Inventory incoming shots strokes
Daily, in the evening, count how many times you "stroked" and how "stuck" (negative stroking). Be subjective. If the partner is causing you negative feelings, then it deals you a "prick", if positive feelings "stroking". Then think about how it would be possible to avoid "shots" and gather up "strokes". You have all successfully if the ratio between the strokes and injections is 7:1.
For a more precise orientation as the user offer you an extract from the book by I. Stewart and V. Joins "a New introduction to transactional analysis" with some additions.
Stroking is the emotional content of the transaction.
We are so familiar with this that don't even think about it. We need the strokes themselves give them out. Strokes can be classified as follows:
Verbal (verbal) and NONVERBAL (nodding, shaking hands, Pat)
POSITIVE (praise, encouragement) and NEGATIVE (criticism, prick)
DIRECT and INDIRECT
EXPLICIT and implicit
Verbal and non-VERBAL strokes
Verbal stroking is the most frequent in our practice: from shouting "Hello!" to a long conversation. To non-verbal strokes can be attributed to the waving hand, nodding, patting each other etc.
POSITIVE stroking is stroking, in which the recipient is experiencing positive emotions. NEGATIVE stroking (the shot) is tested as negative emotion or pain.
"Hello, glad to see you! And I, too!" An example of the exchange of positive strokes.
"Beautiful day!— Was while you're not there!" An example of how the first partner gives positive stroking, and receives from the second negative. But keep in mind that a negative stroke is better than none. That's why some go into society, although I know that there are over they will be fun and even fun. And some of them creating trouble to overcome. Some even choose such a profession: climbers, climber. You can enjoy life. But the family can't live without scandals.
DIRECT and INDIRECT strokes
Direct stroking due to the fact that you are, what you represent, what you mean to me. Indirect because you do.
A POSITIVE STRAIGHT — Good to have you here! I love you! etc.
INDIRECT POSITIVE - You did a good job! You have beautiful hair!
NEGATIVE STRAIGHT — I hate you!
INDIRECT NEGATIVE - you HAVE smelly socks!
And direct and indirect strokes carry some information.
Direct stroking positive means accepting me as a person, indirect positive stroking means acceptance of my behavior. Direct stroking of the negative means rejection of me as a person, the indirect negative stroking means a rejection of my behavior.
"I love you, but I don't like what you're drinking." If I want to continue the relationship with the person who gave me at once a direct positive stroking, I should just stop drinking.
"I hate you, although yesterday you did a courageous act, saving a drowning man". Here I got a direct negative stroking (injection) and indirect positive. It is clear that even though I did something good, yet with this man I should end the relationship.
EXPLICIT and implicit stroking
While we kept talking about explicit strokes. But there's still stroking hidden. They can be positive and negative, direct and indirect. Unfortunately, people are unable to grasp. And they often play a crucial role in the development of relations between people.
"Is it so difficult to understand that such things should not be done!" These words are often hear in the address children, students and subordinates. Explicit indirect negative stroking to determine would not be in labor, if it was not hidden direct negative stroking, the content of which with simple analysis can be deciphered as "you're such a fool!" After all, the only fool is hard to understand such simple things!
The trouble is that he who inflicts such stroking, and the one who sees and don't realize it. But only the one who received it, develop aversion to the one who had sent him, and he no longer sees indirect, which consisted of the information about the mistake that he made. Naturally, the behavior is not corrected. And if the relationship continues, gradually between the partners develops a sense of mild dislike, which can turn into deep hatred. And all this will go in a "vicious circle".
Often not recognized and hidden direct positive stroking. The guy was so passionate about his girlfriend, he did not notice that her new dress. She did not receive the expected explicit indirect strokes about the quality of her dress and rebuked him for it. He honestly told her that all the time looked at her and did not pay attention that her new dress. But in fact, it was a latent direct positive stroking, the content of which is not in doubt: "I love you!"
The distribution and reception of stroking
Some people used to give strokes that initially seem positive, but in the end contain a sting:
"I see you understand more or less".
"Lovely jacket, although not firm".
There are people who freely give out positive strokes, although make them disingenuous. This flattery. Some call them synthetic. A man will notice you and will smother you in hugs. Broke into a smile, he will say: "Mikhail Yefimovich! When you come in, the whole world is transformed.
I immediately begin to feel uplifted. How great you have highlighted in his book "Psychological vampirism" of the many types of vampires. This is a true textbook of life, encyclopedia of communication. You can throw all the psychology books that have been written or will be written." Don't be surprised if such people make you stuff.
There is the other extreme. Some people don't quite know how to give stroking. But we should learn to accept stroking. Here a matter of taste. One more like straight stroking, the other indirect. Some are not able to transfer negative strokes. One can get the pleasure of hugging him, the other confused.
Each person has their own RATIO STROKING. Some prefer one stroking, the other — the other. In this regard, everyone has a FILTER IN the STROKES. One thing I miss stroking, and the other is not. Some people are not able to miss the positive strokes and decide to live only on the negative and ignore compliments.
— What are your beautiful nails!
— If you only knew what anguish I feel when they are treated.
Not just to say thank you.
Claude Steiner believes that we are taught in childhood to saving strokes, accustomed to following rules
DON'T LET THE PATS WHEN THEY HAVE TO GIVE;
DON'T ASK FOR STROKES WHEN YOU NEED THEM;
DON'T ACCEPT STROKES IF YOU NEED THEM;
DON'T REJECT STROKES WHEN YOU DON'T NEED THEM;
DON'T STROKE HIMSELF.
Steiner writes that by teaching these rules, parents ensure that "... the situation in which strokes are available in limited quantities, goes into a situation where they become insufficient". And parents become the monopolist of the strokes. As a result, we live all the time in the deficit on the strokes.
And when we grow up, we voluntarily gives up the right to pats chiefs, trendsetters, professionals, authorities that we are being manipulated. In pursuit of strokes (and in fact can not live without them; in fact, we either try to avoid injections, or hunt for strokes) we cease to live for themselves and begin to work for others to earn stroking, often synthetic.
I want to point you to one source of strokes, if you are happy even those who receive in the rituals. When you invited to your birthday guests, they get a lot of strokes, for the most part synthetic, that is false.
Get at least one superstition, for example the old superstition: don'T stroke HIMSELF.
It is especially necessary to do creative individuals. Because they DO, i.e. create something new that no one ever evaluates positively. After all, we know 3 stages to implement ingenious discoveries and inventions:
IT CAN'T BE, BECAUSE THERE CAN NEVER BE, THIS IS SOMETHING THERE, JUST AS IT SHOULD BE.
Unfortunately, many geniuses do not live to see when they start handing out positive strokes. That's why on stage it CAN'T BE, BECAUSE it CAN NEVER BE the only source of positive strokes for the discoverer can be himself!
Genius! Feel free to Pat yourself yourself if you want to live up to you stroking other.
And if you for your brilliant creation booed, take it like intense direct and indirect positive stroking.
Steiner believes that to recreate our awareness, spontaneity and the ability to communicate on the level of intimacy necessary to reject the "basics of education" that was imposed on us parents for the exchange of strokes. On the contrary, we can realize the fact that the pats! are available in unlimited quantities. We can give them in unlimited quantities. No number to give, they will never run out. When we need the strokes, we are free to ask about it, and we can freely make the stroking, when we have it to offer. If we don't like the suggested stroking, we can freely reject it. And most importantly, we can freely get pleasure from the fact that ironed themselves.
In addition, it frees us from the pursuit of the strokes that we all need.
If all the above did not convince you, listen to Alexander Pushkin, the great poet and equally great sage.
Poet! not cherish the love of the people.
Enthusiastic praise will minutes the noise;
Hear the court fool and the laughter of the crowd cold,
But you stay firm, morose and calm.
You are the king: live alone. Your way is free
Go, where attracts you free mind,
Perfecting the fruits of favourite thoughts,
Requiring no rewards for noble deed.
They are within yourself. You have a Supreme court;
All stricter assess you and your work.
If you're happy with it, exacting artist?
Happy? So let the crowd scolding him
And spits on the altar where your fire burns
In the children's playfulness shake your tripod.
And if you are not convinced then don't read my articles and books, and don't come to me for training and advice. I have nothing to give you.
But those who continue to read, listen to this about another myth of the strokes, and should be removed. He says: "Stroking that you need to ask, are worth nothing".
In fact, the case: STROKING THAT YOU GET ASKING ABOUT THEM, ARE EXACTLY the SAME as the ONES YOU RECEIVED WITHOUT a REQUEST.
Maybe they are even more valuable. Why might it be? Definitely valuable! After all, you ask for exactly what you need now, and spontaneous stroking you could not arrange. Because you will ask for water only when thirsty. And to offer the drink you can and when you do not want this. Because the source of inexhaustible strokes.
If you want to have someone hug or kiss, ask him about it. Maybe he's glad to do it, but is in the thrall of superstition "don't give strokes when they have to give." Do not worry. On, as you embraced, you can easily distinguish sincere stroking pacifiers. Will cease to rely on this person and find someone else. "Ask and you will give," said Jesus Christ.
Now remember how many strokes you received today and any. Make the appropriate profile. And how many did you give out strokes and how? What was the result? If you received a lot of negative strokes, let's see how many negative strokes you gave yourself. If you are sincere, you will find that themselves and you are an angel. Only those you give out, add, and those who would like to distribute, but decided not to. Learn to give positive strokes.
Write five positive strokes you would like to have, but which usually don't ask. In the next week ask at least one person to give you those pats. If you get it, thank the giver. If you do not get, ask for information, explaining the denial.
The exercise is considered complete once you have ASKED stroking no matter if you got it. When you asked about all the strokes, stroke yourself for this exercise.
Get yourself a "BANK STROKES". Write down all the strokes that you have received from others. When it becomes sick, contact the BANK and you will see that it's not so bad. Of course, over time, the recorded strokes may have faded. So you need to replenish them with new ones.
The teachers of the child should remember that he is in need of positive and negative strokes. On one positive not brought up. If I person just praised, so I don't take it as a whole. The ratio of positive and negative strokes must be equal to 7:1. If you are the boss, remember not only the bad, but good.
The pats have their QUALITY and INTENSITY.
A positive assessment of my work from the highly skilled professional and just joined the beginner have for me is worth to you. Admiration for my work my supervisor, very strict and exacting, will mean more to me than the admiration of man, first visited my lecture.
Many people spend all their life in the pursuit of strokes, suffering the inconvenience and wasted considerable resources, and most importantly, they are harmful, or at least useless. You want examples? Please! Any party, event, follow fashion, entertaining events, birthdays, banquets.
Here is another source of positive strokes. Consider the criticism in your address your enemies as praise, and you will not feel the deficit in positive strokes. I personally criticize only one who is able to correctly respond to criticism. Ultimately criticism is encouragement.
David Hawkins: quantum leaps in human consciousnessHow to recognize that you are too much give Inventory outgoing shots and strokes
It be very difficult, since we often do not notice when we put a shot, but feel great when get. Moreover, sometimes we think we give people the stroking, but actually put the injection. So to start, review how you got the shots and how many strokes.
On the psychological law, which resembles the second law of mechanics Newton, according to which the force of action is equal and opposite reaction, how much you gave the massage and got so much.
Learn how to give themselves strokes. In response will get the same. Stop trying to make "shots", especially hidden, and no one will "stab". And if you want to get more "strokes", try the "stroke" of others. Want to avoid the "pricks", don't give yourself.published
Author: Michael Litvak