How to get rid of fear of failure. Forever

We all face fear of rejection. It was the same with Jia Jiang. But he overcame this fear... thanks to a box of donuts.

He explains how it happened in his excellent book Rejection Proof: How I Beat Fear and Became Invincible Through 100 Days of Rejection. He wanted to be an entrepreneur, and entrepreneurs all the time refuse.





How did he deal with fear?

Turning it into a game. 100 days Jia asked strangers absolutely outrageous things, waiting for a refusal. And he was denied. Often. But a lot of people unexpectedly agreed. Knocking at the door to the stranger with the ball in his hands, he said, "Can play football in your yard?" "Come in." He asked the police, can I drive his car. The answer? "Come on." And when he asked the staff at Krispy Kreme to make him doughnuts in the shape of the Olympic rings, they did. Free.

Here is his speech at TEDx.



Cool story, huh? I know you won't run through the streets in search of those who will deny you. But studying the Jia experiment and the science of failure, we can understand a lot of things that can help us overcome fears. (Please do not throw this reading. And I feel that I was denied.)

Yes, denial is a very strong effect on us

Let's say you wanted to join the Ku Klux Klan. But you refused. Well, let them, right? It's a gang of ignorant racists. But research suggests that even ostracized by a despised group can still be unpleasant. Crazy, right? But the failure is so serious that temporarily makes you stupid the us, significantly reducing our IQ and ability to reason analytically, as well as increases the level of aggression.

Studies show that the brain does not distinguish between physical and emotional pain:

"A new study using MRI found that the same networks of neurons that are activated when your tongue burns hot coffee also are activated when you think about a loved one who rejected you".

And taking pain can alleviate not only physical pain but also emotional distress. Much can be done to make people treat you better. But it is impossible to completely prevent the possibility of failure. And the more you hide, the more your world shrinks, and the less likely that your dreams will come true.

How, then, to treat the situations when you face rejection?

Turn it into a game

The majority of those banal advice that people give about the failures, ineffective. "Ignore it. What do you care what he thinks?" But the offense of failure — so emotional and deep thing that rationally it is difficult to dismiss. Better go by Jia. He turned it into a game. And when you in new ways and with humor interpret things, it kills the stress. In tense moments, explains psychologist Rod Martin, jokes pereformuliruem your perception of the source of stress. "Humor is the game of ideas and concepts, says Martin. — When people are in a stressful situation and feel the overload, they in my head spinning one thought: this is terrible, it is urgent to get out of here. But if you can look at it with humor, then you, by definition, will see the situation differently". I talked to the special forces and Rangers, and they all say that most helped them break through their tedious studies, the ability to see what is happening in the game.

Joe Simpson broke his leg in several places, going down the mountain. He was already almost dead. As he continued to move, even though any sane person in his position would have just given up and died?

He perceived it as a game:

"There is a certain pattern of movements after the initial awkward jumps. I carefully repeated this sequence. Every replay meant one more step, and I felt alienated from everything around. I thought about this sequence".

His suffering turned into dance, and the dance freed him from the dread of what was to be done. Similarly, Jia saw the refusal is not a form of social death, and the game. And it became interesting. Hearing "no", he doesn't feel like a loser. In the end, he began to experience the same feelings that in a video game, when you have something does not work: shrugged and tried again. And the great thing that people were willing to join his game.

Employees of Krispy Kreme, too, was fun to play. Well. But how to cope with failure when it already happened?

Lean on friends

In scientific research you can find many amazing things. For example, what helps you cope with failure? Thoughts about your favorite series. One study showed that such thoughts create a buffer before the fall of self-esteem and before amplifying the feelings you deny, when there is a threat to any intimate relationship.

What else? Hug a Teddy bear. This research demonstrates that mitigates the negative effects of exclusion from community and increases the likelihood of a more active social behavior. But before you lose faith in science, let's look at these findings more widely. A happy marriage reduces pain from chronic diseases. Even look at a photo of loved one reduces pain. That is actually about relationships. Family, friends — even Teddy bears soften pain. Including from failure.

Well, what has this TV?

The TV series is a "social surrogate", they give you the same feeling of community and relationships with people.

Jia began its struggle with failures not alone. His wife was extremely supportive, she advised him to quit work and do what he is really interested in (which, incidentally, was pregnant at the time.)

Thus when you face failure, the best response is to appeal to those who accept you and love you. Is the best medicine. After all, we need to be accepted and appreciated. When we are beloved people, failure a short time causes pain. But regret about the undone can stay with you for life. When failure turns to you in the game, you can try something new without fear. And you will see what I discovered Jia: people are often more helpful than you think.

Studies show

we underestimate how much others are willing to help us. published

 

P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©

 

Source: ideanomics.ru/?p=4429