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The paradox of codependent couples
Start with the definition of a codependent couple. One of the partners in this pair by demonstriruet face izolirujushchego person, the other lover cortesnyc and open relationships. The face they show to others unaware of their true needs. In General, they long ago merged with their roles firmly, to fully identify themselves with the role. That is, and themselves cavity is pushed out of your consciousness your true needs.
But the needs are the complete opposite of the demonstrated persons. "Fan reach" is actually in need of the race and Amateur race needs a location.
When they met, they help each other to avoid meeting their needs. Therefore, these pairs are very strong.
How do they do it?
For convenience, the one who shows himself independent, we call the passive type, since in reality, he provokes his environment at will hyperopic; showing affection call active, because it provokes the environment to his left one, and his hyperactivity he tires all around and himself.
Passive, in fact, provokes active to active it implies, controlled, closer to himself, to not take responsibility for his repressed need for closeness. It satisfies her hands of the partner, and thus, avoids her awareness.
Active passive provokes their activity on the rejection, and thus his hands creates a distance, which so badly needs. And also this way deprives itself of the ability to realize their need for distance.
Both characterized by a sense of guilt and shame. Passive ashamed of their need for closeness and feels bad when approaching another. He instantly starts to blame himself, considered unlovable, to adjust their behavior, appearance, speech, not to be rejected.
And as such tight control of its manifestation is very tiring, gets tired quickly and refuses to convergence, going to his usual isolation, to just relax. Thus, it is seeking to partner left him alone.
Active ashamed and blames himself, if away. He can't afford to move away, as it feels selfish, a traitor, a selfish, if he allows himself to have his or her own life. All his attempts to overcome these feelings end failures, it is exhausting trying to suppress guilt and shame, and habitually slipping into the role of hyperuricaemia slave. And dwells in oblivion, while his passive partner finally sit him on the neck.
Here comes the fun: having solitude, passive very quickly begins to look for convergence. Receiving his yoke on the neck, active instantly gives itself the right to be alone. However they explain it to myself very curious: active believes that rejected him (so as not to usurp their need for separately), passive and believes that it is forced to go to intimacy (not to usurp the need for proximity).
While they blamed each other, naturally projective method: passive accuses active in his all-consuming desire for intimacy, projecting onto him their hunger for intimacy, active and passive accusing of distantnost, selfishness and other things that are in dire need. In fact, it is envy.
Familiar?
So. In each such pair has its own ritual-the mechanism of how they start updating their pair of interrupts. When you work with a couple, it is possible to track.
This actualization occurs at the moment of occurrence of the proximity. Passive frightened of intimacy because of afraid to lose it, and actively frightened of their freedom because is afraid that his back would tighten, and he, being a jerk will become selfish.
In a moment of intimacy passive suddenly opens its lightest hand, it becomes gentle and considerate, interested in a partner, and because of this, active finally relaxes, ceases to chase after him and finally feels free to move away. But there it was.
As soon as each of them meets with his need and trying it on the tooth, both of them in fear of trying "to return all in back".
Therefore, they perform the following ritual (it happens at the same time, you can never find who started it, because it is a systemic phenomenon).
Passive, afraid of intimacy, isolated, but at the same time, performs some ritual act (code word, gesture, intonation, facial expressions — very fine detail, the complex looks like a ritual), which provokes active to leave everything and to have a partner. It seems that, before leaving, he keeps partner on a leash so he does not try to escape.
Actively frightened of their freedom, and also performs ritual actionthat provokes passive to go into isolation. So the passive didn't even think to come back.
If you try to convey the meaning of these ritual actions, their messages to each other are as follows:
Why and why are they so afraid of themselves?
Corny, but they are afraid of reproduction of childhood experiences: a passive in childhood rejection and the need for proximity after all this time frustrirovannosti and active forbade the distance, the separateness, punishing his strict discipline and forced closeness of the relationship.
Thus, to want what they want, it just seems wildly unsafe.
Usually passive in his mind interpreterpath its status as a fear of being trapped partner, whereas in fact it is a projection of their own desire to possess and absorb.
And active interpreterpath its status as a fear of being alone, which is actually a need for solitude and freedom.
When you see this wonderful scheme of life as it played out in the relationship between two people over and over again like clockwork, it is impossible to refrain from admiration deep consistency and completeness of this picture. In this work of human art of manipulation neither gesture, facial expression, intonation or word does not occur without challenges to implement this scheme. Everything in its place, in time and in the right proportion to the next act of the play took place. Just oil painting, pestnya without words.
Outcomes in such a pair several.
If these people are not energetic, not temperamental, they peacefully live the rest of their days together regularly on Sundays reacting to this performance.
If one possesses the temperament, the pair destroyed after a few weeks-months, years, depends on the amplitude of the phases of distance-convergence.
Temperamental if both, then this pair is never boring. They have a roller coaster life, until they each other do not whithout, destroying physical health. As a rule, not to run, they hang on his every "drug", whether it be heroin, alcohol, food, TV, work, sport, shopping, online, children (datacentermodel) or anything else. The drug reduces the passions.
Once they stop drinking (often one and the same way to be forgotten), as the couple breaks up, unable to endure the opened the tension between them.
Usually come to reception active partner. First, because he has a lot of energy, and secondly because he used to patiently endure the presence of another in his private area in third out of guilt, in the fourth, of hyperopic on "relationships".
Passive comes rarely, goes away quickly, as frightened arise between client and therapist reach and is afraid to show his imperfection in the eyes of the therapist.
The motive for the treatment of passive to therapy is his neurotic desire to strengthen their isolation. His request sounds like "I'm pissed off". And have an active motive to go to therapy to develop more consistency. His request sounds like a fear of being alone, of course. Thus, each of them comes to therapy to strengthen your neurosis. And if the therapist carried it — worthless therapy.
The task of the therapist is to as clearly as possible to diagnose what the need of the client suppresses: close or distantnost. And the client's right not to say because he is not aware, and with different clients takes different amounts of time, during which the therapist picks up and relates the phenomena: the client demonstrates isolation\SmartSlot or needs it? When it comes to steam, it is easier to see because the couple and the therapist demonstrates his pattern.
Some have learned to confuse the traces of their needs in my life that my head is spinning. And as a therapist, meeting with the client, is in a relationship with him, the only instrument on which he can track the dynamics of the pattern of the client is by himself, his own feelings.
If the therapist allows the client to influence themselves, then I can feel what the pattern of the relationship, the client invites it. And this is diagnostic information. In psychoanalysis they call it a job transfer.
The difficulty lies in the fact that some customers are clearly aware of their neurotic need, even if you think it is healthy, and almost directly said, "I want to be more comfortable for your partner (active)" or "I want to be even more isolated (passive)"; and some offer the therapist a set of situational symptoms, some of which are phenomena of healthy needs a part — neurotic.
To become a grey rock, or What to do to a psychopath left you aloneWhy we choose difficult people
In the first and in the second case, you have to poodwaddle questioned and explored in great detail: what the phenomena are a symptom of the needs, some symptom interruption.
And here, ladies and gentlemen, the main thing is not to replace the figure of the client of their figure. If the therapist himself is a codependent, it will support in the client's own need. In addition, if the therapist is not sustainable, the client can easily involve him in your pattern of the relationship, and then the therapeutic relationship will collapse. Therefore, personal therapy of the therapist is inevitable.published
Author: Nina Rubstein
Source: rubstein.livejournal.com/488232.html
But the needs are the complete opposite of the demonstrated persons. "Fan reach" is actually in need of the race and Amateur race needs a location.
When they met, they help each other to avoid meeting their needs. Therefore, these pairs are very strong.
How do they do it?
For convenience, the one who shows himself independent, we call the passive type, since in reality, he provokes his environment at will hyperopic; showing affection call active, because it provokes the environment to his left one, and his hyperactivity he tires all around and himself.
Passive, in fact, provokes active to active it implies, controlled, closer to himself, to not take responsibility for his repressed need for closeness. It satisfies her hands of the partner, and thus, avoids her awareness.
Active passive provokes their activity on the rejection, and thus his hands creates a distance, which so badly needs. And also this way deprives itself of the ability to realize their need for distance.
Both characterized by a sense of guilt and shame. Passive ashamed of their need for closeness and feels bad when approaching another. He instantly starts to blame himself, considered unlovable, to adjust their behavior, appearance, speech, not to be rejected.
And as such tight control of its manifestation is very tiring, gets tired quickly and refuses to convergence, going to his usual isolation, to just relax. Thus, it is seeking to partner left him alone.
Active ashamed and blames himself, if away. He can't afford to move away, as it feels selfish, a traitor, a selfish, if he allows himself to have his or her own life. All his attempts to overcome these feelings end failures, it is exhausting trying to suppress guilt and shame, and habitually slipping into the role of hyperuricaemia slave. And dwells in oblivion, while his passive partner finally sit him on the neck.
Here comes the fun: having solitude, passive very quickly begins to look for convergence. Receiving his yoke on the neck, active instantly gives itself the right to be alone. However they explain it to myself very curious: active believes that rejected him (so as not to usurp their need for separately), passive and believes that it is forced to go to intimacy (not to usurp the need for proximity).
While they blamed each other, naturally projective method: passive accuses active in his all-consuming desire for intimacy, projecting onto him their hunger for intimacy, active and passive accusing of distantnost, selfishness and other things that are in dire need. In fact, it is envy.
Familiar?
So. In each such pair has its own ritual-the mechanism of how they start updating their pair of interrupts. When you work with a couple, it is possible to track.
This actualization occurs at the moment of occurrence of the proximity. Passive frightened of intimacy because of afraid to lose it, and actively frightened of their freedom because is afraid that his back would tighten, and he, being a jerk will become selfish.
In a moment of intimacy passive suddenly opens its lightest hand, it becomes gentle and considerate, interested in a partner, and because of this, active finally relaxes, ceases to chase after him and finally feels free to move away. But there it was.
As soon as each of them meets with his need and trying it on the tooth, both of them in fear of trying "to return all in back".
Therefore, they perform the following ritual (it happens at the same time, you can never find who started it, because it is a systemic phenomenon).
Passive, afraid of intimacy, isolated, but at the same time, performs some ritual act (code word, gesture, intonation, facial expressions — very fine detail, the complex looks like a ritual), which provokes active to leave everything and to have a partner. It seems that, before leaving, he keeps partner on a leash so he does not try to escape.
Actively frightened of their freedom, and also performs ritual actionthat provokes passive to go into isolation. So the passive didn't even think to come back.
If you try to convey the meaning of these ritual actions, their messages to each other are as follows:
- passive broadcast active: "let's try to catch up and catch",
- active broadcast passive "just try to escape". And they begin to play catch-up, accusing each other in their own needs.
Why and why are they so afraid of themselves?
Corny, but they are afraid of reproduction of childhood experiences: a passive in childhood rejection and the need for proximity after all this time frustrirovannosti and active forbade the distance, the separateness, punishing his strict discipline and forced closeness of the relationship.
Thus, to want what they want, it just seems wildly unsafe.
Usually passive in his mind interpreterpath its status as a fear of being trapped partner, whereas in fact it is a projection of their own desire to possess and absorb.
And active interpreterpath its status as a fear of being alone, which is actually a need for solitude and freedom.
When you see this wonderful scheme of life as it played out in the relationship between two people over and over again like clockwork, it is impossible to refrain from admiration deep consistency and completeness of this picture. In this work of human art of manipulation neither gesture, facial expression, intonation or word does not occur without challenges to implement this scheme. Everything in its place, in time and in the right proportion to the next act of the play took place. Just oil painting, pestnya without words.
Outcomes in such a pair several.
If these people are not energetic, not temperamental, they peacefully live the rest of their days together regularly on Sundays reacting to this performance.
If one possesses the temperament, the pair destroyed after a few weeks-months, years, depends on the amplitude of the phases of distance-convergence.
Temperamental if both, then this pair is never boring. They have a roller coaster life, until they each other do not whithout, destroying physical health. As a rule, not to run, they hang on his every "drug", whether it be heroin, alcohol, food, TV, work, sport, shopping, online, children (datacentermodel) or anything else. The drug reduces the passions.
Once they stop drinking (often one and the same way to be forgotten), as the couple breaks up, unable to endure the opened the tension between them.
Usually come to reception active partner. First, because he has a lot of energy, and secondly because he used to patiently endure the presence of another in his private area in third out of guilt, in the fourth, of hyperopic on "relationships".
Passive comes rarely, goes away quickly, as frightened arise between client and therapist reach and is afraid to show his imperfection in the eyes of the therapist.
The motive for the treatment of passive to therapy is his neurotic desire to strengthen their isolation. His request sounds like "I'm pissed off". And have an active motive to go to therapy to develop more consistency. His request sounds like a fear of being alone, of course. Thus, each of them comes to therapy to strengthen your neurosis. And if the therapist carried it — worthless therapy.
The task of the therapist is to as clearly as possible to diagnose what the need of the client suppresses: close or distantnost. And the client's right not to say because he is not aware, and with different clients takes different amounts of time, during which the therapist picks up and relates the phenomena: the client demonstrates isolation\SmartSlot or needs it? When it comes to steam, it is easier to see because the couple and the therapist demonstrates his pattern.
Some have learned to confuse the traces of their needs in my life that my head is spinning. And as a therapist, meeting with the client, is in a relationship with him, the only instrument on which he can track the dynamics of the pattern of the client is by himself, his own feelings.
If the therapist allows the client to influence themselves, then I can feel what the pattern of the relationship, the client invites it. And this is diagnostic information. In psychoanalysis they call it a job transfer.
The difficulty lies in the fact that some customers are clearly aware of their neurotic need, even if you think it is healthy, and almost directly said, "I want to be more comfortable for your partner (active)" or "I want to be even more isolated (passive)"; and some offer the therapist a set of situational symptoms, some of which are phenomena of healthy needs a part — neurotic.
To become a grey rock, or What to do to a psychopath left you aloneWhy we choose difficult people
In the first and in the second case, you have to poodwaddle questioned and explored in great detail: what the phenomena are a symptom of the needs, some symptom interruption.
And here, ladies and gentlemen, the main thing is not to replace the figure of the client of their figure. If the therapist himself is a codependent, it will support in the client's own need. In addition, if the therapist is not sustainable, the client can easily involve him in your pattern of the relationship, and then the therapeutic relationship will collapse. Therefore, personal therapy of the therapist is inevitable.published
Author: Nina Rubstein
Source: rubstein.livejournal.com/488232.html
