I know one family. Outwardly very good, twenty years together. Children already teenagers. They look nice. Someone to them is equal. And while I have not talked with a woman closer, I was sure that the family ideal.
Let's tell the story from the beginning. It is - from the family of intellectuals. My mother - a doctor, father - a scientist. The family of many children, urban, prosperous. All four children graduated. My daughter is crazy about art - theaters, museums, ballet, opera. One might even call it something aristocratic.
He - a regular guy. From the village of ten houses. From a huge family where parents have no time for education. He graduated from the eighth grade. Barely. And then we had already fully engaged in farming. He hands out the right place. Do not drink. A very simple man, close to the ground. Tchaikovsky and confuses Twardowski, both did not hear, does not know. And there is no need.
It so happened that her first love of the same intellectual family abandoned her before the wedding. When everything was decided, and even the restaurant was booked. She did not understand how it happened. Almost flew out of the institution from such experiences. But experienced. I survived and met him.
She says that he once seemed to her reliable. He is, of course, seemed to be some kind of unreal beauty queen. Neat, elegant, intelligent, educated. He was fascinated by her, courted as he could. Yes, not very nice. But persistently, consistently.
It recognizes that it is not in love with him then. And the main thing was for her that he had her just never give up. That's why she came to marry him. Someone seemed to be too fast. Someone - thereby former avenged. But it is not so important. Released.
He took her from the village. Slightly larger than the one in which he lived before. He promised that one day they will move to the city. Accumulate, buy an apartment. Born son. Then daughter. Then another son. Twenty years have passed, but they all live in the same place all the same.
And like a good idea to live - it works in the school, although it could be sitting at home. It provides all the family, but it can not be like that. Among other things, it deals with children, farm. But. There is one serious but. It is thus unfortunate. She could not stand up to the end with his move, with his way of life, with the lack of what she liked. Even so, he had no higher education. It is robust, very fond of her, but she did not talk about it. Its well-educated. She keeps everything in itself. And cry only at night, on the porch, so that no one has seen or heard.
All her life she had lived a good man who has a very different taste of happiness. One day he went with her to the ballet - even during courtship - and fell asleep there. He has not read a single book of those that it carried. He was not interested in metaphysics diseases. In life, he believes only in what can be touched. She respects him, appreciate, and even might have loved as a mother for so many years a person. But the happiness of her life there. And not because she suffers from that first love. This topic has lived for it. But because in the long family union kinship shower never happened.
And it is not easy. To see the dull eyes of the beloved, and nothing at the same time not be able to change. Seeing her melancholy, but did not dare to leave the city. Him because there's just nothing to do. Not being able to share its interests. Do not receive the support that is important to him - even one cow, even a hectare of land and a tractor
It is not easy and the children. Not just before people got married on the principle of equality "caste" - the direction of life. Kings - by queens, scientists - the daughters of scholars, merchants - on the merchant's wife, the workers - at work. The Company understands the importance of the unity of the flavors of happiness, life goals - both for parents and for children
They have three children, and one can not find myself. They have a combined incongruous - both the taste of both parents, in a strange proportions. They can not not work with his hands, like a father, but also can not just hands and work. They have to alternate between the two. And at the same time still feel strange and defective (in the village of something). Program, then cut the wood, then read the book, then cut out the table, and then milking the cow, and then calculate integrals. In their constant conflict - whether higher education is necessary? And you want to, and prickly. Do I have to work only with his hands? Or it is necessary to strive for office work? They are insanely difficult to find yourself. One twenty-five, he had torn, and university can not finish, and find their place.
Family - is not just a communal kitchen and bed. It is something more. It is a place where we can be yourself, be free and relaxed, honest and sincere. But what if the house you do not understand? What if you have a completely different idea of happiness? What then will be the home for you? Prison? A burden? Hell?
The heroine of the story is pretending for a long time. She was not one to talk about it. Sometimes she talks to her daughter, but is afraid to hurt her, and so even with it - lies. House says "we and Dad everything is fine." And inside - a void. Frightening its very emptiness. Therefore she is afraid to even look.
Each of them separately would be much happier. She could marry an educated citizen, I would go to the theater once a month, would wear their favorite hat to the output, would send their children to music school. I would be willing to sophisticated French cuisine instead of plain potato with meat. Hung House would exquisite curtains. I would work in any establishment of the Arts, home to paintings hung favorite artists. I would wear fancy dress, not robes.
He could find a normal village girl. That would not bore him three children, fearing to spoil the figure, and five or six or eight. The more children, the easier it is to cope in the village. She would happily cooked his favorite soup, to bake bread, darned socks, milked cows. I do not just do it all, and would do it with pleasure. She would not have tried to persuade him to finish night school, I did not go to work. And I would not look at him with those empty eyes.
But they live together. Already twenty years. And pretend that everything is normal. Afraid to imagine that it could have been otherwise. And what model of family relations they broadcast children?
When you are not married yet, take it carefully. This is perhaps the most important. Your taste of happiness and the taste of your partner's happiness. If the gulf between you and the ocean of differences, it may not be necessary to connect with each other fate. If you have a diametrically different ideas about how and where to live, how to raise children, how many children to bear and give birth if at all, something to live for, what to do - it is an occasion hundred times weigh their decision
The easiest way to "save" the marriage - without entering into it. Of course, when we love, we all seem a trifle. Or if we do not love, but just look forward to a secure future - as the history of the character. But this is not a small thing. This is the foundation. This is the atmosphere in which you raise children. This is the space in which you live. All my life.
It's the same thing as eating habits. Imagine that you are allergic to fish, and the smell, and my husband only eats it. And you have a lifetime to cook the fish, covered with rash and coughing. And, most likely, you will have to eat the fish. At the same time your favorite apples, may not grow in the yard of his house, and then you will not see them.
Of course, about ways you can negotiate and move. To go to the ballet once a month. Even in the village wearing a beautiful dress. Buy the book. But how much effort you have to spend it! If you are already in such a union, you have to put these efforts to seek a way out. In order not to lose himself and partner. Find an opportunity for both of you to be happy, without abandoning his nature. And this is another task.
That's why I say - the easiest way not to enter into such a marriage, where you are so different in the most important things. Your values, firs life, the taste of happiness.
Not just before the wife or husband chose the parents - they can see things from the outside. Viewed on the future of the family-in-law, his parents on him. Do not look in love, without giving discounts. Viewed in the root. And we see what is difficult to see a young girl with a somewhat inexperienced idealistic picture of the future.
It does not change people. More precisely, change their habits, characters, but the taste of happiness is almost impossible to change. You will most definitely is not under force. Mission Impossible initially. Although if you like it challenges that have no solutions, then why not. But if you want a happy family life - think
If you have a mentor - ask his advice. Talk to the groom seriously about the meaning of life, about what he sees your life twenty years later, the future of your children possible. Talk to your parents, look at his parents. Communicate. Will you be able to stay in this relationship is, there can not sacrifice something very important to them, can not infringe upon whether and in something valuable for him? Do not rush to make a decision that affects your future. Thoughtfully chosen husband - is half the battle in this case, as the construction of family
Sympathy, of course, important and necessary. Sympathy helps you fall in love with a person, want to be with him, to give birth to his children. Sympathy and not mad love to the eyes misting. Too strong sense of the brain is usually so intoxicating that we do not see the most important - our differences
At the heroine was a rigorous calculation, if you remember. The calculation, which is something justified, and in some - not. She got to be reliable, he did not quit and do not give up. But is not it too expensive to pay for it?
Firstly, the health. In his forties, she is no longer a healthy organ in the body. No one. She was always ill and treated, and ill treated. From curb their true nature suffers from her body.
Secondly, it can not respect her husband. Can not physically. Treat him leniently down. Because between the two is too large gap - not in his favor. If he was the son of scientists, and it is - a village girl, it would be easier. questions would certainly not have arisen with respect.
Thirdly, it has become coarser. She became less likely to read books. And now, when children grew up, she does not go to the ballet. Because she has nothing to wear. Because she is stout, like her husband. She need not be beautiful in the country. She herself has ceased to please. Of herself she had not wanted to take care of.
Fourth, all of her youthful dreams remained unfulfilled. She never saw Paris, which is so wanted. I do not learned to dance the foxtrot. Do not acquired an apartment in your favorite area of the city. These dreams eat her from the inside now. As missed opportunities. Although it would seem - it is not all lost. But she has no not believe in anything.
Fifth, it has ceased to pray and believe in God. My husband does not believe. Icons do not like. Removed hid. The temple once, there is no need. It seems so bad. That's all. Even their not wearing a cross. And once every week to receive communion. And the memory of this place hurts.
My husband also paid a price. Having achieved a great deal for the country boy, he did not become a hero. And even began to drink sometimes.
Before marriage it is important to understand who we are, who our groom, as we are the same and we are different, for what we are going to live together and who we help you. Do not put your trust in this important matter on a case. He may fail. More precisely, it is just the same and brings most couples divorce, then we have every day more and more. We do not get along - it is not only "not yet decided who our God", but "did not find the overall taste of happiness." But who is right to say it.
And I want to wish you a happy marriage! And if you are already there - it is not so bad as you now seem.
Author: Olga Valyaeva chapter in the book "Healing of a woman's soul"