Injury abandoned child, or Mr. and Mrs. Smith

© «Mr. and Mrs. Smith" - thriller directed by Doug Liman

. Injury abandoned child - by this I mean the injury, in which the child remained in childhood alone with life, where parents do not fulfill their parental function: children of alcoholics and children of irresponsible parents, the children cast in the children's homes, children who were expelled from home or threatened with this, children who have experienced parental divorce or death of parents or one of them, the children, homeless, without providing them with all the timely psychological support.

Trauma - an excessive burden on the psyche, to which the mind of the child is not consulted, which is reflected later on his ability to build relationships with other people, and especially with yourself

. The worst place in the injury - it is helpless. The experience of helpless for the injured person's death is similar, it means: "I do not get sick, I did not have anybody to show that I have something does not work, I have to be stronger than all and the coolest." That is a child to take on the function of childhood their parents to ensure their safety and survival.

In the case of sufficient resources, such a person grows into a daffodil, which devalues ​​himself and others in helplessness, asserts itself at the expense of the inability of others to compete with everyone and trying to achieve perfection and the ideal in everything he touches. Such people usually achieve great success in their work, but they can not create a strong supportive relationships. They all admire, but no one aware of their terrible distress. In the case of decompensation when resources are scarce, developing alcoholism, drug addiction, Psychosomatics blooms riotous color, mental disorders up to the border states, affective disorders, depression, various addictions, suicidal and self-destructive. These are the two poles of injury: the grandeur and pettiness. These people tend to play the triangle "victim-rescuer-persecutor". With respect to the one person he will be a victim to rescuer drugomu- to tretemu- pursuer, or in the same relationship partners will constantly change places. What happens in the co-dependent relationship.

"Mr. and Mrs. Smith" - it is about the relationship of two people who are fairly compensated in their injury. Still there is a joke about such a pair, "as the two paired porcupine? -. Gently »

Two such narcissus constantly testing each other on the rejection. That is experiencing unbearable terror of rejection, they are on the one hand constantly prove their grandeur, their talents, causing each other's admiration, but on the other hand, mercilessly "wet" each other and themselves in the hope that partner all endure and still remain beside. And if a partner does not stand up and leaves, the second shows it to himself, that he was a nonentity, his partner, too, insignificance and life has no meaning, thereby reproducing his injury. If the partner stands, he immediately rises up on a pedestal and worship his talent process begins, it first tries to please, again, he grows and begins to wet his partner again, toppling him to the podium. The two of them deserve each other around. Their relationship - a swing. Swing exhausting, resources are being depleted, and then need to fill them, then infidelity begin, depending etc. And then a new cycle. They can not be together for a long time, and can be differently long. They really need each other, because it is very much in need of the approval and admiration of others, in the merger, in the vicinity, with safe but again and again, testing border security and betraying each other, they destroy the fragile trust between them. They compete with each other, they flirt with outsiders to check the partner of allegiance, a test on the test.

What do you need such pairs to maintain the relationship:
 - Stop each other to devalue
 - Establish strong boundaries of intimacy, that is not to change each other and flirt with other people
 - Search for a comfortable distance from each other, that is, to respect the personal space of each other and their own
 - To keep his word and fulfill the agreements
 - Exclude any kind of violence and coercion, including insults
 - Learn to give each other if something in the throat at the moment
 - To learn to respect "no" to your partner
 - To learn to speak to each other, "it hurts me when you say these words to me," and ask for forgiveness, even for unknowingly inconvenience
.  - Develop their self-support
 - Be aware of your experience and your tramatichesky traumatic
behavior  - To pay much attention to their physical health. Health - a resource for healing injuries

. As you can imagine, this is a big job. Such couples are very much in need of the support of each other.

Once again about guilt and shame: no one to blame, a living organism is very fragile, and it will stand alone, can not stand the other. Natural selection - a natural phenomenon, each fighting for its survival, and it can take any form. for their sense of responsibility everyone carries himself. Once you start looking for someone to blame, whether in yourself, in others there, you immediately find yourself in the role of victim and persecutor, and keep a traumatic scenario. If you really need someone to blame, that is, to vent their pain and anger, to give her a place blame natural selection. It is up to you will not suffer.

And the essence of this scenario: "I'm so sick of you to be rejected, so painful to feel helpless again, it's better, I'll kill you and myself, than I shall get back into it." It is a way of avoiding a meeting with the pain.

In the movie "Kill Bill", it still kills him, and then nearly dies herself from the pain of loss of a loved one. But she is the daughter of ...