About tantrums and rejecting mom

Yuri My - my biggest teacher in this topic

. His father died in a year and a half, and in two I began to keep it regularly with my grandfather, my grandmother, because I had to keep learning. Then I saw in higher education - at least some bulwark of its future financial stability, but Jura did not was ready for this, I went through a terrible tears, tearing it off its feet, and she was still crying at the door before you go to the university.

A year later, I left it there for a week with overnight stays, and since I live in a two-hour ride from there, and it can not be me, but even more so with an overnight stay, we did not see. And then I finished breastfeeding. Plus tacit or even transparent - I do not know - a very negative attitude towards me there, obviously razdrakonilo little man who seeks support in the all-powerful, ideal parents

. And then (earlier too, but after - especially) - began in the Jura tantrums. According to an hour. At half. Day and night. With Milled asphalt. On the floor of the subway. in a puddle. Floundering feet. Squeals. Undressed biting. Pushing me and shouting - "Go away, poor mother! I do not need! you do not love me !!! "And while I absolutely just instinctively know how exactly I needed him. As far as he wants it from me to feel their necessity and love. But any attempt to hug him, prigolubit - perceived by him as a burn. He was more than safe, it was too painful - to open my affection, because suddenly I throw it again, and again the world will collapse? Safety - hate and reject, not to indulge in his soul


Photo Helen Whittle

I just went a long way towards regaining his confidence in me. Until now, we still have relapses occur. It is still sometimes I am broken. Nevertheless, we are moving toward convergence, and we now have a period - "good", and I want to fix, to share the experience that I have gained. Moreover, it works, is applicable to any relationship, not only in a pair of child-parent, but also a pair of adult-adult, each of us sometimes feels like a child in relation to the other, such a large and significant for us.

Support: credibility

Firstly, I would like to support. Find a point of support and hope. The fact that the child responds to the parent so aggressively, so clearly, the fact that he was so loud - in the literal sense of the word tells us about their pain - says in fact not only its closeness to us, but also about his painful, but incredibly strong willingness - to reopen. The whole of his pain - he asks, he prays to convince him that he can trust us. And the fact that he allows himself to reject us, as evidence of his confidence in us. Late trust. A sort of - credibility. "I reject - and trust - that you still stay close, even though I hate you - and then you me really love, though so bad." All these vile manifestations here - as luck would have described, it crumbles, spill, break, break. When do stuff on to the patient - pour something on the keyboard, throw the laptop on the floor :)) to hit his younger brother - just walk through the forbidden. That's all - just signs of his trust us. The fact that it will be adopted. This is an opportunity - to make him feel that he still love

. The degree of aggression and rejection - is the degree of desire to be loved. His suffering in the vicinity, on the trusting relationships that were.

So no need to be discouraged and frustrated when the baby says such terrible words. Here, I remembered another variation: "I wish I was born to other mothers! I'll leave your family! "And a bunch more like provoking us on our own bottoms phrases.

Warmed between, be proactive.

Secondly, you need to be proactive. Do not try to fix something in the situation itself, when it is hysterical, already resistance is aggression. And flat out, to build love - between the situation before. Stroking, kissing, burbuzyakatsya on the bed, worn on the hands - go into some even regress - shake, pobayukat, bathe. Between. Imbues warmth to the very top. Give a lot of their time and attention. Respond to any "ve" in infancy. Speak words of love.

There are practice me about her child psychologist she said. This is called "Therapy of love." When the child fell asleep, it's the first fifteen minutes, you can stroke it, kiss, and most importantly, to impose in the affirmative all is what you do with it now seeks, "You my love. You're my kind, good. You are my calm, confident. You know, Mom have you. Mom is always there. I'm not going anywhere. I love you "or -., Depending on the perspective -" You are healthy. Feet you are strong, your clever head, your heart strong, and so on, "You know, I snorted at first, I thought that for such a hypnosis, but the Christmas tree, it works !!! So much so that the Yurok are not written in the nights when I told him it condemns, and clings to me the next day, if he offended anyone, and do not run away from me.

And most importantly, that this is also a therapy for Mom. Imagine how consciously we contemplate her sleeping child? As we admire them how to penetrate the sense of love for him? It really is also our love therapy - to the child. Because of all these difficulties, and others in the afternoon, when the ego in us so much, so many simply human, not divine-parent, we are so difficult to yourself - to receive and to give. Especially - if by the dream of being accepted and loved ...

Photos Raquel Chicheri

Respond to the feeling.

Third. Directly in hysterics. Do not respond to these terrible their words. Do not respond to words, do not think of them as a message from adult to adult. See through them to see in it, for them, through them - feeling. The sense of what lies behind the words, the message waiting, what is behind them. And to respond to the feeling. There are kids who are great help if the mother will deliver a feeling for it, let him to freedom - naming finally hurt. Or disappointment or fear of loss, or anger. It's kids who are close to the logic of structural thinking. But there are children who are sick and vulnerable, even because my mother said it out loud, naming feelings even more traumatic for them, because my mother like a tyrant - all of them know, if ultrasound - and not hide. Children often closed her face at such moments. So here active listening can both help and promote the process of building experience and contacts, and, conversely, to push it back, make things worse. Look at the situation, every time. And just for your child.

But what works no matter uttered or not we have a feeling, it is our reaction to the feeling - heard through the word reject. If this is an insult - to ask for forgiveness. If the spirit - help release hug. If a plea - to pacify, set the framework - to take arms. To be loved in spite of checking - talking about love. How often, shouting "Get out!" - The children are asked to mind - "Do not go !!" ... Being close. Respond to the feeling.

And if you are not sure how to respond, then simply react. It can be out of place, with a good thing. It is more important - somehow, than the absolute indifference and silence

. While silence can be healing, too. Just after all this hype be torn by the fact that you take on your hands, in silence and quiet, while he is angry and shouted.

Photo Kapuschinsky

Give it time

Fourth. For me this is an important point. Willingness to devote this time.

When the baby cries - this is very inconvenient. Always inappropriately. Often - a shame, especially if it's visit or public transportation, turn store. Comments passers especially "support" our desire at all costs simply plug this situation. Threats, blackmail, sweetness, a distraction.

Or are we, in principle, there is an internal reason, the decision of how much a "must go". And if the child does not fit into the nowhere who had taken our time frame, we are beside ourselves, angry, we consider a failure of our operation to rescue US.

So you want to drop frames. As in childbirth. Do not look at the "clock" on the Missed-made. The question of priorities. There is a temporary inconvenience and social shame, there are some nuances of household, and there is love and happiness of this particular person - your baby. Because it feels like from the person depends on his parent an opportunity to feel happy, though. Parent - a prototype of God, the world for human beings. The way he relates to us - this is our rule, our rule about how we treat ourselves by how the world treats us. This is important - more important than anything else, the ability to read and count, potty already last three years, did not pick your nose on the bus, not Vasya in the sandbox ... This is the most important thing in the world - the love between mother and child
For it is worth fighting for. It is necessary to learn. For it is to grow your soul. Work. Cry. And to learn again - love - Other.

Author: Marian Olejnik, mother of three sons


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