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How to avoid unrequited love
© Robert Doisneau
Can true love go unanswered?
The hero of Kuprin, who said "love is always a tragedy," was surprised would be such an issue. Russian classics of the 19th century and even early 20th, a very respected unrequited love, and love is reciprocal saw utilitarianism (which, conversely, are not respected).
By the mid-twentieth tastes have changed. Love story almost entirely moved into the tabloid genre of "women's literature" with the obligatory happy ending. True love was to be mutual, otherwise it is not love, but deception of the mind, an illusion. Love was considered something of a "chemistry" — the mighty instinct that finds, attracts and binds the two halves forever, as to resist the chemical reactions impossible. Schopenhauer, knowing how much frosting appeared on his gloomy idea of the call of kind, would be puzzled. Like Berdyaev and Soloviev, diskutirovat with Schopenhauer.
The belief that true love is wise, good, she will choose the right people and provide the Union, childish and infantile as all looks at first glance nice, but upon closer examination turns out to be just selfishness.
The infantile mind has only two points of view on the world: "the world is kind and will give everything I want" and "the world is evil, nothing, it is necessary to take away." Some people think that to move from the first view to the second means to grow up. But no. If Infante got older, he'd understand that the world don't owe him anything to give just like that, he would realize that this is a good and fair idea that helps people become stronger and grow (what could be nicer?). Really infantile this idea seems evil, he seems evil everything that does not serve his welfare in the most primitive and passive sense, so he decides himself to become evil, not grown up at all.
There are three levels of perception of the idea of love:
- infantile
- politely
- Mature
The level of maturation is characterized by the fact that a person begins to awaken some understanding that he is not the center of the world and the world does not obey him (and not feuding with him) that he and the world are equal, separate and must somehow interact with the consideration of mutual interests. A man tries to clearly separate lines of responsibility and starts to say something like "love is dependent on both, and if I did not love, nothing can be done". From infantile position is characterized in that Infante thought that someone should love him and give him love, and now the man already understands that he has the right to love-not love, and have the right to love-to love both subjects and have their will, have their own interests, and only if these interests and will of both sides coincide, we can talk about reciprocity. That is politely people towards love is position is not demanding, but still very passive, since the rigid boundaries lead him nowhere to go, nothing to offer, just wait for the sea weather, hope that will any person will choose it.
What's different about it is the position of a Mature person?
Let us trace the changes which separate the infantile personality from polozili. Infante sees itself and the world as a whole, borders between him and world no. Do not confuse it, please, with the Samadhi and the like enlightened States that involve full maturation of subjectivity and then, in the next level of development loss of rough boundaries and the awareness of oneness with the world as a subject. These are completely different things, you can say the opposite. The similarities between the two is smaller than between impressionism and inept daubs, and only at a glance do not understand this people looks like. Infante has all the parts of the personality, and therefore believes that the world is part of it, as the parasite has no stomach or legs and enjoys the body of another animal.
But the fate of the adult parasite is sad, because it always want to get rid of and he has to take a lot of grief. Any infant has the potential to become embittered when they realize that the world does not want to serve him. But if part of his personality will have time to form (in the process of the activity in which he is forced to do) it can grow to the point where it becomes clear that it is separately and others separately. Interact from independent regime it has not yet learned, and this regime has mastered little, but at least it becomes obvious that he has, there are other, and just use other people, they are against, and expect them to not need anything, they have their own business, they themselves, while they are not having mutual communication, that is communication initiated from both sides. Here is a great realization, but not abstract, not at the level of generalities, and on specific situations in which a person begins to take responsibility for their needs and provide for ourselves, not considering it the duty of the other, and marks the entry into maturity.
To become Mature in the full sense of the word, personality is not enough just to be aware of their subjectivity and to feel respect for someone else's subjectivity, it's just the personality circuit, which is very difficult to maintain if it is not established with the server exchange if the person does not find a way to give the world something that the world will pay her all that she needs. A person who has already acquired the sovereignty, but that can get everything she needs, or suffers, or again begins to practice the infantile merger. For example, after starving a while in boredom and loneliness, waiting, when someone did it choose such a person may think: what's the point that I am self-sufficient, if I live bad, better try someone to cling as before. Respect for boundaries makes sense only when one has established a lot of connections and gets everything he needs. That's why try to have good boundaries, having no internal resources, a vain idea.
But back to the idea of love.
While polozila a person already had a border, but is in a passive waiting for a happy coincidence, a Mature person is actively forging links with various spheres of life, including other people, and she does it. If a person and there is love, then out of nowhere, and not suddenly, but with someone from those with whom she had established a connection. And of course, this love will be mutual. But why — of course?
In comments with which I began this post, she writes that, in her opinion, genuine love always meets reciprocity. But what if the same sincere girl loved a few people? Each it must respond with love?
I love itself unnecessary and uninteresting to us, you can't turn it into necessary and interesting. This can only happen in very hungry for love of a man who is suffering from cold and loneliness and be glad that at least someone came to their senses. If we imagine a person who has a lot of nutritional relationships, loved ones, associates, just sees the world a lot of pretty and open to cooperation of people, we have to admit that in one way or another love he receives from different sides, and feels quite relevant. Suppose he would not mind to have a loving relationship and even to start a family, but it is clear that he is looking for someone with whom there field of mutual interests. Not love for him will determine the selection of such a person, and a mutual feeling.
It seems that a mutual feeling, or the result of pure chance, or consent one to answer someone else's love. Many can't imagine how technically to guarantee mutual love and avoid mistakes.
Actually in the real field of interaction is possible only mutual love. Unrequited love is always born in a field of illusions. The illusions people resorted to only in one case: when in the real field they do not have enough energy and they take in a field of illusions in debt. Illusion is a Bank loan(!) at high interest rates. This energy for Nothing at the expense of the feelings of some hypothetical theoretical things so emotionally and vividly, and with such a buzz, as if it were already a reality. With live emotions, the brain perceives the illusion as reality and based on this creates the neural ensembles that provide one-way communication with a person one-sided immersion in a field of relations, and that same situation when she takes it very, and he – no.
How it looks in practice?
Just imagine two girls who were asked out by an interesting young man, the same, or different, whatever. Both young people were friendly, each watched with keen interest, talked about some wonderful things, asked questions, and established with every girl link. Assume that each of the girls is vacant at the moment and would like to have an affair to have fun the Christmas holidays, and indeed, this niche in their life is empty and it would be nice to take her.
Immediately say, that a significant vacant niche – it is a power hog. The niche needs to be either filled or not be of value because of its emptiness. That is the place that this niche could take in life, whether it is filled, should take other things. For example, evening activities, which she could spend with her boyfriend, she spends with her friends and is very happy. She never misses and never comes up with imaginary guys, do not remember the former, not looking at the couple with tears in their eyes, she's spending fun time with girlfriends or friends or doing something else. That is the niche with one hand empty and on the other side no holes there, its place is something else. So if we conditionally believe that a girl has internal resources and the other not, then the first will not suffer from loneliness, and the second – Yes.
Because of this difference, having been on a date with a great guy that is not only interesting, but interested, and one girl just interested in a second... start to dream. Why not begin to dream first? For the simple reason that her life and so many interesting and it is where to get pleasant emotions. You can imagine that her life is filled to capacity, the most fashionable dresses, and hang new, more fashionable dress, she agreed, but you have to give someone something from the old one. But also all the old favorites and also very her go, and they are relatively very old, some she wore once and would like to wear again. So if she does take something out of your life, from your wardrobe, for a very beautiful comfortable dress, not for a new dress of the king – the empty space, and illusions. She was not interested to sit at home tonight and think about the new acquaintance, imagining how he was there and that, not interested in discussing with a friend of his for three hours, interesting to look at the phone waiting for his call and rehearse the dialogue. All of this gives her far less power than a real interesting case, which it has many. She doesn't mind again to see him, but it is against to submit it for hours and dream about it, because she's got stuff more pleasant.
When women say they have a favorite work, friends, Hobbies and a lot of different things, but He came and nothing was the matter, they overestimate their business. None of the old cases does not withstand competition with dreams about Him. Please note, not with Him, it would be understandable, and dreams about Him. No, he didn't call, didn't say anything, will not called, and the woman is ready to postpone all the "favorite" and "interesting" things to represent it in the imagination and dream of how they might enjoy. She is ready to throw out of the wardrobe all your favorite dresses, freeing up space for those who have not bought and not the fact that you buy. Isn't it so you can only do with unnecessary and boring dresses, but not with your loved ones?
Because of this simple mechanism, the first lady has no risk to fall in love unrequited, and the second has an almost 100% probability. Be the first to push back from your life the things only if a new friend is to offer her a viable alternative. She agrees on a date, but if he is talking only about themselves and not enough to pay attention to her, she'll get bored and remember what interesting place could instead be. She agrees to the affair, but if this novel will not be so romantic, would bring her a little positive emotions, again can run away from him to where it better. She has a lot of places where it is good, that's it, so it will not be lured into empty promises, hints, she would not endure and to hope, because it is where we are right now to the joy. Only the hungry who have no other resources, the girl may be involved in an unequal, unhappy relationships, because it needs at least the hope of happiness, if happiness in life.
Therefore, unrequited love happens to those whose life is filled with meaning. But unrequited love is likely to find the person, whose life is a gaping void.published
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©
Source: evo-lutio.livejournal.com/53380.html
