There is only one accurate recipe for education – no need to hit children on the head

Can the mother to injure the child that goes to work? Why the reluctance to play with three year old daughter – is this normal? What if the child does not want to learn and how to teach him to "swallow a frog"?

Family psychologist Lyudmila Petranovskaya answers questions from parents.

Mom and the work

Question: Child 2.5 years and he always cries when mom leaves. Is this normal? Is there any way to soften?

Answer: a Child of two and a half years and should be unhappy that mom is leaving, that's fine. Any child up to 3-4 years old wants mom's always been there. He has a right to be upset. There's nothing wrong, because you then outasite it when it comes. You can start to prepare him for this breakup in advance, little by little. But it is important that this dose was it feasible. For example, if mum is going away for a month on a business trip is for the two year old will already be too much.


Question: I am a working mom, son 4 years, I went to work when he was two. Son wants to I spent with him all my free time. And when? Weekday work, weekend have to clean up and go to the store. Is there a way to increase the quality of time I spend with the child?

Answer: This is a problem for all working mothers and work to do, and baby you need. Here we have not so much time to improve, how to help your child understand and experience his feelings about the fact that you're leaving. It is necessary to regret him for what he does. Give him some of your things that he was able to walk in your Bathrobe, for example. Leave him some get lucky fortunes or quotes, notes, bring gifts. All this will facilitate for him the parting.


Question: Could it be that I traumatize my child that I work with?

Answer: Well, of course, we are harming children every day. The fact that we go to work, that don't allow cartoons and so on. We're constantly travelwise, it's not the end of the world. Children, while growing up, all the time injured. The question is that it was microtrauma. If you do not lose contact with the child anything terrible. He could survive and gradually to adapt.


Brothers and sisters

Question: I Have two children, son, daughter three. I'm home alone almost 24 hours a day. Daughter all the time asking me to go with her play. That is, it is from morning to evening adheres literally to the leg and waiting when I was released. It turns out that I have it all the time myself and I have dinner to cook, and a son to feed. How to be?

Answer: This situation is familiar to many, it is associated with urbanization, which resulted in the mothers with children were trapped at home. Never in my life a young mother with a child or two left alone. The rich had servants, the poor to have a big family. And now we have a child on the streets do not produce. Families are small – mom and dad's at work. And it turns out a hell of a situation – the child is bored, he wants to play with you because no one else. And my mother can't afford to play, no time for her. In addition, she is also wildly boring. For a grown woman unnatural to play games to three year olds. You need to think about how to find her other kids. Well, for one, agree with friends that your children will take turns to come to play in one family, then another.


Question: I Have two sons, 3 years and 8 years. Little bully all the time and provokes older. How should parents react – to intervene or let them fight it out ?

Answer: If you start to interfere, then you will understand their relationship until adulthood. If this is not in your plans, it is best to avoid the role of the arbitrator. Feel sorry for the victim and all.


Grandparents and other relatives

Question: my Grandmother often said my three year old daughter nasty things: "You're so ugly when you cry" or "What do you hair" or "Your brother better because he eats well". How grandmother can hurt the child such statements?

Answer: the Dependence of children from grandparents less than from parents. If grandma is a monster and a child with her badly – then Yes, it is not necessary to leave the child with that grandmother. If grandma "kosyachit" small things and happy child, nothing to worry about.


Question: Daughter is 11 years old, she is surrounded by many relatives. I began to notice that she tries to guess what emotion was expected of her. Even if she doesn't like something she said to the grandmother: "Oh, how nice, I always wanted to try that". It turns out that its true, I recently almost can not see. It is possible so to write or not?

Answer: unfortunately, it is now quite common. When families are built on empathy, sympathy, empathic sensitive children fall into the trap because they don't want to upset adults. But they feel that their real feelings and emotions as it is prohibited. Well, if they can communicate with their peers and there are more healthy communication. If and with peers is also not a healthy relationship, I would have thought about some of the camps with a psychological component – role-playing games to learn to understand their feelings. She needs help from the outside.


Adolescents and lack of motivation

Question: Son is 14 years old, he studies in 9th grade. It is a complete rejection of school – not interested, do not want, truancy and so on. He was not interested in anything other than a computer and walks with friends. He can't even say what he will do after the 9th grade. How to be?

Answer: 14? No way. 9 not you and the child. We need to decide where to go next? Necessary. Ask him this question. The question asked – parental duty fulfilled. Let him think he still has time. The more you think you are up for it, the less will think it. Tell him: "Honey, you're 14, as you decide, so we'll do that." Later for him to resolve these issues.


Question: My oldest daughter is 13 years old. She did not want to do anything, no lessons, nothing. Any motivation she had no.

Answer: Well, who at the age of 13 wants to do homework? The child has a right not to want to. Honest conversation begins when we recognize a child's right. Not wanting to do homework, not wanting to go to boring school – this is normal. Do not try to motivate it all. Necessary to join him to say – I understand how you don't want to. And then we can help the child learn "swallow the frog". How to help? For example, tell us how you deal with things that don't want to do. Or give something nice to sweeten the pill.


Question: My teenage daughter as if nothing. Here we were going to go somewhere, I say, "Go on, take lessons and go on." It takes five hours, nothing has been done. Daughter calmly says: "Well, don't go on." Even the threat to take away the phone is, "Well OK, fine, take it".

Answer: a Waiver of all claims and desires is the most extreme form of protest for the child. This often suggests that the child feels too under control, too much is expected of him. And then you just need to step back, to say: "This is your life, you live it how you want, if you scream".


Question: Child 12 years of age. It seems that now only interested in computer games. What to do – to limit, restrict or remove entirely?

Answer: the question, as it seems to me that whether it communicates with peers in real life or not. Does he have buddies in the yard? If he plays football? If not, I would have thought to add to his life a living communion. Think of a situation where he will have the opportunity to play with peers. To the village to take away, for example. He realized that in life something happens that you can just play football. To expand his vision.


Question: Child only wants to lie on the couch with the phone. And that's all. How to print it from this vegetable state?

Answer: this is the refusal to live by your rules. When you active one, you are the source of all motivations, desires, and decisions. The more you jump around him, the more he shuts down. Leave him, let him know that you're not going there to pick out. You know, I am often asked how to survive the adolescence of the child. Now, I have three tips for parents – sex, work, alcohol (laughter). Take care of yourself, your business.


Question: But you understand, we are afraid that the child will be a lifetime on the couch.

Answer: I understand your fear. But the more you fear, the more they lie. This is the mechanism of codependency. When a person feels that someone is living his life and too worried about him, he starts to defend its subjectivity. Well, if active, when he says, "fuck you!" And when the resistance forces there, he starts to defend himself passively. The hinging and closing.


Also interesting: How to conduct a critical conversation with the child

How to protect teenagers from bad influences


Question: If we leave the kid alone, let's not pester him with unpleasant, will not happen so that it will increase people who will not be able to deal with difficulties? In what situations it is necessary to insist, to overcome, and where you can relax and say forget it?

Answer: In life there is always something that needs to be overcome – to walk to the house when tired, go out when it's cold, wait for mom from work. That is, greenhouse conditions still will not work. So it is strange to create them artificially. Life consists of difficulties is not going anywhere. If he is able to overcome – back it up. If not – leave me alone.published


P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©



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