How important it is to be imperfect

«Shame - is an epidemic in our culture," - said the researcher Bren Brown, studying interpersonal relationships.

She found out that the main problem underlying social interaction is the vulnerability and inability to make their own shortcomings - the only thing that makes us unique.

The first ten years I have worked among social workers and make a career in this field. One day we got a new professor and said: "Remember, everything that can not be measured does not exist." I was very surprised. We are all accustomed to the fact that life - is chaos. And most of the people around me were trying to just love her so, and I always wanted to organize it - take it all the diversity and expanded in a beautiful box. And I decided to look into the most confusing of the topics to understand the essence and show the rest how it works. I chose the relationship between people. Because, after spending ten years caseworker, you begin to understand very well that the people - the purpose and meaning of our lives.

«I hate the vulnerability of the people. I'm going to analyze it, to understand what it is and fix it. For five years I have received thousands of stories and hundreds of interviews to find otgadku ».

You know, sometimes, you come to the head, and he tells you: "That's thirty-seven things that you're just the best, and now there is one more thing that you have room to grow." And all that is in your head - this deficiency. My job looked about the same. When I ask people about love, they talked about the mountain. When asked about the attachment, they talked about the most painful partings. On the question of intimacy I received stories of loss. Very quickly, after six weeks of research, I realized that the reason is a shame. We are all afraid that is not good enough for a relationship - slender enough, rich kind. It is a global sense of not only those people who are not in principle capable of anything.





I wrote a book about his theory, but something was wrong. If we divide all the people I interviewed those who really feels it necessary - but in the end it all comes down to this feeling - and those who are constantly fighting for this feeling between them is revealed only one difference. Some simply believe that they are worthy of it, and others do not. That is what separates us from the love and understanding - is the fear of being misunderstood. Having decided that you need to deal with this in more detail, I began to further study.

I took a nice folder podshila carefully to all the files and wondered what to call all those happy people who are happy with their lives. And the first thing that came to my mind was "sincere." They were sincere people who live with the feeling of being wanted. Simply put, these people have the courage to be imperfect. They were content with everything, because they had the courage to abandon the idea of ​​what they should be.

These people had something else in common. They said that first need to be able to say "I love you" that we must be able to act when there is no guarantee of success, how to sit and wait for a call a doctor after a serious examination. They were willing to invest in a relationship that may not emerge, in fact - is considered a prerequisite. It turned out that the vulnerability is not weakness. This emotional risk, insecurity, unpredictability, and it fills our lives with energy every day. Exploring this topic for several years, I came to the conclusion that the ability to not hide their shortcomings and to be honest - this is the most accurate tool to measure our courage.





I returned to the study and looked, what decisions are made by sincere people happy and what they do with their disabilities. I posted a question on Facebook that makes people feel vulnerable and in an hour and a half received hundreds of responses. Asked her husband to look after you when you're sick, take the initiative in sex, to dismiss an employee, hire an employee, invite on a date to hear the diagnosis from a doctor - all of these situations have been listed. We live in a vulnerable world. When we suppress one of our feelings with them, we suppress others: gratitude, happiness and joy.

«Shame - is an epidemic in our culture,
and to recover from it and find a way back towards each other,
we need to understand how it affects us and that leads us to do ».

Here are a few things that, in my opinion, we should think:

The first - that is what we are doing some of the things uncertain. What we are afraid, the more vulnerable we are, and this is even more terrible to us only. The second - we are constantly trying to improve their lives. But basically we do not do what you need it. And I very much hope that in a hundred years people will look at it and very surprised. The third - we desperately protect their children. Let's talk about how we treat our children. They come into the world programmed to fight. And our task is not to take them up, dress nice and make sure that their ideal life, they played tennis and went to all possible circles. No. We have to look them in the eye and say, "You're such a way you are." If at least one generation of children brought up that way, most of the current problems would simply disappear from the face of the earth.



We pretend that our actions do not affect the people around them. We do this in my personal life and at work. When we take credit when the deal breaks down when oil spills in the sea, we pretend that we have nothing to do with it. But it is not. When such things happen, I want to say to corporations, "Guys, we're not the first day we live. We are accustomed to much. We just want you to stop pretending and said, "Excuse us. We all mend ».

The antidote to shame - this sympathy. When we suffer the most powerful people next to us must have the courage to tell us: "I understand you." If we want to find a way to each other, this road - compassion. And even if you're as close to the ideal, still turns out that when you go to this arena of life, people do not really want to fight with you. They want to look you in the eye and see them sympathy.



See also:
Why do we think we are better than others
Do what you love

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