Emotional swing: when a girl attracts, then repels

Understand the psychology of unpredictable behavior and find a way out of the vicious circle


You've been dating for months. Yesterday she looked at you as if you were the center of her universe, kissed with special tenderness and talked about her weekend plans. Today, her messages have become monosyllabic, her calls ignored and her eyes cold and distant. Familiar? Welcome to the world of emotional swings, a phenomenon that psychologists call one of the most destructive patterns in romantic relationships.

73%
Men have experienced unpredictable partner behavior, according to a study by the American Psychological Association.


This dance of approach and distance is not accidental. Behind it are deep psychological mechanisms, understanding which will help you not only to understand what is happening, but also to make the right decision about the future of your relationship.


Psychology of Contradictory Behavior
Attachment Theory in Action
British psychologist John Bowlby in the 1960s described the different attachment styles formed in childhood. One of them, an anxiety-avoidant, is manifested precisely by such contradictory behavior in adult relationships.




People with this type of attachment both crave intimacy and fear it. They get closer to their partner when they feel safe, but instantly pull away at the slightest hint of deepening the relationship. This is not malice; it is the defense mechanism of the psyche.

Fear of rejection leads to rejection. It is the paradox of human nature that we destroy what we want most.


The main reasons for this behaviour are:

• Low self-esteem She doesn’t believe she’s worthy of love, so she tests your loyalty.
  
• Traumatic experience Past painful breakups have created protective barriers
• Fear of losing independence Intimacy is perceived as a threat to personal freedom.
• Uncertainty in feelings She doesn’t know what she wants from a relationship.
• Manipulative behaviour A conscious attempt to keep you emotionally dependent

️ Red flags: when is the time to sound the alarm
Dangerous Signs of Toxic Relationships
Not all change is the result of internal fears. Sometimes there is a desire to control and manipulate. It is important to distinguish between protective mechanisms and overt toxicity.


If a girl uses hot-cold tactics consciously, you will notice certain patterns. She will drift away when you start to feel confident in the relationship, and come back when she sees that she loses control of you.

Signs of manipulative behavior:

• It disappears after particularly close moments.
• It only comes back when you stop taking the initiative.
• Using other men to make you jealous
• Refusing to discuss your relationship seriously
• Accuses you of obsession when you ask for clarity

Practical strategy of action


The Algorithm of Right Action
The main rule: do not take her behavior personally. It's not your fault, it's not your responsibility, it's her inner work that no one else can do.


Step 1: Direct conversation
Choose a time when it is in the “warm” phase and say honestly: “I notice that you are approaching me and moving away from me. I want to know what you want out of our relationship. ? Don’t blame, just state the facts.

Step 2: Set boundaries
Explain that you are ready to support her, but will not tolerate emotional roller coaster forever. You also have needs and they have a right to satisfaction.


Step 3: Give time, but not indefinitely.
If she recognizes the problem and is willing to work on herself, great. But set a clear time frame. Psychologists recommend giving no more than 3-6 months for drastic changes in behavior.

What to do in the cold period:

• Don't run after her trying to figure out a relationship.
• Take care of yourself - sports, hobbies, friends
• Do not ignore completely, but do not impose.
• Maintain a friendly but neutral tone of communication
• Do not make scenes of jealousy and do not try to cause pity.

Work on yourself: why do you tolerate it?
We attract into our lives exactly the type of relationship that we consider normal on a subconscious level. Sometimes chaos seems more familiar to us than stability.


An honest look at yourself is a key element in solving the problem. Perhaps you are attracted to this inaccessibility? Many men subconsciously choose “difficult” women because stable relationships seem boring.

Questions for self-examination:

• Why am I attracted to such women?
• How do I feel when relationships become predictable?
• Am I confusing passion with unhealthy addiction?
• What was my parents' relationship like?
• What does a “normal” relationship mean to me?

Studies show that people who grew up in families with unstable relationships often reproduce similar patterns in adulthood. This is not a sentence, this is information for thought.


How to build healthy relationships
89%
Successful long-term couples cite emotional stability as key factor in relationship happiness


Healthy relationships are not the absence of conflicts, but the ability to resolve them constructively. It is mutual respect, open communication and a willingness to work on oneself for the common good.

Signs of a healthy relationship:

• Predictability You know what to expect from your partner.
• Openness. You can discuss any topic without fear.
• Mutual support Help each other grow.
• Personal boundaries Respect your partner’s space
• General objectives - moving in the same direction.

Remember, you deserve a relationship that brings joy, not constant stress. If your partner is not ready to change, you always have the right to choose someone who will appreciate your love and reciprocate.


Main conclusion
Emotional swings in relationships are a wake-up call that cannot be ignored. Regardless of the reasons for this behavior, it is your right to receive stability and respect from the relationship. Don’t sacrifice your emotional health for the illusion of love. True love does not require constant proof and does not keep in suspense.


Glossary of terms
Anxiety-avoiding type of attachment A psychological pattern in which a person simultaneously seeks intimacy and avoids it for fear of rejection.

Emotional swing sharp changes in the behavior of the partner from excessive intimacy to cold detachment.

gaslighting A form of psychological influence in which a person is forced to doubt the adequacy of his perception of reality.

Toxic relationships A destructive form of interaction characterized by manipulation, control, and emotional abuse.

Emotional dependency Pathological need for approval and attention of a particular person, often to the detriment of their own interests.

Personal boundaries Psychological and behavioral frameworks that define what a person considers acceptable in relationships with others.