Psychologist John Gottman (John Gottman) loves hocus-pocus - after watching how talks between a pair, he can predict with almost one hundred percent probability, they will be happy together after a few years or in their relationship has no future. It sounds incredible, but Gottman behind - 40 years of research
"Happy couples primarily see the positive in each other, something for which we can say" thank you "hug and just enjoy what life has brought with such a wonderful person - said Gottman. - They purposefully build relationships of respect and gratitude. Unhappy couples, on the contrary, all the time looking for something to find fault with a partner, catch each of his or her mistake. »
Gottman and his wife, Julie, also a psychologist, among the most renowned experts on marriage in the world. For several decades they have advised thousands of couples and conducted hundreds of experiments to find out the secret of a happy marriage.
The most interesting experiment Gottman called "love lab". Honeymooners invited into the lab, connected electrodes and asked to tell about the history of their relationship - they met, which is why there was the most terrible quarrel, which the happy events of life together the most memorable. Researchers observed how they communicate with each other, and electrodes measured the blood flow, heart rate and other physiological responses of the participants. Then the newlyweds were sent home, and six years later contacted them again to find out whether they are still together or not.
Based on the collected data, Gottman has divided a pair into two large groups:
happy and unhappy.
The first managed to maintain a happy marriage after six years. Second or separated, or lived together, but suffer together. When the researchers analyzed the data, they found a clear difference between the first and second groups.
Future unhappy couple looked relaxed, talking about their relationship, but the reaction of the body, measured by electrodes, said to the contrary. Heart beat quickened, they were sweating, blood flow was fast. By all indications, their bodies worked in the mode of a primitive response to fear - "fight or flight". In other words, the proximity and easy conversation with your loved one their body reacted as if confronted with a saber-toothed tiger. Even when they talk about pleasant things or minor in their relationship, they were waiting for an attack by a partner or were preparing to attack itself. Gottman found a pattern: the active partners of the body to react in the lab, the sooner destroyed their relationship with time
Couples, maintain a happy marriage after six years, on the contrary, from the very beginning showed lower physiological stress. They feel comfortable and confident with that expressed in the careful, loving attitude towards the partner even during an argument. It's not that they have better arranged physiology, says Gottman, and that they are able to create an atmosphere of trust, warmth and love for each other. But how do they do it?
As Gottman has found out, the main reason for divorce - contempt and disregard for the partner. Those of us who are looking for the slightest excuse to criticize and not used with respect to respond to requests from partner miss 50% of the positive things that make for them, and see the film where it is not. They kill not only love, but also in the literal sense of his favorite / favorite - constant criticism from important people weakens our immune system's ability to fight off viruses and oncology. Anger and indifference means the death of the relationship.
On the contrary, kindness, warmth, tenderness and care incredibly strengthen affection for each other, and over the years it only gets stronger. Studies show that kindness - the most important indicator of the stability of marriage. Good attitude gives us the opportunity to feel loved - we understand, appreciate, care about us
You can think of kindness as a once and for all of the character: you either have it or you do not. In fact, says Gottman, kindness is arranged like a muscle - the more we are exercising it, the stronger it is. In other words, on the relationship to work, so they were always in the form - so come loving couple
Of course, the most difficult to show kindness during quarrels and conflicts - but it is the most important time to be kind. When we are in the fall, our family should be a soft feather bed, which is not afraid to fall. It is easy to destroy the relationship with evil words.
"Being good does not mean that we have to hide his anger, - says Julie Gottman. - Rather, kindness tells you how it is better to express. Instead of showering insults partner, you can explain why you hurt and you're angry. For example, instead of "What's the matter with you, late again! ! Spitting image of your mother, "you can say," I hate to say it, and I know it's not your fault, but I was really terribly enrages you late again »
It's not about the presents such as a bouquet of flowers and a box of chocolates, although they are good from time to time - and how we communicate with each other every day. One way to practice kindness to each other - actively look for a reason to thank your favorite / favorite for anything during the day and not to focus on the negative ( "Dirty dishes!" "Again, too late!"), Not to think ill of a partner, if he I made a mistake. For example, an angry wife may decide that the husband is not specifically raised in the toilet seat, to tease her, but in fact he just forgot about it.
Another powerful tool to strengthen the relationship - a partner to share the joy. The problem of unhappy couples often that they can not be happy for each other. "Can you imagine, raised me!" - "Yeah, well, I have to run." To be together and share the joy of the success of a loved one is just as important as being near in times of trial.
You agree that the basis of love - kindness and what you need at all costs to look at your partner through rose-colored glasses? Or work on relationships - this too?