From the author: "I think my mother is a rare being in co-dependent relationship with his son, finish reading this article until the end. Two paragraphs fyrknet and leave. If you finish reading, it is a great chance to mother and son meet each other, to understand their differences and release »
If the mother wants to wait for the grandchildren, she must leave the path of their child. © Margaret Bart
I realize that writing an article on the thankless that call on a lot of indignation, anger, and even fury of the women who chose the meaning of his life motherhood. Yet I am writing. Pent.
I often call my mother and ask permission to bring his son to the consultation. After explaining that I do not work with children, suddenly it turns out that the child is 25, 28, 30 years ... After the mother offers to call and make an appointment himself "child", is usually plenty of reasons why he can not do it: busy phone he broke, scared ... Throughout my practice there was no case to "child" called back. And I think that moms themselves prevented this: how did they lose control of it and the situation? You never know what he will say to the therapist? Moms want with the "children" to come to therapy, all to see, hear, observe, advise. Mom knows best what to her baby.
I do not support this format of psychotherapy and as a precondition for putting forward independent customer appeal and self come to me. But even in this case there are "surprises" - sometimes it turns out that, together with the client came to my mother and then there is nothing left, as "put" this mother out of the room. Sophisticated my readers have long understood that the article is osozavisimosti masquerading in this case, a strong maternal love.
The best thing you can do in this situation - to offer the most mom go for therapy and poissledovat contributed to this state of affairs. But here, too - the full puncture! Such a proposal, as a rule, receives a response from a polite "thank you, I do not need" to complete indignation and resentment "I have no problems!».
And they are just there. For externally exhibited a very strong maternal love in a woman's hide problems with her identity. Such mothers in their lives all set to please his "mamstvu". This is usually unconscious their choice, select precisely and as such here and there. Child plug a huge hole in the mother's identity, it becomes sense-motif in her life. In such a woman through sacrificial love appears the meaning of life, but not some kind of "a cheap" and "simple", and the most that neither is a noble and socially endorsed and supported: "Everything for the children!". Take it from a mom and what she is? Professional, female, partner identity effortless temporary personal. It is not easy all this. And not so honorable, even if successful.
How, then, to be in love? And where is the measure of the love itself? When it ceases to be love and becomes dependent?
Here for me the central word-measure parental love is its co-dimension. Proportionality age and situation.
There is no doubt that the smaller the child, the more he demands attention. And not just justified, it is natural in this context, child sacrifice the baby's mother. The baby should be possible to complete the presence of my mother for the life and development. And in this situation, at this time such a love-sacrifice will be co-dimensionality that is natural.
And even in this situation, my mother does not forget about yourself, if she really loves her child.
What can give a child a mother who can not take care of themselves? (Do what he likes ... but just to relax?). I foresee the indignant reaction of mothers of infants, "When ??", "What are you, a man, you know about motherhood ??". Here mother should think about the credibility of others close people (husband, grandparents, etc.), The possibility to give them a part of its functions under the care of the child, because of all that is necessary to the infant at this stage of development, the mother is indispensable only when breastfeeding. Do not rely only on its own strength.
What can give a child tired, angry, tortured mother? Only a sense of guilt that she had brought herself to him as a sacrifice.
Paradoxically, the mother, who does not care about yourself, giving yourself the whole child nasamom actually thinks only of himself, or rather its image (if I have the perfect mom enough?), Instead of the child.
But as the child grows in the presence of his mother's life is becoming less necessary. In my opinion, the bottom line is growing gradually more child separation from their parents. And in the process of growing children the role of parents is releasing their children to independent life. It is clear that the process of releasing the child is not pleasant, it is accompanied by a range of emotions - grief, sadness, grief, resentment ... But if a parent really loves his child - it will pass through these feelings and will be able to enjoy the fact of growing up her child.
I remember the case from my personal experience. I had a complicated relationship with his wife. We rested on the sea, and I practically spent all his time with his three-year daughter. I love my daughter, and strongly attached to her, and besides, I understand now that in this period of my life all the unspent energy partnerships shipped to a daughter. One day I was a little distracted and I noticed that my daughter plays on the beach with a boy her age, they enthusiastically built of sand figures, paying no attention to me. I remember my feelings of jealousy and even abandonment that I experienced watching this scene. And then I thought, what am I doing? After all, my feelings are selfish. My daughter grows up, it will take into adulthood, and there it will need to build relationships with these boys, and not stay with me. What is it then for that love, if I think of myself?
To part with their children is not easy. I know this firsthand, and not because of clever books. The child goes not when physically grows, it becomes an adult. It leaves every hour, every minute, every second of his life.
It is important to remember is not to keep the baby, and as fully as possible to live these moments of presence with him. Recently, I acutely felt and experienced the above, already dealing with his 9-year-old daughter. In the minds of a number of touching moments emerged from her childhood. I looked at her, and the pain and anguish knew she grows up, that has never be the same, exciting feeling enveloped me, and my eyes filled with tears. I cried that she grows up and goes further in his adult life, where I will be less and less space. But at the same time I understand that I have no right to keep it, to pass your way to interfere.
There is a separate category of mothers - a wife-mother. These women are picked up and shared or intercepted the men-children (through competition and struggle with their mothers) and continue to coddle them as their mothers did before. Its Mamsko position and contribute to the kind of relationship they have not realized. As a rule, when they call the psychologist, that want that something to do with their husband, so he stopped to drink, play, walk ... Often questions sound ridiculous, "We (the wife and mother of her husband) want you to come to our home and persuaded him to be like therapy. " In this case, the treatment must first wives-mothers.
What is the future mother and the child in a sacrificial setting?
Do not hold the baby, you do not give him a chance to grow. It is, of course, will grow physically but psychologically remain small child - infantile, dependent, unable to select and take responsibility for their choices, irresponsible
One of the most dysfunctional variant of this scenario is quite often observed me option symbiosis - the mother-pensioner and adult son, an alcoholic - social and psychological disabilities living and drinking at the expense
Those who chooses only the identity of the mother of the victim, who closes all the rest of the way, brings his life in sacrifice. In fact - this is the way with no choice, in this case the victim does not need another (in this case a child), and the man himself. I sunk into the consciousness of the words spoken by Margaret Barth, one of the workshops on family constellations placed me as an epigraph: "If the mother wants to wait for the grandchildren, she must leave the path your child»
Mother devoting herself to motherhood and renounce other identities, frantically clinging to his grown children, it is actually trying to save myself this is the only meaning of his life, which is equivalent to the loss of her physical death. Having a child social disability, a mother finds the meaning of life.
As for the children living in a relationship with the victim's mother, then as they grow older they only intensified the feeling of guilt towards his mother, they live with an eye on it, to the past. Standing on their path of life mom prevents build partnerships, to go their own way (professional, personal, social), they always chuvstvuyutprisutstvie mother of the victim (sometimes only "virtual" when it is no longer alive), and this feeling prevents them from living a full life, enjoy it, enjoy every day.
Advice for mothers:
honestly admit to yourself that what you felt a lot of love in fact - are dependent; This awareness is not easy and is associated with strong feelings of frustration, sadness, emptiness, longing;
look inside other abilities, talents, interests, and hobbies. Remember themselves in childhood, adolescence. What, then, fascinated, as dreamed of what they wanted?
develop the identity of the other options - I-Woman,
I am a professional, I-partner, I-wife ... The most positive here is the identity of the I-Woman.
If you really love your child - think about yourself
P.S. Mom, do not make their children's mental disabled! Think of the children and take care of yourself! Happy parents - that may no longer delight children? If this can not be independently do- refer to a psychologist!
Author: Maleychuk Gennady Ivanovich