"We in Odessa all can. But shy": 12 funny stories from Leonid Utesova

The website publishes a collection of tales from Leonid Utesov — in the retelling of the writer-satirist Alexander Horta, who was leading heading "Club 12 chairs" "the Literary newspaper".

Vladtime.Gutnov gave little Andrei Mironov violin (which, incidentally, he never touched). Maria Vladimirovna has said to his son:
— Indulges your uncle Leda. And you didn't deserve this. Show him your diary.
The boy reluctantly brought the diary. Cliffs pedagogically chided him for poor performance. When Andrew came out, Leonid Osipovich said Mironova:
— Masha, what do you want baby? When I got three in the house was the holiday...

***

1961. Utesov was invited to the Mayakovsky Theater to the premiere of "Medea". After the performance gathered in the office of chief Director Nicholas Okhlopkova: champagne, cognac and the like. All share opinions, Express ideas about performance. Its cliffs verbal review began:
— Rabinovich came from Berdichev to Odessa on a business trip and decided to go to a brothel. I came, I called the Madam and demanded: "Give me the best girl." Madam said, "The best is Sonia. But remember — Sonia is expensive." — "Why?" — "Well, it's Sonya. Rabinovich thought, at once escaped to Odessa, it is necessary to push the boat out. "Okay, let's Sonya". And when they two came to the room, Sonya began to fabricate something incredible. "Sonya, what is this?" "asked Rabinowitz. She replied: "what? It is temperament." And then Rabinovich said, "This is not a temperament, Sonia. This bustle".

***

The cliffs was a member of the qualification Commission of Mosconcert. Somehow on one of the hits showed a pair of stage with a number of bad manner. This duet sang songs, played silly skits, beat tap... the Chairman of the Commission, considering that the scene was shown a typical Odessa genre, asked Leonid Osipovich to assess these artists. Utesov did not want to hurt them, he long refused, but eventually said:
— At us in Odessa all can. But embarrassed.

***

Once in a conversation with a friend of mine Rocks complained of insomnia. She advised him to be a reliable means to think before sleeping about the most pleasant. Leonid Osipovich said:
— About the most pleasant doctor I even think of banned.

***

Ilya Nabatov and Rocks came into the hair salon Odessa.
— Please, cut me, " said Leonid Osipovich master.
He waved:
— I'm on my lunch break.
— What are you talking about! — outraged Nabatov. — Because before you Leonid Utesov!
— Well, Yes. So I believe. Found fool.
— Sing him, " suggested Ilya Utesov.
And he sang a verse of a famous song about Odessa.
Wow! exclaimed the Barber. — You really Rocks.
— Well, that cut my hair.
Now I can not have my lunch break...

***

In 1939 Leonid Utesov went on tour to Lviv, more recently, Polish. In conversation with Secretary Leonid Osipovich said that the poles made a wonderful impression on him: they are sympathetic, educated, polite. The Secretary replied:
— Do not believe that they have all superficial.
— Better than superficial politeness than sincere rudeness, answered the Cliffs.

***

Once Michael Water invited soloist of the Leningrad and entertainer Ben Bentsianov to visit him in the village, where he bought a house. After Breakfast, the artistic trio went for a walk. Running around chickens, geese, lying in a pool pig. In short, ordinary country idyll. And friends see this picture: rooster chased the hen. Caught up, but only began to trample her, as there was a hostess and began to throw food around. The cock immediately left the chicken alone and rushed to peck the grain. Bentsianov and the Water laughed, and Leonid Osipovich sympathetically said:
— Do not bring God so far.

***

Utesov one day a stranger came up to the old man and said:
— I have a child on your shows and admired your singing.
— How old are you? — asked Leonid Osipovich.
— Eighty-five.
— And I am sixty-seven.

***

On creative evening of the actress of Theatre of satire Tatyana Ivanovna pelttser Cliffs told her welcome speech and finished his speech, as always, with a joke:
— Now I would fall before you on knees. If I was sure I'd be able to climb.

***

Cliffs said that once, when he was Chairman of the prom Committee Directors-time students at GITIS, the popular singer Alla Pugacheva (she is from this release) came with a photographer to Utesov and asked permission to withdraw from him. Leonid Osipovich gladly agreed. And then he remembered the story of the time the balalaika Troyanovsky managed to take a photo with Lev Nikolayevich Tolstoy.
Balalaika was an enterprising man, he did to this photo clichés and produced a poster, which depicted together with the great writer. His entrepreneur once suggested a concert of balalaika some business executives revealed the poster.
He looked closely and said, "Well, this balalaika will play, and that will make this old man with a beard?" The entrepreneur said resentfully: "that old man with a beard, if you hear your words in his grave". — "I see," said the Manager, is acrobat. It is not necessary".
"So, Alia, graduated Leonid Osipovich — with your popularity, I'm afraid, will ask, "what is that man near you?"

Alexander Hort. From Alesbian (excerpts from the book "King and retinue").

via factroom.ru