Romantic movies end the same way: a white dress, the flowers, the happy bride and groom... And what happens after the wedding? And how to live happily ever after?The website
shares the thoughts of women, behind whose 12 years of marriage.
I never understood the hype around "bagging a rich man" and "I want to get married". Life plans were grandiose. Perhaps, as many 15-17-year-olds who think the whole life ahead of you.
My purpose was not to be: a sports injury put an end to my career, my Olympic gold. I had to hang on my wall.
I met my future husband, a student. Never thought about how much I am to live in marriage. I realized that life can change at any minute. As in sports: today you are a famous athlete, a champion and winner, and the next day injured, and the champion for someone else.
Coach always told me: "to win, you have to be head and shoulders above others. There are no such words: "Not", "can't." Get up and do it. Do what you can in the moment, and do the maximum."
The habit of thinking like a champion firmly etched in my Outlook. This can be compared with the inner critic. Under his eternal guidance and is my family life. Just like everyone: love, romance, passion, suffering. There were periods of grinding, know each other in everyday life, the periods of controversy, misunderstanding, resentment. Wanted to divorce and kill each other.
And now I'm 12 years married, and ready to share 12 insights on the process.
1. Passion passes. Yes, love is. It is the one that is so imposing in the society and whose name is — "addicted to love". With crazy emotions, suffering, tears, emotional pain and the inability to think about anyone but the object of such "love".In relations should begood
. Without hysteria, the removal of the brain, emotional swings, adrenaline injections after unanswered messages, no broken plates and care "to come to mom", without anguish and sleepless nights after yet another scandal.In relations should be stable
. This does not mean boring. This means that you are sure that your husband will not throw a stunning trick when you're completely unprepared.In relations should be relaxed
. When you go home and know that everything is okay that you don't get to aggressive drunken husband and does not get in the face.
2. Married life is not one big holiday.Is never "happily ever after" without a break for lunch and weekends
. There's sickness, poor health, fatigue and irritation, anger and resentment. There are frustrations, curses, troubles and difficulties
. The only question is how long the couple is ready to get stuck in these situations.
3. The couple really should be of the same social level. Cinderella and the Prince is nothing more than a fairy tale. Romantic nonsense that girls hammer head since childhood. And unequal marriages often end in divorce. Chemistry of love can push people to each other. But when love takes place, crawl out all of the difference
in upbringing, mentality, attitude to life, to money, work and children. The stories that the movies show is not viable
, and attempt to emulate them ends in failure.
4. The couple needs to develop together. We cannot be complacent. If the husband and wife not in principle evolve through life — the result is sad: the one who is stopping to grow, throw
. Sooner or later. Wife stuck in the pans, diapers, children, and husband with beer at the TV, the ballast that will be reset. No options.
Hence another conclusion: it is impossible to prohibit the spouse to develop
. No matter what. Dancing, guitar, snowboarding, chess, 101 ways to cook chicken — any occupation where the person wants to achieve a result. Best to divide the interests of the wife, well not to interfere.
5. Each other need to take. At a deep level. Can irritate some habits, it is possible to disagree with some of the manifestations of nature. You can have different views on some issues in the process of raising children. But on a deeper level people should be adopted. With all the "problems", "cockroaches" and other "animals". You need to let a man be what he is
. Of course, you can try to change it, but from a state of acceptance. And that "remake" was just an additional option.
6. His wife doesn't need to dissolve completely to her husband and children.I first give time to yourself, then to her husband and child
. The woman who betrayed his "I" for men, get bored and become a burden. It is impossible to completely dissolve in the family, it is impossible to live only by the desires of the husband, you cannot think about pots and kids. "Aunt" is not interesting to anyone
. Interesting person near me that wants to explore, which I would like to talk. And "aunt" like the couch... after all, nobody would think to ask the opinion of a couch?
7. The husband should be fit and at the same time free. In recent years I live on this principle. Not afraid that her husband might leave
because he, like any person, has a right to a better life for himself. Without me. This is normal. In the same way as I have a right to a better life for himself
. Without him. Yes, the old life will be broken, but the disaster will not happen. You can not forcibly hold the person beside him
. So you need time to remove the rose-colored glasses, to forget forever the phrase "we Will live long and will die one day." Know that at any moment people could leave, and not to deceive ourselves on this account.
8. Each may have their own interests and desires.Everyone should have the right to personal space and time
. Everyone should have sveafinans.
It is an axiom of relations. So it must be, and is not discussed.
No need to drag my husband shopping as you don't have to necessarily be on the male fishing.
I, for example, such personal time is the time training, yoga, running. Can go to the lake to sit and watch the water, think. There is also time for reading books, for other things. The husband calmly goes to the bath, meetings with friends, went fishing for a few days. Nobody's watching, tantrums are not satisfied. It's all good.Everyone should have their finances.
Without the right of a spouse to demand the report on their use. Humiliating request to strip, as well as on cigarettes.
9. The house must be an animal.And preferably warm-blooded
. Cat, dog, hamster is the one you can cuddle, touch. At different times we had cats, dogs, and sometimes both simultaneously. And now live with two dogs and a rat-Sphinx.
10. Live a long time married people with a similar temperament. When one "pain" in the butt, and the other, as emelja on the furnace is not to raise it, then this marriage is hardly meant to be long
. You can smooth some of the differences in the temperament, you can adjust the nature and speed of the life of another. But if these polar speed
, your Ferrari life for a long time hardly keep next with barely puffing "Zaporozhets".
11. Passionate sex in marriage is not important. After 12 years of marriage, it is impossible to have crazy sex and romance as before, even after 3 years everything dies down and goes to a more relaxed level
. In order to maintain a high level of desire partner after many years spent side-by-side, you need a very strong emotion, which in principle can not be. Only if one of the spouses does not suffer from love addiction. Then he, Yes, can want passion and fire. In this case, the other spouse living with him is based, out of convenience, because you don't want to change anything.
But usually in normal, neproblemny relationship sex fades into the background, and really is not Central to marriage.
12. Decisions should be made together. But the woman didn't need to go into a purely men's business. Small, everyday activities do not require approval. But any major purchase, crucial decisions have to be discussed
. And decisions are two. No "I decided to(a), said(a), so it will be".
How to raise a child, where to go on vacation, "let's get a dog" what kind of car to buy is discussed. But the climb, for example, in her husband's business is not desirable. Max — give your opinion if asked.
And the most important thing for a lasting marriage is the desire to compromise
, to listen and hear each other, to leave the opportunity to be alone, not to merge with each other,
like Siamese twins, and to leave myself and another space.
In General family life is a combination of love, trust, mutual support, tolerance and willpower. Order all the above changes every few years.
Source Olga Rybakina
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