If the mother is at zero

What is burnout syndrome?

The syndrome of burnout has been diagnosed and reported in America in the last century. There were organized social services, where very carefully selected people. Future social workers have passed the selection test, they are specially prepared and trained, they were all vysokomanevrennyh for such work.

However, somewhere in the second year of this service started the complaints from those who helped, rudeness, rudeness, indifference... Although the staff were all the same ones that worked at first. And then it began to explore this phenomenon, which later became known as "burnout Syndrome".

Traditionally, the term is used about people in the helping professions, the so-called "helpers" — social workers, doctors, nurses, teachers. That is, those who are in a dependent relationship with the weaker, more vulnerable person. With those weaker than him who are bad. Not necessarily weaker in the physical sense of the word. It may be a family in crisis, seriously ill relatives, or a special child and his family...

That is why people who are not very good, and who seek help.


The helper is the man who has relations with a kind of helplessness, that people can not cope with the fact that they bad anxious sad etc. And he plays the role of someone who knows who should remain calm, do not lose vivacity of spirit, optimism. Creates prolonged stress communication, which begins to undermine the nervous system, the psyche.

Syndrome EV parents

If the professional helper this syndrome is somehow understandable, work with him, profilaktirujut it — the helper is a supervisor of the support group, they can change the mode of operation, in relation to the parents is a phenomenon as it is not accepted to discuss. We have a socially frowned upon parental helplessness. And if the mother, for example, is in the first or second stage of EV, she soon hears: "come on, cheer up!" (Yes, syndrome EV can be not necessarily just the mother, is exposed to it and fathers and grandmothers and grandfathers). Though actually, if time parent is not to get out of this state, it will suffer the whole family.

The stage of the syndrome EV

In the development of the syndrome of EV release stage, which obey a certain logic.

The first stage – stanichnaya, the stage of incubation, when a person is tired, he's still a bit heavy, but he manages. Cope by sense of duty, takes himself in hand, due to the fact that he understands that other people even worse than him, due to the fact that is his work, he himself wanted. Appeals to the conscience, sense of duty, responsibility. A person is going, pulls herself together and cope. It can last long enough in this stage a person wants more rest – take a day off to go on vacation. If he has, then it helps, then again he is full of energy and was back to work in a normal condition. That is Stanichno stage in General, stay working, stay helps. This once prosperous state.

The second stage - ustanicka. But nobody is insured from additional stress. Such overload may overlap something else. For example, a person may be sick with the flu. Then the body is weakened, requires recovery. And against this background, the return of the last burden is already too much. Easily there is a stressful situation. Stage of aging, the changes to the stage of evidenziare, "can't".

The third stage is the hardest, this is when it starts personal deformity.

You have to understand that EV doesn't happen at once. It's not the flu, when in the morning picked up a virus, the evening had the fever. This condition builds up gradually. And we must understand that to get out of it quickly fail.

Who is more at risk EV

Parents who have children with an age difference less than 5 years. It is almost always the phase voltage because two kids constantly want something from my mother, constantly demanding her attention, inclusion, presence.

Parents are often ill child. It can be quite a standard cold, but if the family lives in the "week in kindergarten, two in hospital", it also depletes.

Of course, the parents seriously ill children, children with special needs. But such families need and the individual support and attention.

Mom, who used to come to work or work at home, live in so-called multitasking mode. But multitasking mode – that drains the psyche. Although the woman is more able to simultaneously solve several problems, but everything has its limits. Each specific task may not be complex, but when there are too many, it's exhausting.

What to do? To reduce multitasking. If you need at home to work, to entrust the child to someone. If finished work, turn off the telephone, mail, not to think about work. Despite the margin, which is by nature, do not test yourself! Always leave hurt. It will happen the stress, time trouble to force this to cope.

Single-parent families, when the whole burden of parenting falls on one adult.

Families who are forced to live in harsh living conditions (overcrowding, need to constantly in the winter to heat the house, carry water, etc.), difficulties with money etc. Conflict the family when the family is not the rear, and second front and adults have to constantly make an effort to smooth out the conflicts or to overcome.

Adults who have experienced trauma development. If the parent was not psychologically happy childhood. If there is your childhood trauma attachment. Any of the attachment injury can be a risk factor and development of EV. If the child was a girl, and crying to him did not fit, then in adulthood such a person may give an inappropriate response to crying. The baby's crying is for him intolerable sound, he will be annoyed again and again. If the child during the crisis 3 years responded with aggression, in adulthood he will then agressirovat on your child. This pattern of sustainable behaviour. The result — guilt, self-doubt, as in a good parent.

The presence "the third superfluous". We are much more tolerant of children when we are with them ourselves at home. We are nervous, when they're bad people.

Perfectionism — high standards, high requirements on the image of the ideal parent. The complex grades. The baby should always be clean, handsome, well-fed, healthy, smart, educated. If not, the mother starts to experience anxiety. Perfectionism – a direct path to burnout.


Snowball small problems...

When stress is too much, they are like a snowball. And each of them is nothing of itself may not be... Every man for himself – normal everyday events. But when they are many and long, and support is not enough, they turn into some shaft problems. So from the outside and think that everything is live, which she suddenly aches?

But in fact it is stanicna stage – when the child is not happy, not ease, pleasure from communication with the child, no ideas how to distract kapriznaya child. Annoying any deviation from the plan. Here You are going somewhere, the child is already dressed, this time something happened. For example, the child poured the compote trifle like, and the mother yells at him or even spank.

On Stanichno stage, the body goes to saving mode. There will fit this metaphor — if You are full of energy, You have a good mood, plans, You go dancing walk on the street. If You an obstacle – a stone pit, You can easily jump over, go around and not even pay attention. People in Stanichno condition is a tired man, he goes with cargo bags, he rubbed my feet. Any obstacle in this state exasperated. The need to make the effort to jump over or go around – is exhausting. Stanicna stage – saving mode, everything must be done a minimum of effort.

Without guilt

When a person notices my irritability, included wine. Starts self-flagellation: "I'm a bad mother" "I cannot cope", irritation, aggression on yourself and on others, anger, aggression... the Wine further adds to the exhaustion. The incident when You yelled at the child, for example, has passed, and feelings go, self-reported falls. And this is reflected on the child and on the relationship with him and with the household. The child feels insecure parents starts to worry, starts to behave worse, capricious, agressirovat. A vicious circle. Tired parent breaks the child, the child in response issues a behavioral unapproved things, the parent even more frustrated... a snowball.

Ustanicka stage

And so it continues. If at this stage, when stanchest already at the limit, do not add the resource, there is a risk to go to asteriou stage.

Ustanicka stage – nervous exhaustion, neurasthenia, "can't", "no more strength". In this state, any task is new or requires the inclusion of additional tasks – a feeling of despair.

If Stanichno stage usually starts with irritation, austenitnoi is tears, apathy, as, when the hands simply fall. There are thoughts "And damn it all!" Much worse health, immunity falls, it's easy to get sick. Deteriorating physical condition, everything is difficult, nothing is not happy, the child is not happy, no emotion, no pleasure from communication with the child.

One of the most unpleasant consequences – a problem with sleep. On austenitnoi stage, the person falls like a dead man does not remember how disconnected or may be a long time to fall asleep, to the evening, his nervous system is "whipped", it all rides in my head the events of the day, some talk. All the time I want to sleep and when time to sleep, then sleep fails. A heavy sleep. Working people call it the "syndrome of the Manager" – riding all the time in my head these thoughts. This is especially common in parents with many children. Or when one of the kids is sick, need to treat, led by physicians, to rehabilitate.

One of these signs of asthenia is paradoxical curve of fatigue. In the normal state of man rises in the morning awake, refreshed, all day doing something, by evening, he wants to sleep, he lies down and falls asleep. For nervous exhaustion in the morning, a person thinks that he hasn't slept, he's overtired, it's hard for him, with great difficulty, gets up, barely moves on to some activity. And in the evening comes the excitement and it seems like it's evening, you can go to sleep, and sleep is impossible. And, on the one hand, painfully want to sleep, and in the evening when the child fell asleep, mom sits at the computer, go to the Internet again gets agitated and can't sleep. This condition in itself is all the more worsens the situation.

The amount of sleep is the main parameter that provides personal security.

By nature moms are more tolerant of lack of sleep, but everything has its limits. If you regularly sleep for 5-6 hours, then after some time comes nervous exhaustion. When austenitnoi stage where the problems start with the food – I forget to eat, catch yourself on what was not eaten the whole day, someone compensates for lack of sleep lots of food. Drawn to sweet, fatty, throw something in the furnace, when no forces.

Usually, when children are small or the same age, suffers greatly libido. Does not want sex at all, any erotic component in contact with my husband, annoying. The woman it seems that this is redundant. For wear, when the body is exhausted, one of the first functions, which is turned on is the libido. As if the body sends a signal: "there is Nothing to multiply, so his feet barely carry!"

If fatigue is gone, the woman can not cope with their feelings, it is not enough for the child, on the economy, if not to touch her, she will sit and watch at one point or crying if suddenly there is a need to do something...

One of the signs EV is anhedonia. Man wants nothing, nothing he was not pleased. Everything that once brought pleasure now either annoying, or not cause of the former emotion.

Stage of deformation

Quite an extreme stage EV – stage deformation. That just happens with doctors, teachers. This state, when the mind can no longer, asthenia, painful to experience and over time, the psyche includes the defence of "It's not you bad, is they are all freaks."

Parents begin to think that the baby is a parasite, hatred of the child begins communicating with him for the controlling, degrading, aggressive. In fact, when these stories and complaints about children listen to adults, understand that we are talking about people so emotionally burned out that they begin to have a deformation of the personality, and children for them is a hindrance.

What to do. if You find yourself syndrome EV?

Much better to stay on Stanichno stage and try to get the resource. If started ustanicka stage – it is necessary to take action.

If You see evidence EV have a loved one, it is sometimes more cost effective to give a resource to him: to feed, put to bed, tea in bed to bring, to Pat, to give him the opportunity to feel taken care of.

If you see signs of EV, you should:

— To accept his imperfection, the more affectionate and heat treat yourself.
— It is important to dump the ballast. All unnecessary, redundant tasks, unnecessary things, chores. Care of yourself first. How can you not remember the rules of the airlines? "First the oxygen mask to yourself, then to the child." Because burnt-out, exhausted mother will not be able to cope with parental responsibilities.

Definitely a full 7-8 hour sleep to recover. Need to come up with any ways to have this dream to provide. People should sleep at least 2-3 times a week. Normal and regular eating, walking. If there are signs of EV to get to a neurologist and drink support the nervous system. Here is a good b vitamins, magnesium. It is necessary to maintain the nervous system, including in this way.

If you know about his childhood traumas, you have to be willing to seek help from a psychologist. That's better right to schedule such support.

Ask the relatives of any assistance – financial, to walk with the children, took them for the weekend. It is important to take care of yourself! Because Your taking care of yourself is an investment in Your child.

Often a person asks for help, and everyone thinks that he and everything is fine. It seems to have a lot of relatives, but they must specifically ask to be helped. We must not be ashamed to ask to take a walk, help around the house, asking to borrow money etc. do Not hesitate to ask for help. Nothing is more important to restore the parent resource in the education of the child no.

No material possessions – toys, clothes, delicious food do not compensate for the child a happy and loving mother.

Use to improve the condition of any resource that helps. Everything that improves physical and/or emotional state. Hiking, hobby, bath, massage. Not suitable is there any chemical stimulants, tea, coffee, alcohol. If You can not do without coffee or tea, it is necessary to change something in your schedule, not the "bugger" of the CNS.

Be careful with the alcohol! If one time You drank wine is one thing. Alcohol is a depressant, it nourishes the Central nervous system, and gives more pressure. Regular remedy is not appropriate, and risks were high.

Usually in the consultations people ask the question "how to deal with burnout?". The key word here "fight". The fight involves violence. And the exhausted man to all violence even if this violence against themselves, even more exhausted.

If You are tired, if the child is annoying, you should just be nice, admit that You're tired. Consider yourself warmly and affectionately. If you fight, tell yourself not to get irritated – is the order of the psyche "freeze" feeling. To cut off the part that's tired. Nothing good will come of it. This is not an issue that should be solved with an effort of will. If Your irritation will be less, and the child calms down, it will become easier.


If one parent...

The main problem of single-parent families is not something that the child will not see the correct model family and not know about the social roles of both parents. In the end, it is not in vacuum live. Full family, he sees the relatives and friends.

The main problem of the family, where one parent is a huge burden on a single adult. When he has, roughly speaking, the back is not covered. Where's the exit? And exit where the entrance. Output – to seek help and to create a social network around his family, have contacts with their relatives, have friends, support groups. It is important to create a certain peace due to the fact that all around You there will be some number of people-helpers. Something happened – it is important to have such people that will help.

If the mother feels guilt that spending time and money on yourself

Mothers often feel guilty that the money or time spent on yourself, not the child. The more guilt mom, the more uncomfortable the child is feeling. Guilt affects those who have grown deformed parents. Those who's parents drove the belief that he is, he says, "ungrateful bastard"...

To treat the fault as a necessary tool. It's such a thermometer. It suggests that parental behavior is something wrong. When You see a high temperature, it is a sign that we need to do something – to take medications, go to bed.

To spend money on themselves and suffer from feelings of guilt – it's also linked with sense of self necinnosti. It is important to understand that for a child nothing is more important than a happy parent. No toys and books will not replace the child a happy parent.

All that gives the parent a sense of joy, confidence – everything is done for a child. If You have spent time and money on yourself – so you spent it is ultimately on the child. This is a much more important investment.


How to explain to relatives that you're sick and you feel bad?

There are still important awareness of the importance of themselves and their condition. It's for the baby example.

Children much unconsciously read and remember. If we treat ourselves with disdain, and the child is given the same example. This dubious gift for a child to give him a strategy of neglect.

On the contrary, it is important that children see that we are attentive to their needs, nurturing yourself.

Joy and pleasure should be part of life. It should be a natural part of life. Why else would a family where everyone is each other's blame and accuse? A good family – where people try to feel sorry for, to support, to take care of.

It is not difficult. Hug, say, "Yes, I imagine you're tired, let's relax!". And normally if it is natural as air and it does not need to beg. published

Author: Irina Nikolaeva (outline of the webinar by Ludmila Petranovskoj)


P. S. And remember, only by changing their consumption — together we change the world! ©

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Source: soznatelno.ru/razvitie/esli-mama-na-nule-12527.html


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