Intolerance proximity

"As soon as the relationship becomes more warm, close, he does something that throws us for hundreds of kilometers from each other."

I heard these words from women in different wording many, many times.

"He gets drunk."

"He starts to say mean things to me, to devalue our relationship."

What scares him (them) in proximity? Normal adult men living with their wives for twenty years, and to death frightened, as soon as relations appear warm polynya? Guys who just build and move slowly for marriage, (so at least consider their partners). If the second can scare suddenly looming marriage and the loss of freedom, first, who live many years in marriage?

The same loss of freedom, of autonomy, of separateness, reducing the usual distance. Absurd – close to tenderness, touching, warm glances, mutual interest, there is gaiety, joy, there is a warm supportive humor; distant, cold relationship nothing, but it scares the proximity.



"She then starts to take up too much space. All my time from that moment should belong to her" – the words of a married man, which scares the reduction of distance in the relationship with his wife.

"He says that in these moments begins to lose himself" – the words of women who are in a relationship with an elusive man.

When relationships become more warm and intimate, familiar the autonomy of the partners collapses, decreasing the distance decreases the personal "sacred" space, and two independent " I " should appear we.


At this point, need to establish a new balance of relationships with a different amount of autonomy and with a new level of intimacy. But as soon as it starts looming this prospect, some people decide at this stage of the relationship broken, and the part breaks, takes a step to the side, returning to the usual distance.

Such feint ears doing not only in love but also in relations with old friends, when one of the friends suddenly kindled a desire to reduce the distance and to make friends more close, the other at this point makes a sharp attack and discards old friend to hundreds of light years from ourselves.

Intimacy is frightening, and not only that it is possible to lose yourself, but also the fear of recognition of the Other, the need to destroy already created the image and perhaps learn something about the person prefer not to know. When reducing the distance, there is a need to open, to be naked and to trust their "plainness" and "wrong" to Another... And who knows how he'll react?

"I miss my husband." – these words are despair, depression, sadness, loneliness.


There are men who hide in work, someone goes to alcohol or illness, someone just runs to nowhere.

In a relationship with running down a man in terrible pain. The woman repeatedly quit after a couple of “honey days”, dropping tears, washes down his sorrows with wine and jammed tons of unnecessary food. And spends a lot of effort to recover. Then again, sorry... to go on a new circle of the same debilitating relationship.

In a distant, cold relationship very hungry, and if hungry, mean – angry, aggressive, poisonous. They have a lot of bile and mutual claims to each other.

They are uncomfortable, cold and lonely. Everyone solves the problems and tasks without any contact with others. In fact, this relationship is no relationship. There is a wall, and people on different sides of the wall. Over time, the wall becomes thicker, and claims more.

The level of dissatisfaction increases, at some point it becomes familiar, acceptable, normal – it is “normal” to live. Is mounted and fixed balance between hatred and love, care and detachment, acceptance, and claims. And the two begin to live in it over the years, starving and trying to keep warm from the cold in something or someone else.


Relationship is a choice and the responsibility of both people. it is a choice – to be or not to be, to be, how.

Human life is such that to get something, you have to work hard. When something just ask, and once downright to invest. Even the baby needs to work hard to get mother's milk.

To meet their needs for food, shelter, financial security, we put a lot of effort.


Abnormal womanfeeble mind: mental infection of our time

And to meet their needs for love, human warmth, tenderness, care, affection, mental, spiritual and physical intimacy..? Who is responsible for ensuring that we were well-fed, satisfied and happy? Whose responsibility? Mom and dad, and maybe Him or Her? No, a grown man for the satisfaction of their needs answers himself.

Welcome to adulthood! published


Author: Irina Dubova




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