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What to do if a child against a loved one
Conflicts between a loved one and children especially hurt a woman.How to behave a mother if her child and new husband can not find a common language, explains the psychologist.
Many people are familiar with the expression “Relationship is work”, but for some reason it is most often associated with the relationship between a man and a woman. And, for example, a strong and friendly relationship between a stepfather and a child requires no less effort.
In order to choose the right strategy of behavior, mother first of all needs to assess the “scale of the disaster”. How serious is the conflict. Is it global in nature, when the child and stepfather did not agree at all characters, or is it a normal everyday situation?
© Lisa VisserGlobal conflict: causes and solutions
It often happens that the relationship between the stepfather and the child from the very beginning do not go well. There may be several reasons for this, depending on each of them and appropriate measures should be taken.
• The child is jealous
This is a common and fairly common reason. The baby’s life changes, the mother no longer belongs only to him, and the need to share his mother’s attention with someone else (someone else’s uncle!) causes violent protest.
What do I do? Try not to drastically change the child’s living conditions. If he is used to walking on weekends or playing games with you every night, leave these same traditions in your new family life. This will allow the baby to get used to faster, and at the same time give him a sense of stability - the mother is the same, all classes with her remained unchanged.
Actively include the stepfather in your communication with the child, arrange joint games, but be sure to leave time when you and the baby will be only two. Don’t forget to tell him how much you love him.
• The child hoped that Dad would come back.
That happens too. Despite the final divorce and determined parents, the children to the last hope that everything will improve. And then there is some uncle who spoils everything and ruins all hopes. How not to riot?
What do I do? Be honest with your child and don’t give them false hopes. Often, protecting children from unnecessary experiences, parents give only part of the information, and the rest remains behind the scenes. “Dad will just live separately”, “Dad left”, “We quarreled, and so Dad went to his grandmother” – such phrases leave a lot of room for children’s imagination.
Say it like it is. It is not necessary to go into all the dramatic details, but to voice how things really are, it is necessary: “We love you very much, but we are divorced and will not live together anymore”, “Dad moved to another apartment and will now live separately, you will visit him or he will come to visit, but we will not live together.” Be honest with the baby! If he understands what is going on, it will be easier for him to get used to changing conditions.
• Stepfather has high expectations
Sometimes it’s not about the child at all. In fact, it is fair to say that The responsibility for building relationships with children lies with adults. This means that with due effort, the mother and stepfather will be able to find a common language with the baby.
Sometimes the stepfather is very actively involved in the upbringing of the karapuz, sincerely wanting to replace his father. In his good intentions, he sometimes goes too far. And he expects reciprocity from the child, and if he does not immediately receive it, he begins to be disappointed in him.
What do I do? First, again, to face the truth. Your new husband does not have to replace the father’s child, especially if the baby continues to communicate with the father. This should be well understood by all participants in the process.
The main task is to create a comfortable relationship between the stepfather and the child. They can become very close and warm, really like a father and son, but if it turns out otherwise, it’s okay!
It is important that they find a common language. So options like "He scolds him like a father," especially at the start of a relationship, are unlikely to work. Make an agreement with your husband that you will solve all the acute moments together, let him consult with you on how to do better, because you know your child much better!
Help your husband and child come up with interesting joint activities: Maybe the stepfather will teach his son or daughter to take pictures or ride a bike – let them have their time together. So the stepfather will feel his own importance (he teaches the child!), and the baby will understand that he is loved. If they are interested in each other, all acute situations will proceed more gently.
You need to understand that men and women have different functions, so the child should be brought up both.
Simple domestic conflict
If you see that in general, the relationship between the husband and the child develops well, but from time to time they make some claims to each other, You can safely stay out of it. Observe, let them negotiate for themselves. If the fact is that the baby did not remove the scattered toys or the stepfather forgot to buy the promised chocolate, then most likely they will be able to find a solution to these problems themselves.
When should I turn on?If the degree of conflict grows, and for a trivial reason everyone loses his temper, the husband breaks down to a cry, and the child is ready to pour tears, it is time for your participation. Perhaps one of them is tired, irritated or just out of spirit, so they can not agree. Help them find a compromise solution or offer to take a pause and calm down, and only then with a cool head to return to the discussion of the problem. published
Author Veronika Vitalievna Kazantseva, psychologist
8 Mistakes My Dad's Wife Made
Forgiveness lessons
P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness – together we change the world!
Source: letidor.ru/psihologiya/a456-rebenok-protiv-lyubimogo-muzhchiny-chto-delat-mame-11706.shtml
Many people are familiar with the expression “Relationship is work”, but for some reason it is most often associated with the relationship between a man and a woman. And, for example, a strong and friendly relationship between a stepfather and a child requires no less effort.
In order to choose the right strategy of behavior, mother first of all needs to assess the “scale of the disaster”. How serious is the conflict. Is it global in nature, when the child and stepfather did not agree at all characters, or is it a normal everyday situation?
© Lisa VisserGlobal conflict: causes and solutions
It often happens that the relationship between the stepfather and the child from the very beginning do not go well. There may be several reasons for this, depending on each of them and appropriate measures should be taken.
• The child is jealous
This is a common and fairly common reason. The baby’s life changes, the mother no longer belongs only to him, and the need to share his mother’s attention with someone else (someone else’s uncle!) causes violent protest.
What do I do? Try not to drastically change the child’s living conditions. If he is used to walking on weekends or playing games with you every night, leave these same traditions in your new family life. This will allow the baby to get used to faster, and at the same time give him a sense of stability - the mother is the same, all classes with her remained unchanged.
Actively include the stepfather in your communication with the child, arrange joint games, but be sure to leave time when you and the baby will be only two. Don’t forget to tell him how much you love him.
• The child hoped that Dad would come back.
That happens too. Despite the final divorce and determined parents, the children to the last hope that everything will improve. And then there is some uncle who spoils everything and ruins all hopes. How not to riot?
What do I do? Be honest with your child and don’t give them false hopes. Often, protecting children from unnecessary experiences, parents give only part of the information, and the rest remains behind the scenes. “Dad will just live separately”, “Dad left”, “We quarreled, and so Dad went to his grandmother” – such phrases leave a lot of room for children’s imagination.
Say it like it is. It is not necessary to go into all the dramatic details, but to voice how things really are, it is necessary: “We love you very much, but we are divorced and will not live together anymore”, “Dad moved to another apartment and will now live separately, you will visit him or he will come to visit, but we will not live together.” Be honest with the baby! If he understands what is going on, it will be easier for him to get used to changing conditions.
• Stepfather has high expectations
Sometimes it’s not about the child at all. In fact, it is fair to say that The responsibility for building relationships with children lies with adults. This means that with due effort, the mother and stepfather will be able to find a common language with the baby.
Sometimes the stepfather is very actively involved in the upbringing of the karapuz, sincerely wanting to replace his father. In his good intentions, he sometimes goes too far. And he expects reciprocity from the child, and if he does not immediately receive it, he begins to be disappointed in him.
What do I do? First, again, to face the truth. Your new husband does not have to replace the father’s child, especially if the baby continues to communicate with the father. This should be well understood by all participants in the process.
The main task is to create a comfortable relationship between the stepfather and the child. They can become very close and warm, really like a father and son, but if it turns out otherwise, it’s okay!
It is important that they find a common language. So options like "He scolds him like a father," especially at the start of a relationship, are unlikely to work. Make an agreement with your husband that you will solve all the acute moments together, let him consult with you on how to do better, because you know your child much better!
Help your husband and child come up with interesting joint activities: Maybe the stepfather will teach his son or daughter to take pictures or ride a bike – let them have their time together. So the stepfather will feel his own importance (he teaches the child!), and the baby will understand that he is loved. If they are interested in each other, all acute situations will proceed more gently.
You need to understand that men and women have different functions, so the child should be brought up both.
- Mother's function Acceptance, she loves the child by any means.
- The male function is different: Men give boundaries, framework and discipline. Let the child and stepfather learn to communicate and find a common language together.
Simple domestic conflict
If you see that in general, the relationship between the husband and the child develops well, but from time to time they make some claims to each other, You can safely stay out of it. Observe, let them negotiate for themselves. If the fact is that the baby did not remove the scattered toys or the stepfather forgot to buy the promised chocolate, then most likely they will be able to find a solution to these problems themselves.
When should I turn on?If the degree of conflict grows, and for a trivial reason everyone loses his temper, the husband breaks down to a cry, and the child is ready to pour tears, it is time for your participation. Perhaps one of them is tired, irritated or just out of spirit, so they can not agree. Help them find a compromise solution or offer to take a pause and calm down, and only then with a cool head to return to the discussion of the problem. published
Author Veronika Vitalievna Kazantseva, psychologist
8 Mistakes My Dad's Wife Made
Forgiveness lessons
P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness – together we change the world!
Source: letidor.ru/psihologiya/a456-rebenok-protiv-lyubimogo-muzhchiny-chto-delat-mame-11706.shtml
