The question that must be resolved BEFORE marriage Bashny.Net

When our beloved pet or tell us "I don't want kids" or "I don't want children", we for the first time always think, "Oh, I can't believe someone may not want children. Well, not to leave because of this. Change your mind. I perebeg".

Then go to a psychologist.

• "He said he doesn't want kids, but I thought he did not know whether, and became pregnant. He's gone."
• "She said she does not see herself as a mother, but I cheated and finished it. We have a small daughter, and she went to another."
• "He asked to postpone childbearing for two years, but I thought... And he said he earns enough to support us, and persuaded me to have an abortion."
• "I'm willing effort and money to invest in IVF, and the husband didn't even come home from work to catch the moment of ovulation, and I think its annoying that idea."

In my groups about relationships is this: one of the participants says "I don't want kids", and the second, presenting himself to his partner to keep track of their feelings and thoughts.

And you know what kind of reaction she frequent?

Distrust

A conflict on the scale of values of "Children" can be from the beginning, and a couple who are getting married, it would be good to know right, words that everyone thinks about, BEFORE marriage.

The children of the couple should be or should not? We now want children or a few years later? We want children unconditionally or on certain conditions? I want to, but he doesn't want, I want, and she doesn't want — what to do? Children and our careers, we more expensive?

From the frankness and honesty of couples in this conversation depends on how happy or unhappy they will be after a short time with each other.

And when people ask me "I want children, and he (she) doesn't want — what to do?" — I always say — believe, and make a decision about marriage based on this. You do not imagine your life without children, and your partner not ready for them now, or even nourish an aversion to them. Or the opposite — you are now ready to child, and your partner insists on the speedy birth of their first child.

At the stage of "Dating" it doesn't matter, and after the wedding will become a grain of a future divorce, where they will suffer also unwanted by one of the parents of the child. If you are willing to endure — enjoy the wedding. If right now the thought of you hurts and burns, it may be wise to take a break in the decision of the wedding, honestly telling your partner about the reason for the pause.

Children made to want, but to be honest, if you were to admit to his companion that in the next five years I see myself in the same bed with him, but not over the cradle.

On usually talking about the number of children. One is enough for one child. For his partner and three will not be enough — and this is again the grain future disagreements.

When a couple is happy planning the first child, and I'm glad the second, and wants third, no problem. When a couple avoids parties with children and with horror kept away from kids, no problem. When she picks up someone else's kid, and he fondly watching them, and both know that the children will allow myself only three years — no problems. But when she quietly throws contraceptives down the toilet when one of a pair all the time calls the second to amuse the other children when one used to babysit the children (siblings), and the second in horror from this — it is a conflict.

But then even more difficult. Couple by mutual consent had the baby.

Here the split can occur in the system of education and system of values. Bear conflict following questions:

— we do or we would help grandma?

— I trust your/his mother to raise the baby or even to keep on hand? Or nothing worse than that and everybody from the child?

— we can have a babysitter or would I be a bad mother/bad father?

— some of us will sit at home for three years, a year, ten years — while raising children, or is it impossible?

— you require to be able to go to work, I want you to sit with our children — what to do?

— you demand that I worked, I want to sit with kids - what to do?

— we will have one child always or possible second? and the third?

the father takes part in a vigil, or is completely exempt from this?

— you want a second child fairly quickly, I don't want: what to do?





A baby grows and conflict focus on the following questions:

we children are beaten or not? Usually means a pair of flip flops or cuffs;

we children everything or allow nothing to spoil?

— if a child is brought up this way and not that way, is it already spoiled? I don't think so;

— he will have access to gadgets?

— it will have a jam-Packed schedule of after-school clubs?

— he goes to school already knowing everything, or let it out there and teach?

— we compare the child with other children? If Yes, out loud or talking together? Or never?

he will leave in the summer in the village to the grandmother?

— he will be reaching 14 years of age to go to study abroad?

we are the mother — child together, and you — dad - as separate, this is all normal?

assessment is important or does not matter?

— the school is basically good or basically bad?

— yelling at the child acceptable or unacceptable?

— if he's not allowed, you're not allowed; we present a United front as parents, or bribe the child, allowing him that banned second?

— we buy the kid an apartment or let himself pounding?

— we talk to the child about important, necessary and complex, or keep our distance?

— senior or Junior favorite favorite, or they are equal or one more you other more of me that no one was hurt?

— we teach honesty or learning agility-resourcefulness, and in what we teach?

 

Of course, he drags it to the family of their parent scenarios. You can fight in, according to whose rules the child will grow, and you can organize your rules new. And talk right and words. In most cases, possible compromises, arrangements, different distances and responsibilities in relation to children.

 

Also interesting: the Education of themselves and children

How not to raise children: a 10 "not" Yulia Gippenreiter

 

As for friendship, I sometimes see the following picture: one of my friends to all meetings and gatherings, created as "let's have coffee and talk" leads to children. Second is annoying. There is not a conflict. If the second is OK, there is no conflict.

One of her friends slaps children, terrified of it — there is not a conflict. If the second approves, there is no conflict. If both terrified and both do not spank, never, there is no conflict.

One family provides a fully-grown children, the second is considered a special valor, if he starts to earn himself. Here the potential alienation and wariness family friends. Well, and so on. published

 

Author: Yulia Rubleva

 

P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©

Source: www.facebook.com/iskusstvomenyatsa/posts/387873764670362