Eco expression of aggression: try to stay within Bashny.Net

This text was born in the process of discussion with the participants of the training on research co-dependent states. Within a month, we have been consistently moving along the path of self-examination in the relationship.

We started with the training recognition of feelings and recognition of such protective mechanisms, such as mergers and projection investigated merger differences of proximity, learning to feel better and denote its borders, as well as examined the mechanisms that impede this. To understand, what is the difference between speculation and reality, needs and dreams. Studied to refuse and / or refuse.




Many times you experience the following topic. When a person is (finally!) Finds himself among strangers senses and needs, he became more sensitive to the fact that it is not suitable. As he starts to distinguish more clearly where his desire, and where it does not.

In fact, unpacking all these automated mechanisms betrayal of their own needs, we are launching a process opposite to obeschuvstvlivaniyu that accompanied the man for many years, until he learned to adjust to those who were so comfortable.

No wonder that after such discoveries to many gets the same question: What actually do? With a person commits some things that do not suit him, and he just realized that they do not suit him. Put up with it, he no longer wants. In addition, almost all the participants will note the presence of the experience discomfort when suppression still leads to the destruction of relations: people are either moving away from each other, or there is an explosion, and relationships are broken for this reason

. Many people ask the same question: "How environmentally express aggression?". My answer is exactly the same as the answer to students-psychologists and future therapists to this question: in terms of aggression itself is not the slightest sense. Moreover, in general, in terms of feeling as such is not the slightest sense. Surprised? Let me explain what I mean.



Space of our inner world - a purely personal thing. Yes, we know some of the laws by which this living space. In the strict scientific sense, these laws are not provable, but clinical practice provides some empirical evidence from the series "is likely to be the case, but" after "but" there are descriptions of possible exceptions.

Yes, based on these laws, we can predict the behavior of others, and expect to be more likely to those or other reactions from this or that person. But, again, there may be exceptions. And the most important of these exceptions -. We are

Even ourselves, we can predict far not 100%, what to speak of others? One and the same event is in one case we have one and the other - a very different response. Yes, we can explain why, but that does not help. We can only gain experience and try to describe it. With due diligence and honesty may be that around the middle of life, we can finally meet with you :)

Given the above, to share feelings with a partner with the aim to control his behavior in such a way - the idea is not very good. By itself, the thesis "Now I'll tell you what I feel, and you listen to" - has a broken conversation. If the story is about what I feel, it takes half an hour, and after this story is not a request, a question, statement or any other message across, we deal with the manipulation: "Now I'll tell you what I feel, and you yourself guess what YOU NEED TO DO".

Partner in response to its secret anger usually feels (manipulation always causes heavy feeling implicitly), then all his "guesses" about what he has to do with guilt and painted look somewhat unnatural. Good will and dialogue of the two self-sufficient people here and does not smell.

In my opinion, the expression of feelings, and if it makes sense, in two cases:

1. Both of you from this nice. You get pleasure from the process. "You're so beautiful! I always want you, I see ... "-" I am too crazy about you »

. 2. You inform about the negative feeling to designate the border.

And the second point we come to the matter, the participants actively debated our training. Why express aggression? As it express? I think after my theoretical retreat, the answers to these two questions arise spontaneously.

1. Why express aggression?

To inform the partner that he is doing something undesirable and unacceptable. Notice to notify, inform, inform - not that uploaded to partner the entire volume of anger, you have accumulated from birth to such broad-ryzhyim men like him. (If we mention here a very ambiguous Bert Hellinger, remember that aggression, shame, guilt - can be completely generic feelings) Why all this to your partner? Just because he has turned to you by the arm today? Agree, this is not very fair. And most importantly - completely impractical

. 2. How to express aggression (environmentally friendly)?

I think that taking into account the above, environmentally unfriendly you will not succeed. And yet, a few tips.

A) does not aim at acting out the aggression with a partner. Typically, he gets more than he deserved. It is better to do it with his psychologist, he has a supervisor, then let understand.

B) Designate specific than you unhappy. Explain why, if required. Talk about your feelings.

C) Try to stay within the I-messages. Say "I am disappointed that ...", "I am very offended when," "I was wounded in that ...". Refrain from You-message: "You despise me," "You're despicable," "You're a goat ...»

. And the most important point:

D) Identify what you want from a partner and be willing to maintain dialogue. Say, "I ask you to be with me Coastal", "Please do not say so-and-so", "I would like to go away for a week, try to understand me," "Do not go without me because».

Remember the main thing: if this last point is not in your communication with your partner, all the others, too, made no sense. Expressing feelings (as well as any statement) plays a communicative role.

If you express your feelings to the partner just to put it, this means that you prefer to use another person as a drain channel. No wonder if it will do you the same.

Author: Pauline Gaverdovsky