When obsessive maternal care can destroy the personal life of an adult child

No one would argue that the mother is the most important person in a child’s life. And even boys are often more attached to their mothers than their fathers. But mothers are also different, with different views on education. If the educational approach is wrong, mother-son It can turn into a toxic bond.

How to find a middle ground so that the boy grows up prepared for life and independent, and does not become angry at everyone with a neurotic or endless mumble?



The mother of her husband is named Inna Nikolaevna, she is 45 years old, a beautiful and cheerful woman. She loves fashionable haircuts and dresses, takes care of her still slim figure. With the father of Artem divorced long ago, but the new relationship chose to abandon, devoting his life to his only son, says Tatiana.



“My mother-in-law lives in the suburbs, but it feels like she is always there. Every day he calls his son several times, wishes him good morning and good night. We ask you to tell us all the details of our family’s personal life. And Artyom tells me...

“He goes to his mother for the weekend to help with what she can do herself. If Inna Nikolaevna is going to the hairdresser, then he calls Artem, and he is in a hurry to help. Accompanying to the salon, helps to choose a haircut. Then assess whether it worked well.”



“My mother-in-law also skilfully pulls money from Artem. Then she wants to relax away from home, then repairs need to be done, then another dress is not enough. We recently got married, rent an apartment and save for a car, and with this “assistant” we will live from salary to salary all our lives, Tanya said.

“When I draw Artyom’s attention to the strangeness of such a relationship, he becomes fiercely protective of his mother. He says his mother is holy to him and he has to help her. It is his duty because he has dedicated his life to him. That's why she can't say no. Such conversations often end in quarrels.”



“Inna Nikolaevna is sure that only she knows what is best for her son. But in her face I increasingly see not a mother-in-law, not a close relative, but a rival. She hammered into her son’s head that he owed her for life. And he does.

“Yes, she raised her son, she worried about him, she sacrificed something for his good. But all mothers do it, and she didn't do some incredible feat that everyone else doesn't. Therefore, she has no right to manipulate her son so shamelessly and interfere in his personal life, Tatiana said.



When a woman places a child at the center of her world, she is not interested in him becoming courageous and independent. After all, in this case, he himself will make decisions, he will choose his companion in life, he will decide when and how he can help. He will not blindly follow advice, he will not be manipulated.

Indian wisdom says that a child should be received in the house as a guest. Feed, learn, let go. But more often than not, we follow a different path: prohibitions, restrictions and fears. “It is better to ban than to scavenge later,” parents think. Some of them are understandable.



However, harmonious relations between parents and children are possible only when there is trust with each other, when the child is perceived as a separate person. If you shift your fears and psychological problems to him, then it will not be better for him.

To let go into adulthood does not mean to dismiss and ignore. A son is for life. A daughter is for life. But it is better to be a close person who gives freedom than to be the one who makes a child a prisoner.