I want to once again raise the issue of forgiveness, as in letters and communication often hear stories about what all has forgiven, accepted, love rules the world and all, but "parted ways", "we don't talk anymore", "eventually divorced after three years", "requested(-a), but forget about the fact can't" really here to true forgiveness is still far.
You also know that when my husband had a mistress, and then came to confess, my wife decided to be "above it all" and took her back without any explanation of the relationship and the more scandals ("we are intelligent people"), but as time goes on, the husband is suspicious incidents were no longer seen, and inside, still no rest.
Gradually, the wife away, the wall of misunderstanding and alienation becomes higher and higher, eventually comes to the same "walk through the past" and either a closure, or rupture of relations. With men this also happens after the betrayal of his wife — seems to be forgiven, but the male ego hit and even after ten years, but left the family, and not being able to accept the fact of betrayal.
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Family conflicts associated with division of assets (who gets the cottage recently deceased grandmother; eighteen-year-old child wants to live separately in the apartment, which pass, for it is written; grandpa doesn't want to move to the children and to leave for the grandchildren, etc.), choice of residence, study and work, parenting issues, communication with older relatives of the family — these and other topics throughout the history of family systems become an insurmountable obstacle for a happy life many men and women.
First of all, the very culture of communication in our society is not perfect call — people just don't know adequate and acceptable behavior in conflict situations (to name expectations, to listen to the second side, to choose negotiations and compromise instead of ultimatums, and manipulation), and secondly, very low level of psychological literacy and spiritual development in General, forcing family members to solve problems from a child's position ("I want what you want, otherwise you are not friends and don't talk"), and thirdly, common in many families, the position of "better a bad peace than a good quarrel" is more often harms than helps.
Be offended and hold a grudge forever is impossible, but some have been fairly successful doing this for many decades, why is this happening? Because forgiveness is a workout, you know what will be found on the way to yourself. It is clear that want to think well of yourself, saying such clean and bright, not angry, not get stuck in the offense, to indulgent, a big heart and wide soul allow you to recover from any blows of fate in a few days, but is it really?
Look at children with their bright manifestations of feelings and emotions: if quarreled, "I'm with you not going to be friends because you're bad", the tears, the screaming, the fighting, but when emotions spilled out (and not to force the children to contain them), the rewards and punishments received justice through the intervention of elders, then the children run, jump and have fun together. Because sincere forgiveness that comes after living emotions and negative States, conversations and statements of claims, establishing rules for the future and much more, brings. We know how much children need time, attention, clarification and regulation of their emotional States.
In the world of grown-up (most often in body but not in spirit) people engagement in conflict situations varies from open confrontation go to a quiet cold war, they say, let them guess where you made a mistake and how to fix it. In the process of silent confrontation with external "I'm good," spiced with portions of the attendant smiles and polite phrases, within man there are destructive processes.
The real cleansing of the heart from resentment occurs through the accommodation of emotions and spiritual maturity and not by the strong-willed decision "forgive you!". The ability to forgive is a skill that is generated by the repeated accommodation of large and small grievances, disappointments, rejection, failure.
Accommodation — is to stop, emotions, understanding, insights, reconciliation with self and/or others, the task is not simple, agree. If a child is not taught to cope with negative emotions, he has to master this skill in adulthood, and then not deceive yourself.
With the release of the accumulated negativity comes easily in the heart, and if you do not come, then there is still work to be done. The ability to forgive brings us, first of all, with ourselves and does not always imply a resumption of relations with those who have caused pain in our lives.
Sometimes injuring or misbehavior comes from people who do not want to be aware of their actions, to admit mistakes and change, — then it makes sense to retreat to a safe distance and not to give in insult. But to get rid of the severity of this pain is necessary, though it is not easy, because nevalinna pain causes people to be closed from friendship, love, joy and happiness in life.
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Forgiveness does not mean you have to pretend that nothing bad happened, happened, and it should be taken. Only when all the negative events of the past will be honestly named for: treason, treachery, violence, alcoholism, drug abuse, poverty, rejection, humiliation, loss, etc.; emotions associated with these events, raised to the surface and lived through the tears, conversations, letters, arguments, psychotherapy, spiritual practices (who really like to get); the previous experience will be laid out on shelves, destructive patterns of reaction and behavior will begin to be replaced by new, healthier and adequate, that's when you can talk about the true release yourself from the burden of the past.
See also: What a man needs a woman
I'm not like all women: you're gonna feel when I come
Memories will remain but they will no longer have so much power. And if you have enough courage to do this ambitious work, one day you may find that to communicate with different people is not so difficult, even if they try to hurt through malice or their own immaturity, even if you look like scared animals, even if made a lot of mistakes, even if it's once close and had power over us the people.