All our ideas, fantasies and dreams that the children were such as we want, doing what we like, and not experienced feelings which we would not like to experienced, are in profound contradiction with the very idea of subjectivity of the child. If all our dreams could be realized, the child would cease to be human, subjective, independent person. Because man is the one who is wrong, who doesn't know who violates the rules, the one who decides what to do and not doing what he has invented.
Nothing new in this idea: parents have always wanted something from the kids, and the kids are always kicking, and wanted something else.
In contrast to past experience, it sometimes happens that we start to listen to the child, give him freedom, stop trying to break it,and here's the other extreme.To subjectivity took place, she needs something to push off.
How do you know that you can be independent, if you never had experience of will? If there are always a bunch of loving people who try to anticipate your needs? Parents have to balance on this fine line.
And then suddenly to understand that you can give the child freedom and, suddenly, you don't have a dominant role in relation to it. You're with him initially equal. If all your childhood you were not given the right to vote, you and the child will be timid.And say, "please, Oh Please, don't do that!" — that child is usually not affected.
Relationships between child and adult is the relationship of dominant and co-dependent.
The baby is not equal to an adult, it becomes subjectivity. He can't evaluate the consequences, can not responsible, he is dependent on us.
So when we begin to communicate from a position not dominant, and the weak adult, it is also no good usually does not end.
What is particularly important is do not lock the child alone with his emotions. Jealous younger sister, but to beat his sister with a cube on the head — it is impossible. If we deny emotions, the child will remain trapped by negative one-on-one. Do you come to me to lock a child in a closet with a monster? Unlikely. Our job as parents, recognizing emotions, help him to live the situation.
As the baby grows, changing the degree of disorder: it's one thing when you have a tower of cubes is broken, another when put three, and it is quite different from this situation, when your girlfriend left you.When we allow him to feel what he feels, not to muffle emotions, the child is exempt from them.
If dark November morning the child does not want to get up and go to kindergarten, we got angry, and I can admit that it is really frustrating and ourselves to get up and go somewhere is also not desirable. Accordingly, we can help him to somehow brighten up the situation.
We buy special, most favorite sort of coffee, a warm fluffy robe, which is not cold to sit in the kitchen, put the cheerful music. We do not stand next to him with a whip and yelling at himself: "Well-ka quickly stood up! And stop whining!".
And try to motivate yourself.The same thing works with children, believe me.The main question you should at this point ask yourself is not "How do I get it?", and "How can I help him?".
Generally, of course, there are people who are here this support in childhood did not receive, and only heard: "snap out of it! Got up and went!". This is good, you need to go to a psychologist, but adults usually under-loved boys and girls with such problems will enter immediately to a cardiologist or gastroenterologist with a heart attack and ulcer, respectively.The Americans have an expression — "eat the frog". It means to do something unpleasant and get rid of it.
And you know what? The most important skill that our adult life is the ability to "eat the frog". It happens that you do not want something to do, somewhere to go, but we have learned that frog 'eat', not destroyed. And there are people who are in the process of eating suffer. Tube — end of the world, they all hate. Something went wrong — the frustration, the anger.
It is not a good way to live. A grown man should be able to "swallow frogs". Frog you can quickly swallow and forget, and you can arrange long history.
Anyway, we never act only by the whip.There are frogs that we "eat" for a fee. A classic example is the work
. You don't always want to go there, but as you know that you are there waiting for the salary, you the frog "eat". But if, say, you suddenly cease to pay the salary — the motivation will drop sharply.One of the easiest ways to learn to "swallow the frog" is to develop the habit.
We all know that when you do something long enough, the brain produced a steady connection, you becomes uncomfortable, if you don't. Suppose you used to take a shower before bed and do it every day, and then suddenly find yourself in a place where there is no hot water... And you feel uncomfortable, you can't sleep. Not because you are dirty and it's just what you're used to.
When a track proceptivity and habit, much greater costs for us becomes to break it.And it turns out that for us it is easier to do than not to do. That is why it is so important to teach a child to "eat the frog"!"
Author: Lyudmila Petranovskaya
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©