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9 the axioms of the parents who must be aware of all of us
Our parents — the people are no less traumatized than ourselves. In many places they got only a fraction of what us. And attention, and warmth, and wealth. Not had them then and psychologists, books and training, and culture to enjoy. Didn't their parents read books about parenting, and even the same Spock. Brought up as best he could, as best he could.
They lived with his heart aching in pain and anguish all his life, not knowing where to put it. Themselves to know no time, building a five-year plan in three years. They had a different life filled with other people's meanings, purposes and plans.
Yes, it was a different time, when listening to myself was not adopted, when the possibilities were strictly limited, and when money was not so much. Although much more has been what is missing now. But to be a then — sounded weird. Whether Communist, engineer, worker, veteran of labor. Need a person in the society. This is important.
In their childhood the norm was a nursery with three to four months, the straps over the beds, to fear, busy parents and party ideology. In this crowd to the feelings and needs of each particular person nobody cared. Exactly.
Their hearts, in which all the experiences are hidden, closed the huge locks. And open now it's rusty miracle — very scary.
Because for so many years, I have accumulated a lot of things unrealistic. They would like, but I'm afraid I can't. They certainly would not have refused to learn about yourself and life, and along with the opportunity to apply at the time of their own youth.
It is more difficult to change. When you're 20, you don't have such a great experience, you run the risk of too little. Try looking for change. You're not scary and not so difficult. When you're 50 — it is much harder. Baggage has accumulated vast experience different useless lot, there is still a feeling of "well now I'm really late", but also don't want to look like senile old awards in sect. Therefore, despite the fact that our parents all it takes to start for them, infinitely difficult.
They need a very strong incentive to decide. For many, these are becoming a disease. Particularly heavy and the risk of death. Though not all the time rush to change the head and clean heart, often at this moment they are no longer afraid of change. What is the meaning of fear if you can try?
Receiving knowledge, many of them can experience hellish pain. Because most of life is lived, and suddenly she lived "in vain" or not? One woman, 50, was crying at the meeting and say how sorry she is that all her life she was devoted to communism, but not their own children. With children contact is very weak, they don't have much to mom's special attachment, because with three months have grown apart. Life ends, and the emptiness inside and pain. "If I only knew..." was all she said.
They can't build a relationship of heart, they would like to love and be loved, but with a granary lock on the heart comes out.They want attention and want desperately to feel needed. Scary to let go of grown children, because to whom then to live is unclear. They don't know alone it is difficult. And I want to be loved. Only ask do not know, can only manipulate, to preach, to demand respect, attention, to organize performances, acting like little children, to intervene, to try again to live my life in children.
And when we only see their manifestations such not realizing that behind all this, the offended, get angry, get involved, give their all to rescue the parents, to the detriment of their own children.
But if we see what the cause of this behavior, see these locks on their hearts, fear of the meaninglessness of life in their eyes, fear of being alone, deeply injured heart and a certain stiffness and rigidity, deprived of flexibility, it can change a lot.
In our own heart towards my parents. And that's sometimes enough.
They are afraid to be alone with their pain. They really want to get rid of it, but I can't. They don't know themselves do not understand or accept. They have no knowledge, there is only "do". And how differently — they don't know. And whether it is possible differently, do they have the right?
Our fathers retirement, lose the meaning of life and start to hurt. But if they again get a job — many health problems are receding. Our mothers farther away, the less a trail, they say, who is it for and why, anyway, is old and fat and all. It is difficult for them to spend time and money on the entire pension they better buy toys grandchildren. Together with children from their life gets meaning, so they kids are fighting, clinging, pulling back under his wing, although the children desperately resist.
Faced with this, and sometimes do not know where to start. Relationships cause pain, not bring any joy. How to change them? And is it possible? It is possible, though difficult.
Guarantee can only change in your own heart, then – as it will. Start with getting a feel with all my heart that your parents (or the parents of husband) — the good people. Under all the its not always pleasant manifestations, they are good. They also want to love, to be happy, but can't overcome their own inertia, don't know how and are afraid to start. They have their own ideas about happiness (which often is synonymous with security), their ways to Express feelings, and with feelings, many relationships are complicated.
Maybe they never will learn his love for us to be so that it brings us joy.
Maybe they always is "I love you" they say "well you're so skinny" or "again without a hat go" or "as the house is always a mess" or "but who am need you beside me."
If you see all this inside — love — albeit slightly deformed, disfigured, maybe even castrated, but still the love will become easier.
All parents love their children, and all children love their parents. Just sometimes it takes a strange form. But the tree, even if its trunk twisted by wind and storms, even if it is crooked, clumsy and not too high, still a tree, right? The essence is the same, if you want to see her.
Our parents will also have to grow up if they want happiness. What is going on our lives, the more important it is to learn to find happiness in your heart, to feel part of the universe and seek answers to your inner questions. And they too will have to be done this way. Themselves, on their own. We have them in this will not help anything, unfortunately. We can only pray for them, not to hoard them on offense and not become their victims. Can share some information, unobtrusive, not a senior position and smart.
I was worried about mother so far, and she sometimes gets health problems. And then it hit me — my mother still young, now she is only 55 and was not yet 50, she has a lot of interests and Hobbies, she is there friend, family, work (though faster would this work ended in this way). She's a grown independent man who could do without me behind the wall.
Though it was not easy to understand and see, but allow her to live my own life without trying to carry over where I like without imposing my vision of happiness (getting married would be another issue!), not remaking it and how it shows love and that is what is expressed in my love for my mom. And it's much more Mature and valuable than love you that was 10 years ago — the painful feeling that without you can not live that you should and must, and mom everywhere are wrong and do not understand. With the change of my relationship to the mother, and changing herself, and that can not but rejoice.
In my world today there are several axioms about the parents that it would be useful to be aware of all of us:
Here you can very clearly see the connections. One only has to mentally go beyond their life and to see it from the side.
While adult children should remember one thing system rule (of constellation of practice) — a young family takes precedence over the parent. That is, both husband and wife must first deal with his own family to help the parents not to the detriment of their own children and themselves. To invest in the future, not the past. Especially their energy, thoughts and emotions. Remember how during the wedding ceremony the priest utters the phrase about what you need to otlepitsya from their parents and cleave to your husband or wife? It is all about. To respect father and mother, but to cleave unto his wife, and henceforth it can be considered the main man in my life.
Parents need to help when it is within your abilities and capabilities when they really need when they are ready to accept help in the form in which you are willing to give, when you help gratefully, without pride and with respect.
Also interesting: the resentment of the parents: a bad wound quickly and permanently
Toxic parents
And Yes, it is better to start still with to cultivate in your heart a respect for them, then the assistance will benefit both parties and the relationship will bring more joy. First – respect. And then everything else.published
Author: Olga Valyaeva
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©
Source: www.valyaeva.ru/uvazhenie-k-roditelyam/
They lived with his heart aching in pain and anguish all his life, not knowing where to put it. Themselves to know no time, building a five-year plan in three years. They had a different life filled with other people's meanings, purposes and plans.
Yes, it was a different time, when listening to myself was not adopted, when the possibilities were strictly limited, and when money was not so much. Although much more has been what is missing now. But to be a then — sounded weird. Whether Communist, engineer, worker, veteran of labor. Need a person in the society. This is important.
In their childhood the norm was a nursery with three to four months, the straps over the beds, to fear, busy parents and party ideology. In this crowd to the feelings and needs of each particular person nobody cared. Exactly.
Their hearts, in which all the experiences are hidden, closed the huge locks. And open now it's rusty miracle — very scary.
Because for so many years, I have accumulated a lot of things unrealistic. They would like, but I'm afraid I can't. They certainly would not have refused to learn about yourself and life, and along with the opportunity to apply at the time of their own youth.
It is more difficult to change. When you're 20, you don't have such a great experience, you run the risk of too little. Try looking for change. You're not scary and not so difficult. When you're 50 — it is much harder. Baggage has accumulated vast experience different useless lot, there is still a feeling of "well now I'm really late", but also don't want to look like senile old awards in sect. Therefore, despite the fact that our parents all it takes to start for them, infinitely difficult.
They need a very strong incentive to decide. For many, these are becoming a disease. Particularly heavy and the risk of death. Though not all the time rush to change the head and clean heart, often at this moment they are no longer afraid of change. What is the meaning of fear if you can try?
Receiving knowledge, many of them can experience hellish pain. Because most of life is lived, and suddenly she lived "in vain" or not? One woman, 50, was crying at the meeting and say how sorry she is that all her life she was devoted to communism, but not their own children. With children contact is very weak, they don't have much to mom's special attachment, because with three months have grown apart. Life ends, and the emptiness inside and pain. "If I only knew..." was all she said.
They can't build a relationship of heart, they would like to love and be loved, but with a granary lock on the heart comes out.They want attention and want desperately to feel needed. Scary to let go of grown children, because to whom then to live is unclear. They don't know alone it is difficult. And I want to be loved. Only ask do not know, can only manipulate, to preach, to demand respect, attention, to organize performances, acting like little children, to intervene, to try again to live my life in children.
And when we only see their manifestations such not realizing that behind all this, the offended, get angry, get involved, give their all to rescue the parents, to the detriment of their own children.
But if we see what the cause of this behavior, see these locks on their hearts, fear of the meaninglessness of life in their eyes, fear of being alone, deeply injured heart and a certain stiffness and rigidity, deprived of flexibility, it can change a lot.
In our own heart towards my parents. And that's sometimes enough.
They are afraid to be alone with their pain. They really want to get rid of it, but I can't. They don't know themselves do not understand or accept. They have no knowledge, there is only "do". And how differently — they don't know. And whether it is possible differently, do they have the right?
Our fathers retirement, lose the meaning of life and start to hurt. But if they again get a job — many health problems are receding. Our mothers farther away, the less a trail, they say, who is it for and why, anyway, is old and fat and all. It is difficult for them to spend time and money on the entire pension they better buy toys grandchildren. Together with children from their life gets meaning, so they kids are fighting, clinging, pulling back under his wing, although the children desperately resist.
Faced with this, and sometimes do not know where to start. Relationships cause pain, not bring any joy. How to change them? And is it possible? It is possible, though difficult.
Guarantee can only change in your own heart, then – as it will. Start with getting a feel with all my heart that your parents (or the parents of husband) — the good people. Under all the its not always pleasant manifestations, they are good. They also want to love, to be happy, but can't overcome their own inertia, don't know how and are afraid to start. They have their own ideas about happiness (which often is synonymous with security), their ways to Express feelings, and with feelings, many relationships are complicated.
Maybe they never will learn his love for us to be so that it brings us joy.
Maybe they always is "I love you" they say "well you're so skinny" or "again without a hat go" or "as the house is always a mess" or "but who am need you beside me."
If you see all this inside — love — albeit slightly deformed, disfigured, maybe even castrated, but still the love will become easier.
All parents love their children, and all children love their parents. Just sometimes it takes a strange form. But the tree, even if its trunk twisted by wind and storms, even if it is crooked, clumsy and not too high, still a tree, right? The essence is the same, if you want to see her.
Our parents will also have to grow up if they want happiness. What is going on our lives, the more important it is to learn to find happiness in your heart, to feel part of the universe and seek answers to your inner questions. And they too will have to be done this way. Themselves, on their own. We have them in this will not help anything, unfortunately. We can only pray for them, not to hoard them on offense and not become their victims. Can share some information, unobtrusive, not a senior position and smart.
I was worried about mother so far, and she sometimes gets health problems. And then it hit me — my mother still young, now she is only 55 and was not yet 50, she has a lot of interests and Hobbies, she is there friend, family, work (though faster would this work ended in this way). She's a grown independent man who could do without me behind the wall.
Though it was not easy to understand and see, but allow her to live my own life without trying to carry over where I like without imposing my vision of happiness (getting married would be another issue!), not remaking it and how it shows love and that is what is expressed in my love for my mom. And it's much more Mature and valuable than love you that was 10 years ago — the painful feeling that without you can not live that you should and must, and mom everywhere are wrong and do not understand. With the change of my relationship to the mother, and changing herself, and that can not but rejoice.
In my world today there are several axioms about the parents that it would be useful to be aware of all of us:
- parents are good people
- parents are people with their own fate, their lessons and processes
- parents are human beings with their own set of injuries
- parents are adults, even if you can't behave like adults
- parents have the right to live as they want, even if we don't like it, they have the right of choice
- parents always love their children as best they can, and how can power and manifestation of this at all different
- parents have a right to their feelings and the behaviour they choose
- parents in any case worthy of respect and gratitude
- the best debt repayment parents to be happy and raise happy children
Here you can very clearly see the connections. One only has to mentally go beyond their life and to see it from the side.
- If you think parents are old and weak (even if they are 40-50), this is exactly what they and will conduct themselves. And in addition, to respect them you can not.
- If you believe that parents can't live without your (I don't mean extreme cases of disease or disability), then this is arrogance on your part, and depriving them of the opportunity to be happy.
- If you begin to treat them like children, so they themselves will lead. And your children at the same time, you will be greatly missed, as all your energy will flow in the opposite direction.
- If you find they are adults, independent and adequate people, who life somehow without your support he lived, and on the contrary, your time and effort invested, the parents will begin to behave differently.
- If you will be able to grow up and change your attitude to your parents inside your heart, something will change on the outer plane, though there is no guarantee and speed all its own.
While adult children should remember one thing system rule (of constellation of practice) — a young family takes precedence over the parent. That is, both husband and wife must first deal with his own family to help the parents not to the detriment of their own children and themselves. To invest in the future, not the past. Especially their energy, thoughts and emotions. Remember how during the wedding ceremony the priest utters the phrase about what you need to otlepitsya from their parents and cleave to your husband or wife? It is all about. To respect father and mother, but to cleave unto his wife, and henceforth it can be considered the main man in my life.
Parents need to help when it is within your abilities and capabilities when they really need when they are ready to accept help in the form in which you are willing to give, when you help gratefully, without pride and with respect.
Also interesting: the resentment of the parents: a bad wound quickly and permanently
Toxic parents
And Yes, it is better to start still with to cultivate in your heart a respect for them, then the assistance will benefit both parties and the relationship will bring more joy. First – respect. And then everything else.published
Author: Olga Valyaeva
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©
Source: www.valyaeva.ru/uvazhenie-k-roditelyam/