Your children are not Your children

Fifty three million seven hundred sixty six thousand five hundred eighty seven

Leaf Of Khalil Gibran.

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you.
And though they are with you, they do not belong to you.

To abandon the idea that our children – our... What is the point behind this? Estranged from them, not trying to educate? It seems that Gibran had something else in mind…

You can give them your love but not your thoughts,
Because they have their own thoughts.
You can give the shelter their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow where you cannot come
Even in their dreams…
Because life is not going backwards and does not stay in yesterday…

As it is not very nice to read about what I am – yesterday, when viewed from the perspective of Life for themselves and their children. Anxiety – because life really isn't late in the day, and the eternal, the living desire of the children to leave. To go in the future, and I will ever come the time to learn to live again without them. That time will come soon, but now I feel a little sad inside. Safer and easier to decide that children are still MINE, and so I have the power (illusory, of course) to manage their life and to ensure that they will always be there.

I appeal to your, yet not very rich experience of seven years and father of four daughters. Think about them and realize that they never will match my expectations. They always somewhere to blurt out something "wrong." That their obedience has its limits, and they constantly violate these limits and will break. And well, as a completely obedient child is destroyed individuality and crushed the desire to experience new horizons, and repulsed the ability to defend its nascent "I»…

I realize that daughter stare at me in the mirror and I reflect to them what they are, how to treat myself. How would they know – they are good or not, the beautiful Princess or the frog? Only these two mirrors, moms and dads. And when the younger, offended pouting at dad's reprimand, said through tears "not such a good girl to hurt!"I can't stay mad. She gave me back my reflection, which saw me and my mom. She may be cranky, sulking, being stubborn at the most inopportune moment. And to me it is important to allow yourself to be not the perfect parent – then I am "wrong" behavior of his daughter taken as a proof of his own incompetence as a parent, because "perfect parent" children are also perfect. Very hard often the children of teachers or psychologists. Because in this case children become showcase "of achievements of pedagogical and psychological science," and their failure to meet the expectations of – shame to a greater degree than the "normal" parents, because, "you're a teacher" or "you're the psychologist!". But if the child heard something very harsh and unpleasant, and his steady "I," he's no – where he'd run to look, to check what you "saw" in another's mental mirror? Towards parents. And can see in the parent reflection even more terrible monster. Then – despair. And inner confidence that you deserve. Such a monster, only bad attitude and deserves.

What is more important – the contact with the child or his compliance with certain standards? Remember the words of one very smart girl fifth-grader: "Mom, you always ask me about grades, but never asked about what I learned today". Assessment of knowledge of a child one crooked mirror – often in the minds turns into a personality assessment. The pressure is strongest. I appeal to the daughters: "what you learned today?"and in response to already often hear: "I have got two fives!"(at music school). Find that many educators strive to make children the real stars, of course knowing that I want both the parents and the children themselves. And my position is "I don't care know my daughter's outstanding success in music or not," met with lack of understanding. As well as the idea that the daughter is studying music because she likes it, and if it is suddenly and decisively rise up against her to make it, I will not.

The child needs to achieve success, success is the basis for pride. This is based on the idea of "early development" on the vanity of the parents. Following E. Murashova, I wondered: "If you are in two years will begin to teach your child to read and in five years complete this process, it is clear that you did it at the expense of energy for the formation of some other functions and skills... two year old child can be taught to read at three years, six for three months. Two-year skill of independent reading for anything, six-year-old next year will go to school...". I find myself that can be difficult to follow the ancient wisdom: "everything has its time, and a time to every purpose under heaven." And don't rush.

Growing up children is a constant run them forward. Many children like to run away from parents – so that it was not them seen. "Stay close, stay close!"often is built on this principle and education. But if growing up is breaking away, often already I have to catch up with the children. Namely, to adapt to the fact that they are again other. And now the daughter wants to walk alone, and you suddenly "Wake up" — and she has grown up... And letting go is scary... In the relation of parents to children, there are two opposing trends. One – we are constantly ahead of ourselves, and shown to kids requirements, which they still can't match. I have to remind myself: "she's only seven years... It's a four year old girl and you want her to behave like a big sister". To remind myself that his older sister was just a child and don't need to turn to the second mom to the younger. What a colorful yard she wants to play and have fun, not to oversee that sister something is not done. Yes, the contrast always seems older adult and all knowing. But she's only ... years. Strange looks and an angry mother about sandbox rebukes an excited five year old daughter because she does not follow two-year-old brother. And it seems that the mother expects the five-year period should behave "responsibly" and to understand that she's "older and Mature!".

Second, the opposite tendency – to forget that children grow up. Not to accept them growing up, with affection and longing, remembering a time when they were "pups" and depended entirely on the mother, and was obedient – not that the current walking disaster, Malaysia mom's nerves... It's an idealized picture, but in the pursuit of elusive childhood, it is possible to have another baby. That was... growing children, figuratively speaking, wearing shirts that they've grown two years ago, but parents would flatly refuse to see. I remember one mother, who communicated with his five year old son as a two year. Despite the fact that the Pope has behaved quite adequately his age... Or a pacifier from a four-year Hoosier.

Parents and children develop together. Parent – from deities to ordinary elderly man whose children grew up and flew away from the nest. Which comes back to the time of its dawn, when the children fly for a while – along with her grandchildren, and then you can cheat a little time – in fact, here they are, copy your children! And it is also a little self – deception- grandchildren are not children. And will not be exactly the same as they were... Not in the same river twice enter.

You can by all means to prevent the departure of children, to interfere with independent flight of birds. And Vice versa, to shove them out of the nest before they grow up and their wings get stronger. And you can work TOGETHER to grow up. And then the kids leave, but will return as we love to go back to where we liked it. And they will continue to look to the us, even adults, still look reflected that, long ago, saw us. We are all children until our parents are alive. And I want to see in our parents is a reflection, to be sure – "not such a good hurt". It is a pity that it is not always possible.

You – bows from which your children, like living arrows sent forth…
The shooter sees the signs on the path of infinite, and He bends you with His might that his arrows could fly quickly and far.
Let your hand give Arrow for the sake of happiness.
For just as He loves the arrow that flies, He loves the bow that motionless.  published 

Author: Ilya Latypov

P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©



See also

New and interesting