do I support my partner, while not shifting his responsibility to grow and to become free adults?" Hollis George.
But, soft bedroom Slippers...and hold stronger than cast iron...(C)published
Author: Tina Ulasevich
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©
Source: www.b17.ru/article/45707/
