Mom hovering over me, like a helicopter ...

Today, the "ideal helicopter parents» (Helicopter parent). Often, the "perfect parent" super-present in the child's life, but mentally absent.

This metaphor has appeared in the late 60's - early 70-ies in the book Chaim Ginotta "between parents and adolescents." Teenager in it said: "Mom hovering over me, like a helicopter ...»


Helicopter parents - hang and hang over the child and care, intervene, control, do not let out of sight. Of course, they all do sincerely, and child benefit, and give, of course, the best they have ... Super attending at the same time really - emotionally distant (even if they think they know, feel young and with their best friends).

"Perfect Parent" (as well as the perfect employee, student, wife, husband, citizen), created and imposed by social (and not only) myth. Estimated "ideal" is very subjective.

A person constantly compares himself with the "ideal" predisposed to neurotic depression are often anxious, unsure of himself, tense, can not relax, rarely are satisfied, feels a sense of guilt ...

But it is easy to use - this is a wonderful occasion for manipulation, because: the ideal woman look like -----, --- cream are ideal wife read --- ------ cook, ideal parents buy baby vitaminy-- - and means of worms ---- ---- learn from, give the child to - courses

. Where there is guilt, almost always begins manipulation. Where there is a shift of the focus of attention on an external object - feeling lost, the integrity of its Ya

When I asked the "perfect mom" honestly answer the question "what will happen the worst, if you are not a perfect mother", the most common (! Honest) answers were such:

husband will be disappointed and probably will go to another
I will not love
that thinks in-law / mother / sister
so I understand that no matter what is not capable
means live in vain
sense of guilt then will the same as my parents

Well, with the children here? It turns out that we use them to ... "collect huskies" for our self-life.

Our myth of the ideal formed very early. First, is the mediator between us and our parents ... instead of a healthy attachment and confidence in the fact that we have a place - in love, in family and in the world ... and then it turns out that we serve him - this myth
The question - "what mom - the perfect?". Most children respond - "my". Kids do not understand the question.

And if they ask "what if mom and dad to touch the magic wand and magic they become" the children said:

will not shout
It will not make reading and doing homework
do not argue with each other
will buy all
will be allowed to play on your phone and tablet
never die

Ideal in fact can not be - the world is too diverse.

And that is ideal for one - absolutely not acceptable for another

. And each child his lessons that it is important to go through and that it should be taken with the "imperfect" with us.

Perfect parents - arrogant, evaluation, and often boring or often "flirting" with their children.

They are crammed with quotations and useful knowledge on how to properly. But ...

playground Recently Viewed mother, dressed in a warm enough heat baby in her arms ... I undress the child and her mother said something very clever about thermoregulation. Heard my mother she told friends that after a long illness the child "does not hold" temperature, its temperature is about 35 degrees. And the doctor has advised to dress a little warmer. And I remember how I myself Kuta little boy trying to be "perfect mom", but fears about crowded drafts, ears and bronchitis. And he firmly ill, and I felt a terrible mother and build momentum ideal ...

And still on the road met a little girl on his heels, and only had time to think, "Why ?! heard my mother says - hardly found (or ordered) special orthopedic shoes - looks like the heels, and my daughter does not hesitate to wear ...

On each of our "perfect" knowledge and evaluation has a real story. And each author's theory is usually served at some time personal author therapy.

Once in an interview, he said, I have my internal "anti-rating" schools created after the therapeutic work with children of these schools (school got in my list only if there were many similar school needs and situations in completely different children ) almost every day, we get a letter with a request to advise the ideal school.

I say that this is impossible. Because for compliance with the "ideal" important to consider the area of ​​the city, psycho child, this time of need for the baby. There is also a school in which the child will be very comfortable emotionally, it will get stronger self-esteem, communication skills will catch up, but the level of knowledge may be weaker than in the school where he will know for sure thing, but will learn in the face of fierce competition. Or, it will know the object is deeper than in other schools, but it will be evaluated in this school are much stricter and it will be a blow to the expectations of success and family perfectionism.

... Between my children 12 years difference. And it's not only the "calendar" age difference. Between them 12 years of my own personal therapy. And I can not yet say that the "ideal virus", exacerbated by a diagnosis of "Well-you-psychologist" completely neutralized. I'm pretty sure that despite all my doing the inner work, my younger daughter will be a story to tell about his childhood therapist.

Thanks to those who I most often recalls that children do not need perfect parents, they harm our obligation and giperotvetstvennost that it is difficult to fit our "ideal" that they suffocate (sometimes literally - coughing) from our correctness, pressure and expectations, that they are anxious and uncomfortable sensations of our "helicopter hovering" over them (just imagine that over you - the helicopter adults hanging around the clock). We want to run - because that is exactly what our children do, running away in phones, tablets, fantasy, social networks ...

If we are "perfect" parents:

We do not give the child to adapt to real life.
We too often we fix the mistakes and not allow himself or his mistakes
We can not relax and lose contact with the life and happiness.
We are not in contact with the child's true potential, hindering their child to grow up myself.
We often do not give the child time to feel his own desire and need
We often use his successes or anticipate its success to raise their self-esteem.
We do not give him a childhood enjoy
We are very tired and burn out
We often feel a sense of guilt and a feeling that something important "nedodali»

And what do you do? All this "helicopter power" on time spent on themselves.

As for me, in courses for parents (or in our personal work to a) focus on the important contact with itself on podlechivanie their injuries, to get acquainted with their "inner child", the transformation of feelings of guilt and shame.
< br> They are important knowledge of developmental psychology, the development of the nervous system, the brain child, the needs of each age. Big game-song-creation - a "toolbox" of the child world

. Own practices are important for resource recovery and harmonization. Important contact with his race. In these dangerous speed, promise quick results. In internal processes has its own laws and safety. Danger promise magic pill against any "symptoms". Especially dangerous - not harmless, ostentatious and a sense of vulnerability in groups

. Wherever there is a touch of the experience of our childhood - the important features of accuracy and care. and, of course, dangerous manipulative schemes offered "what to do and say," to get from someone something. This is even more "enchants" relationships and ourselves.

Well, actually what I wrote, can already be rough (imperfect) work plan with him on the way from the ideal of competence and calm.

From the pursuit of the perfect and perfectionism do not need to get rid of completely. Either as for us there is the line, "his number", which can come in handy. It is important not to lose contact with the quality of the force.

We invest in all children what we have, instead of waiting often gratitude, closeness, respect and trust. A child often "return" to us detachment, selfishness ... Maybe that's what he takes and picks up "for" our "helicopter ideality" and giperzabotoy?

And for optimism:

Jewish boy, 6 years old, sent to school. At the interview he was asked how much he knew of the seasons?

Dita thinks for a moment and said confidently:

- 6!

Director, he hints:

- And if you think about?

The guy thinks for a moment and says:

- Honestly, I did not remember most ...

Director expressive faces turned red mummy boy and sends them for a moment in the corridor. There my mother indignantly asks the boy:

- Sema, and Shaw did was that ?!
- Mama! - Almost in tears she tells her son, - I really do not remember much except Tchaikovsky, Vivaldi, Haydn, Piazzolla, Loussier and Glazunov! published

Author: Svetlana Roiz


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