Merging and intimacy: 5 key differences Bashny.Net

At first glance it may seem that the merger is intimacy in a relationship. That is when I feel a unity with your partner, harmony, similarity (and it seems we like almost everything!), it seems to me that this is real intimacy, the happiness, about which so much is said.

The fusion is a really pleasant process at certain stages of the relationship. Initially the baby is in a merger with her mother and him there very well. But gradually the baby is separated.

At the initial stage of building adult relationships the merger. Through it we find those people with whom we are well, with whom you can share certain emotions and to be supported.

But any relations are developing and can't stand still. And the next step after the merger – phase of differentiation, that is, when we notice not only the similarities but also the differences each other.

In some respects, a few differences each other means to disperse, to break off relations.

But the formation of proximity is possible only when the stage of differentiation reached, and differences of the partners value in the relationship.

 

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1. In a merger there is only "we" in the vicinity is the "I" is "you."

The merger is very hard to see who wants what, who and what is important. Is the pronoun "we". "We want to walk", "we need a new apartment", "this is for family", "it is our desire".

Of course, the desires and needs may coincide. But it is possible to find out only in the case when there is a possibility to separate and compare (you want to walk – Yes, and I want to!"). In a merger it is impossible to separate and compare, there is no such skill. Therefore, often impossible to understand who exactly wants to walk and who need an apartment.

2.The merge relationship is built on mutual manipulation. In the vicinity are on mutual agreements.

In the relationship of the merger the only possible way to meet needs is manipulation. "Don't do this — I will die (get sick, hang)!""how could you not wash the floor for me!", "can't you see how bad it gets, you can't go hanging out with friends!", "do you like this stupid car?!". That is, each participant tries to achieve through his illegal actions. Play on the feelings of a partner – that's what a codependent couple. As a result of various manipulations of one partner, the second a feeling of pity, guilt, fear or shame, and he "submits" the manipulator, ignoring their needs. In response, he also manipulates, but in a different form.

Close partners notice and openly declare to each other their needs, there is nothing to be ashamed of and there is the threat of rupture of relations (like "how do you not love this movie?! All, you have nothing to talk about!").

Close to meeting the needs of one partner occurs through agreement with others. "Make me some tea, please, you don't it will be difficult for me now to do?". In this case, the rejection of the second partner (let's say he was going to the football and already late) will not be treated as contempt or total dislike and accepted with understanding.

In the vicinity there is also a respect for the value systems and world view each other. The partners inform each other about their own value systems (and charge for this responsibility), but does not require that this system has replaced the value system of another.

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3. In merge there are no differences. Close – the differences are valuable.

In the relationship of the merger are very difficult to deal with the differences between each other. Differences are perceived as something terrible, that is a serious threat to relations. "How am I going to live with her, because she can't cook (and doesn't want to learn)?!", "Why do I need now, because he earns little?!".

Close differences are values that are perceived as a resource. "Yes, she doesn't like to cook, but she's great in bed and always asks how I feel!". "Yeah, he's not a millionaire, but when I watch him playing with the children, I'm just happy!".

4. The merger is an addiction and the horror of loneliness. Intimacy is the freedom of choice.

People used to be in the merge, I'm afraid to be alone. Afraid of being abandoned, unnecessary. They are very dependent on the partner and maintaining the relationship becomes more important to meet their personal needs. They think that if they do something good for the partner, the partner will do them good. And then they refuse to make good for themselves (more precisely, it is very embarrassing).

5. Close to people can be quite alone.

They are able to provide for their needs independently. At the same time, paired it warmer, closer, better. Therefore, to be in paired relationship is their personal choice. And if this relationship is terminated, it will not be a threat to survival. Yes, certainly, it can be a sad event. But it is quite portable. After all the close relationships you can build with another person. published 

Author: Elena Mitina

P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©

Source: psy-practice.com/publications/lichnye-otnosheniya/sliyanie-i-blizost-5-glavnykh-otlichiy/