Where are unhappy and not very adapted to the life of adults?

Seventy six million four hundred three thousand one hundred forty nine

Have you ever wondered where are unhappy and not very adapted to the life of adults? They come from unhappy children. These children don't always beat (or not beat), locked in a dark closet and maybe even threatened not to give the policeman. They were treated less bloody way in which many families did not see anything terrible. I even foresee how some of the moms reading further, you roll your eyes: “All these psychologists have gone mad, after all they are not so.”

We are talking about chronic invalidation of feelings.

This expression belongs to the March Lionel, an expert on borderline personality disorder. Invalidation is depreciation. Devaluing someone's feelings, we say what nonsense, don't make mountains out of molehills. Of course, we have no right to measure the value of other people's feelings, but it is not only about that.

With invalidation, which has a child's psyche, feelings, thoughts, desires, and needs of the child are marked as inadequate. If this practice is a constant in the family, the little man has no chance to grow up without feeling that something is globally wrong.

How exactly that happens. Look at the examples.

— You that such sad sitting? Don't want grandma to stay?
— Yeah.
— I wonder why? This, incidentally, your own person and you should love it. I never seen such a sour face!

— What gift you want for your birthday?
Doll.
— No, well, is this normal? You have about thirty already. What else can you want?

— Why are you with Masha not playing?
— I'm bored.
— Bored! But with Pauline, it means that not boring? Yours even does not know how to greet. So play with Mary or stay at home.

— Mom, I'm scared to go on the control.
— That's nonsense. Boys should not be afraid. Come and don't complain.

I don't want to sit with my sister. She's already got me.
— And I hear from an adult girl? Ashamed to complain about the little ones!

Seemingly ordinary conversations — from those that filled almost every childhood. But let's see what they really are.

First, each child sincere reports about what was happening to him.
Second, it receives in response a direct reference to the inadmissibility of their experiences.
Thirdly, it is informed that he should feel or want.

In other words, authoritative adult transmits to the child that his movements of the soul are inadequate and they can not believe. Moreover, his spiritual life must be fundamentally different, if he wants to stay for parents is good. And this message is so Jesuitical that to challenge it is impossible. The child can die of shame, to bemoan or resent, but to say “leave my feelings alone,” he just will not work. Moreover, he will refuse anything of his, but would not lose the adult.

In fact, now is the time to inform the inexperienced reader that every person has the right to feel, to want, need and dream about what I dream, feel, want and need.
This is the law of healthy functioning.

No bad feelings, no wrong desire, no idiotic fantasies. Each of them is a reflection of our unique nature. Every time we hang onto it the label “stupid,” “shame,” “cancel,” we cut off and throw away a piece of yourself.

Day after day, year after year.
And now the question is — how many of you have left after throw out “nepodhodyaschee”?

One of the most frequent requests to the psychologist — teach me to love. Really, it's hard to love something that is not (and that is all bad, just never got around to throw out). But in the course of therapy, when first granted the right to listening to what miraculously survived, the request begins to sound different. Who am I? What do I want? Is there something in me worthwhile? How to learn to feel? Is it possible for yourself to rely on?

But none of these questions would not arise if children's feelings are not subjected to invalidation. The ability to hear themselves and their trust is built from birth. If it is not to nail a caring parent with a sledgehammer, it's not going anywhere, we will develop and get stronger. Nature wise.

Parents, as always, want the best. Not trusting themselves, they with the same mistrust beating backhand on the child's soul.

A woman suffering from chronic depression remembers how once, during a family dinner, she called the boy, whose call she was waiting for. She fluttered from the table, unable to contain their joy, and heard the father's in the back: “so you should be happy whenever I command you to do something”.

How do you call? Not even “agree to my demands — immediately and unconditionally”, and to soar into the answer of happiness.

She had heard this amazing message more than once or twice. According to her, it seemed to her that the father is trying to infiltrate her brain and reflash. It was unbearable, almost physically. And at some point, closer to puberty, she made unconsciously, but in many ways a defining conclusion: enjoy should not. If your happy trying to manage — so let it simply is no more.

Friends, when we climb to restore order in someone else's soul, we are like the evil Soviet cleaners. Other people's feelings and needs can not touch it. Especially baby. Otherwise, with them you can expand the normal scenario of the future life. We can get angry at things, can ask to behave differently, but the feelings are untouchable.

— You that such sad? Don't want grandma to stay?
— Yeah.
— Oh, you know. She is sometimes in a bad mood, and you get. I say you have the patience, and I'll try to be quick to pick you up.

— What gift you want for your birthday?
Gyrometer and a new phone.
I know you dream about them long ago. And I'm sorry that daddy can't you all just give. Pick one.

— Why are you with Masha not playing?
— I'm bored.
— Who do you like to play? With Pauline? What do you like about it will tell?

— Mom, I'm scared to go on the control.
— What can we do right now to your fear diminished?

I don't want to sit with my sister. She's already got me.
— Believe, kids are obnoxious. But please hang on a little longer. As I finish my article and will come to the rescue.

In these embodiments, the parent questioned the child's right to his personal experiences, though not everywhere is going to meet him. To give the right feel and Flex are completely different things. Our desires are also not fulfilled always, and it doesn't crash. A disaster when you live with a sense of global internal inadequacy.

The way respect for other people's feelings requires maturity. To priniknut easier than to touch what you have now is completely out of place. Ish, doesn't want to stay with eternally dissatisfied grandmother? Peretopchetsya! Hurt little sister? Well, it's small, and nothing to be offended. Afraid to sleep in the dark. This is embarrassing, seven years already. The temptation not only to do what is more convenient for you, but also to kill for reliability — “how can you even feel!” You see, in the next time and senses...

Here is a list of features that are typical of those in the childhood the same “senses”:

A huge difficulty with making decisions, the need to constantly seek advice, ask again, to clarify;
— Lack of understanding, is good for you or bad — especially in the area of relationships;
— Fear to show their feelings, which can hide or mask the eternal positive, or for the denial of the obvious (“no, I'm not angry, you thought,” spoken through gritted teeth and with clenched fists);
— A tendency to passive-aggressive behavior (“he guess that I need”);
Often doubts himself, the suspicions that are arranged abnormally, incorrectly;
The habit to substitute for the immediate accommodation of the emotions, thoughts (“I guess I should now rejoice”);
— A feeling of inner emptiness, difficulties in answering the questions “who am I?” “what am I?”;
— Fear of exposure (“if others see what I really am, I turn away from”);
— The willingness of the submenu (I want to love — looking for sex for one night, dreaming about the children, but easily agree with her boyfriend to “live for myself”);
— Difficulties with planning and goal setting.

However, even if you're past forty and you put a tick next to each item — is not a sentence. Because the feelings can be thawed and assign. This is a normal psychotherapeutic work, in which the psychologist creates an opportunity to get in touch with your inner experiences without shame or threat of punishment. In other words, he, as a good enough parent, returns the feelings of their value, needs the right to be and you yourself.
Fadeeva Oxana (Oxana Fadeeva)