Forgiveness again. . .

I'm sorry and rememberOnce upon a time, quite a long time ago, I stood in front of the subway station "Prospect Veterans" and tried to break up with my then boyfriend. I dragged his clothes and a photo album with me and persistently stuck it in his hands: take, they say, I do not need anything of yours at home. He didn’t seem to believe what was happening to the end, he tried to push back what he had brought, and he always asked me for forgiveness. Yes, I have already told him that I have forgiven him, and I am not offended at all – even that he slept with another. I have forgiven, I have forgiven, you see, I am not angry. But our relationship does not make any sense. The young man, it seems, did not understand: well, he apologized! He apologized very much! He appreciates me and cherishes me! He promised me never again! He didn't even like that girl very much. Why, why can't we start again, well, he apologized, and even fell to his knees in the fall park, and I even said that I forgive - but immediately said that it was over. How'd it end, did you forgive me?

Whenever I want to, I'm pretty damn stubborn, so we broke up. I never managed to convey one important thing to him that time. Forgiveness does not mean resetting relationships and amnesia for all the unpleasant things that happened between us. To forgive means not to take revenge, not to be offended, not to punish for some things that happened in a relationship. This means that those things that were “acute” in the relationship (resentment, anger, betrayal) cease to be relevant and go into the past. But they were! All these things existed, they happened in a relationship! I can’t cut out a piece of cortex to forget what happened, and I’m not going to pretend that what happened didn’t actually happen. It just stopped hurting, that's all.

But I find it extremely foolish to forgive, to pretend that what happened didn’t actually happen. It was, it happened, whatever it was: betrayal, resentment, humiliation or some other painful thing. And now I know that my partner is someone who can do this to me (if only because he has done it to me before). And I have to decide if I want to have a relationship with this person who can do this to me.

I didn’t want a relationship with that guy anymore. Well, I did not see myself in the place of his girlfriend, who actively herds him and pulls him out of other people's beds, I did not find anything attractive in this.

I do not believe that forgiveness should mean that the memory of the forgiving is rejected. No, human relationships don’t have a “backup reboot” option. Here information is constantly written on top of the old one, and there is no way to erase a particular sector from what happened.

One of my friends (to my deepest regret, I don’t remember who) once wrote a stunning post, the main meaning of which I will quote from memory. (If anyone recognizes the author, please let me know.) So, the friend wrote that there are, they say, very important books and films that he would like to show his daughter. And one of them is the cartoon “The Lion King”. And the most important scene in it is the one in which little Simba cries over the corpse of his father, the lion king Mufasa. Do you remember what happened there? The stupid little lion cub disobeyed his father, went where he was forbidden to go, and the father saved the cub at the cost of his own life. Extremely touching moment of the cartoon is the one when the baby lion cub asks forgiveness from the lifeless father; at this place almost all the audience sobs.
And the most important thing to understand from this story is that sometimes there are situations in life when you can ask for forgiveness a thousand times, and it will not change anything. Mufasa will still be dead, despite Simba’s pain and guilt, even though the little lion cub needs a father. Of course, the lion father forgave his baby (thereafter the father blesses Simba who grew up from heaven), but this forgiveness also did not change anything: the lion king was dead, and his son had to grow up an orphan, suffering from the grief of loss and acute guilt.

I'll say it again. It's important.

There are times when you can apologize a thousand times. And that won't change anything.

Life cannot be booted from the backup – what happened has already happened.

If you wish, you can forgive someone who is guilty. This sometimes (not always!) will relieve some of the pain. But no forgiveness can change anything that has happened: what has happened has already happened, and we have to live with it. Forgive or not.

Take care. Be careful with relationships.

Life is fragile, and saying “sorry” a thousand times on the grave of a loved one will not change anything. But you can lose not only life - trust, for example, is just as disposable. It's either there or it's lost. And a million "I'm sorry" will not return it. This unpleasant discovery is faced by thousands of couples trying to mend relationships after the infidelity of one of the partners. And it seems the same as always, but love does not stick, does not go the old way. Sorry isn't enough. The relationship with this new person, which became a partner, will never be the same as before. Even if they both really, really want it.

Trust. Love. Proximity. These are all things that don't stick together, repair and reboot.

But you can forgive, of course. Although that's not necessary.



Author: Pavlova Elizaveta

Source: psyholog-in-web.ru/ 2013/09/03/snova-o-proshenii/#more-447