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The conflict in pair: silence is the most destructive weapon
In the beginning of the relationship being with the chosen one makes us, if not euphoric, then at least, only positive emotions. But there comes a time rose-colored glasses and a veil from the eyes down, exposing all kinds of ugliness and inconvenience to our partner.
The saddest thing is that on the other side of the fence the same thing happens. And even with them both in whatever was to preserve the consensus, the time shows that it's almost unreal.
Sooner or later the couple is in the midst of not fighting shoulder to shoulder and face to face. In the course of going any weapons, but the most destructive is the – silencewhen the primary lesion is applied to itself, and Creek, in which the primary lesion is applied to the partner. Needless to say, that in that and in other case the greatest harm is caused to relationships as a whole...
Since this is a problem in any match, let's try to understand it.
Question No. 1. Why does this happen?
Because until now, the partners are quite well camouflaged and were not allowed to light his shadow side. This is partly unconsciously. After all, at first, until we are overwhelmed with waves of passion and tenderness, we don't have time for this.
But in most cases we do not show their flaws on purpose. Because I really truly love your partner and don't want to upset him especially to cause pain. And also because I'm afraid of losing him. And each of us admits his first, and quite serious mistake.
The fact is that sooner or later you will see each other in its real way and no Fig leaves, no mask will not help you. And if you believed that your partner, by the way, sensible and a grown man, frustrated, angry and throw you suddenly see what you really are, you know – you've already lost the relationship. Because one of the main rules of a harmonious pair is the right and opportunity of each partner to be what he is, i.e. to be yourself!
So, we got to the stage when the hide has nothing, and all our spiritual wealth, and not very good outside. And a couple here will be in a state of conflict, hidden or obvious, sudden or protracted.
Question No. 2. Can you avoid that?
To avoid unlikely. But it is possible to mitigate and even to expedite the completion of this stage. Interestingly, the older generations are aware of its inevitability, but talked too in its own way. My mother in law, for example, said: "You wait five years and then get used to it!" And watch special revelations, he admitted: "I spent five years crying, and then he resigned". Good experience, isn't it? That is why now I know for sure neither to cry nor to accept, nor can not be tolerated in any case! And to get used too, especially not what is good to get used to it! And it can be good with their hands, their head and heart, take and create!
Question No. 3. How?
In the first place – to talk. And – learn how to talk constructively! And begin to prepare for a conversation I need to be in the moment when you already boil with righteous anger, and once they feel significant discomfort. Because choosing the right location and time has not been canceled. This means that it is likely you will not be able to immediately get rid of painful thoughts or feelings. Most importantly, do not lead to the Creek!
I mean scream as a manifestation of traits, and as a reaction to any actions of the partner. This way of dealing that we use is mainly due to their communicative incompetence. When not able to timely assess the level of annoyance in those or other actions or words of the partner, and bring themselves to the boiling point, aka the point of no return, after which we are no longer able to control myself.
In the meantime, the unsuspecting partner once again does what is not pleasing us action and immediately falls under an avalanche, storm, hurricane our long pent-up anger. And then you rip a hole in the relationship and in each other's souls in the best case, long patch in the worst – break up further, until, until you break up.
With silence – the same pattern. The consequences are even worse. Because the tension that accumulates in you from what you suffer all the time, forgive and justify your partner slowly starts to kill you. Sometimes literally, turning into a serious illness. It occurs on the level of psychosomatics regardless of whether you believe it or not. And, in the end, it's damaging to your psyche.
Most worryingly, and in that and in other case your partner is deeply unhappy man. Because one day you forgot to tell him that it makes you uncomfortable. We are all different, and many of us calmly to some things, and very intolerant of others. And everyone – your list. It turns out that, while the partner is blissfully unaware, you are already mentally divorced him! As in the joke: "While I am the bread went, she managed to quarrel with me, collect the suitcase and go to mother."
So the first thing we need to learn to talk to each other openly and calmly.
Question No. 4. How to build a conversation?
I will mention here only one of the options. In fact several of them.
The first is to pay attention to your inner state: how it is flat, unemotional, and balanced.
Then the status of the partner: how, in your opinion, he is now to the conversation if this is the appropriate time for it. If everything is in order, you can start with General phrases about how you are all well, but that's only sometimes it is that... Here you bring in the example of the recent episode, non-judgmental and in any case not aggressive.
Then you share your emotions on this issue, not bring down on the head, namely, share, like, tell about someone else, not about themselves and their feelings. Believe me, it will be the best form of presentation for your partner.
Then you calmly propose to solve this task. It is not necessary to forward some categorical conditions "if you have more time, I..." should not be limited to the stage of the sentence emotions. Your conversation should be the result of either partner would be willing to change something or keep track of their actions, or are you voicing the fact that you are still irritated, see it as no problem and calm down yourself. This also happens!
So, briefly the scheme is as follows:
However, showing you a barrel of honey, I can't deprive you fly in the ointment. Because you know that there are partners, not running on contact. The reasons for this are different, too. In my case, the previous partner in the first conversation said: "If you experience negative emotions, so we better not to talk". He was right. But I did agree with it until years later. After spending those years in patient silence. Invaluable experience! However, painful.
Also interesting: the Ebb and flow of relationships
The real reason for killing the relationship
We often hear that relationships are work. In fact, it is. But I'd like to on this thorny path we were inspired by the idea that we work for ourselves and work side by side with a loved one. After all, if we manage to establish in his pair of open and honest communication, even in times of disagreement, anyone won't have to shout or silent. We will always hear and feel each other. And will be able to give each other joy and love! published
Author: Olga Kuznetsova
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©
Source: Olga Kuznetsova
The saddest thing is that on the other side of the fence the same thing happens. And even with them both in whatever was to preserve the consensus, the time shows that it's almost unreal.
Sooner or later the couple is in the midst of not fighting shoulder to shoulder and face to face. In the course of going any weapons, but the most destructive is the – silencewhen the primary lesion is applied to itself, and Creek, in which the primary lesion is applied to the partner. Needless to say, that in that and in other case the greatest harm is caused to relationships as a whole...
Since this is a problem in any match, let's try to understand it.
Question No. 1. Why does this happen?
Because until now, the partners are quite well camouflaged and were not allowed to light his shadow side. This is partly unconsciously. After all, at first, until we are overwhelmed with waves of passion and tenderness, we don't have time for this.
But in most cases we do not show their flaws on purpose. Because I really truly love your partner and don't want to upset him especially to cause pain. And also because I'm afraid of losing him. And each of us admits his first, and quite serious mistake.
The fact is that sooner or later you will see each other in its real way and no Fig leaves, no mask will not help you. And if you believed that your partner, by the way, sensible and a grown man, frustrated, angry and throw you suddenly see what you really are, you know – you've already lost the relationship. Because one of the main rules of a harmonious pair is the right and opportunity of each partner to be what he is, i.e. to be yourself!
So, we got to the stage when the hide has nothing, and all our spiritual wealth, and not very good outside. And a couple here will be in a state of conflict, hidden or obvious, sudden or protracted.
Question No. 2. Can you avoid that?
To avoid unlikely. But it is possible to mitigate and even to expedite the completion of this stage. Interestingly, the older generations are aware of its inevitability, but talked too in its own way. My mother in law, for example, said: "You wait five years and then get used to it!" And watch special revelations, he admitted: "I spent five years crying, and then he resigned". Good experience, isn't it? That is why now I know for sure neither to cry nor to accept, nor can not be tolerated in any case! And to get used too, especially not what is good to get used to it! And it can be good with their hands, their head and heart, take and create!
Question No. 3. How?
In the first place – to talk. And – learn how to talk constructively! And begin to prepare for a conversation I need to be in the moment when you already boil with righteous anger, and once they feel significant discomfort. Because choosing the right location and time has not been canceled. This means that it is likely you will not be able to immediately get rid of painful thoughts or feelings. Most importantly, do not lead to the Creek!
I mean scream as a manifestation of traits, and as a reaction to any actions of the partner. This way of dealing that we use is mainly due to their communicative incompetence. When not able to timely assess the level of annoyance in those or other actions or words of the partner, and bring themselves to the boiling point, aka the point of no return, after which we are no longer able to control myself.
In the meantime, the unsuspecting partner once again does what is not pleasing us action and immediately falls under an avalanche, storm, hurricane our long pent-up anger. And then you rip a hole in the relationship and in each other's souls in the best case, long patch in the worst – break up further, until, until you break up.
With silence – the same pattern. The consequences are even worse. Because the tension that accumulates in you from what you suffer all the time, forgive and justify your partner slowly starts to kill you. Sometimes literally, turning into a serious illness. It occurs on the level of psychosomatics regardless of whether you believe it or not. And, in the end, it's damaging to your psyche.
Most worryingly, and in that and in other case your partner is deeply unhappy man. Because one day you forgot to tell him that it makes you uncomfortable. We are all different, and many of us calmly to some things, and very intolerant of others. And everyone – your list. It turns out that, while the partner is blissfully unaware, you are already mentally divorced him! As in the joke: "While I am the bread went, she managed to quarrel with me, collect the suitcase and go to mother."
So the first thing we need to learn to talk to each other openly and calmly.
Question No. 4. How to build a conversation?
I will mention here only one of the options. In fact several of them.
The first is to pay attention to your inner state: how it is flat, unemotional, and balanced.
Then the status of the partner: how, in your opinion, he is now to the conversation if this is the appropriate time for it. If everything is in order, you can start with General phrases about how you are all well, but that's only sometimes it is that... Here you bring in the example of the recent episode, non-judgmental and in any case not aggressive.
Then you share your emotions on this issue, not bring down on the head, namely, share, like, tell about someone else, not about themselves and their feelings. Believe me, it will be the best form of presentation for your partner.
Then you calmly propose to solve this task. It is not necessary to forward some categorical conditions "if you have more time, I..." should not be limited to the stage of the sentence emotions. Your conversation should be the result of either partner would be willing to change something or keep track of their actions, or are you voicing the fact that you are still irritated, see it as no problem and calm down yourself. This also happens!
So, briefly the scheme is as follows:
- Event. Was the following...
- Emotion. I felt(a)...
- The search for a solution. What can we do to prevent this from happening again?
However, showing you a barrel of honey, I can't deprive you fly in the ointment. Because you know that there are partners, not running on contact. The reasons for this are different, too. In my case, the previous partner in the first conversation said: "If you experience negative emotions, so we better not to talk". He was right. But I did agree with it until years later. After spending those years in patient silence. Invaluable experience! However, painful.
Also interesting: the Ebb and flow of relationships
The real reason for killing the relationship
We often hear that relationships are work. In fact, it is. But I'd like to on this thorny path we were inspired by the idea that we work for ourselves and work side by side with a loved one. After all, if we manage to establish in his pair of open and honest communication, even in times of disagreement, anyone won't have to shout or silent. We will always hear and feel each other. And will be able to give each other joy and love! published
Author: Olga Kuznetsova
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©
Source: Olga Kuznetsova
