Separation from parents...
About a third of all client queries — about relationships with parents. Gathering courage to look at the drama of his life, daring to see the unpleasant truth about themselves in the parental home — a person suddenly acquires the power. The strength to withstand this truth, to agree with her drama and accept her as part of their history. And stop to seek a lost love and care or compensation for the endured suffering. This process of separation.
Starts usually with these topics:
So say the people who have not separated from their parents.
- After my mother's call I a half-day walk in the gloom, digest.
- Why as soon as I feel better, she should immediately drop me?
- Would have left long ago, but how can you leave your parents? They are very dependent.
- Should my mom say "what am I?" immediately covers the guilt, and I find it easier to abandon the plans.
- I didn't have a father. That is, he was, but didn't do anything for us.
What do you mean"not separated"? 1.
Did not become Autonomous (even if been living separately and rarely communicate with them).2.
Don't take responsibility for their condition, their achievements, the events of his life (even if I learned how to run and manage, purchased the property or received the status). 3.
Sure and feels that mom or dad are still an obstacle in his goals and dreams (even if they are dead or never heard of them).
Once at the lecture Mark Yarhouse in family therapy recorded phrase: "Separation from parents or partner is the individual's ability to perform Autonomous straight (not manipulative) separate elections, remaining in emotional connection with the system of significant relations".
Here it is! Offline and remaining in emotional connection.
Separation from parents is not to part with them and become economically independent (most of this more or less right). It become emotionally independent. Stop to prove to revel in doing the opposite, annoyed, offended parents, afraid of their assessments and their actions, waiting for, or require help and take her for granted, and not as a bonus or the result of a contract between two adults, to avoid, to ignore, to care, to intervene into their lives, solve their problems, to postpone because of them, dreams and plans, to see in them the cause of my failed life.
We are not talking about occasional or emergency situations. At the critical moment normal to drop everything and rush to help. But if it lasts you 30, 40, and you still don't live where I want and dreamed, because of my parents (which is maybe already dead), then you have not yet separated.
Remember, as a systemic therapist Marianne Franke-Grix said in one seminar:
— You have 30, enough to require mom! You enough!
-"Mom-mom-mom! How much do you want to continue to live? What do you think, who's the mother? It is that Holy, which should fulfill all your childhood expectations? Or she is a person with human capabilities and shortcomings?"
"Human capabilities and deficiencies" means that parents are just people, good and bad at the same time, like all people on earth.
They are not the Almighty gods, what was for us in infancy. Not the source of all wealth and pleasures, what was for us in early childhood. Not someone who need to make excuses, to wait for permission, approval, and try not to disappoint, as it was in elementary school. Not stupid and limited beings, pressing and not giving to live as they (possibly) was seen in adolescence. They are what they are. What made them life and they themselves. They can be noble, indifferent, not interested, selfish. They can solve their problems at your expense.And Yes, they may not love.
To become Autonomous is to recognize it. Agree that you could not to love that you could use could win you your injury and get you into their destructive processes.
The parents behaved with you, as best they could, and cease to demand their "tribute for 12 years."To see is not perfect (and, in fact, unattainable!), a real image of parents, accept it and start to get all "negadanno". This means to separate.
Agree that the parents something they could not. Can be to prepare. It may be — to sing. Maybe — love. Can — care. Can — control. Can — chat. Can-to maintain order. Can — enjoy. Can cope with difficulties.
They might not be able to do something or many things. To secede is to recognize this and stop the demand and the desire to. If your mom can't cook — will you expect from her culinary delights? No, most likely, even if you really like to eat. You will become a regular at your favorite cafes/restaurants or finish culinary school.
Then why you need to love yourself from the Pope, who can not love?
Or heat from a mom who doesn't know how to feel? To demand, to expect, to take offense, not getting angry, wanting to prove or revenge — signs that you have not yet separated.
To be Autonomous means to recognize the autonomy of the parents abandoning the child of arrogance that tells us that without us mom/dad can't handle.
Or fear that zastavlyayut parents, not to be a bad daughter or son.
To be Autonomous means to accept the fact that parents can not live the way we like it: not to care about the health, behave ugly, to quarrel among themselves, to say what we don't want to listen, want from us what we don't want to give.Agree with this really, just showing respect. Deep respect for their choice how to live. Then we are separated.
If you say to yourself "Yes, I respect their way to live!" and do feel shame, irritation and a desire to fix, or blame, the desire to please and "to give back" or prove, defend, argue, protest — you are respected and you are separated. Respect is complete acceptance of all that parents do, without emotion and desire to rescue, to escape, to avenge or correct.
If you think that parents without you can not cope, will be gone — you have no respect. And you are confusing custody and care. Concern is understanding the needs and help (not to the detriment of themselves and others) to their satisfaction. Guardianship is the appointment of the incapacitated person and doing for him what he can and should do yourself. Care is respect, care not.
In you tower over your parents, you feel your strength and power. Caring, you interact, taking her comfortable place next to mom or dad. When you care — you are comfortable. If you feel uncomfortable — then you patronize or serve. The care and service they say that you have not yet separated.
"If the child thinks: "I need you and mom, no I can't" — a child in the service. Children often believe that they can and should save your mother or father how to make their fate less than it really is.
Fate has dignity. To stop interfering in the lives of parents and save them, you need to move away to a distance and see their fate. Then with respect to accept their fate.
It's called grow up"
© Marianne Franke-Grics, March 2016.A little more of the guilt:
It is so arranged in this world that parents give (give) the children's life. Children do not return the received parents and give "debt" to their children.
In relations with parents, children can never achieve equality. Equivalent can give the child to parents for the life? Your life? They do not need. So nothing.
He will give life to their children. Or his "spiritual children" — ideas, projects, achievements. This facilitates its separation from the parental family when he becomes an adult.
Fault occurs in children when they get older (can't pay the debt). This wine is a normal part of growing up. We just live, knowing that this separation from their parents.Complete separation from the parents is impossible without full convergence.
First you need to get closer. Come to the parents, if you have been distanced or ignore/avoid them. A good war if you're mad. To declare the borders, if you are afraid and allow you to intervene in your life. Then to see them older eyes — as something bad and something good. To accept that others they will not. To hear in respect to their way of life. Agree that you have all given and will not give.Then believe that you are now the only person who can give you everything you want to. This is growing up.
Author: Ksenia Wittenberg
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©