In one of the articles we have already talked about why you cannot pay the children the money, but does this mean that children do not need to instill the value of money?
Every parent is familiar with the situation, when you're shopping and your child stops in front of the doll, transformer or chocolates and starts to beg , "Buy! Buy! Buy!"Your actions?
1) Buy it without delay;
2) Explain why it is impossible;
3) Walk past the Windows and will not respond to the requests of the child, despite his reaction.
If you choose option # 2,
and then your child calms down, understanding the logic of your actions, then you can close this article and do something more useful.If you chose option # 1 or # 3,
we need to understand why you choose these strategies and why, in my opinion, they are not productive.
For this you need to understand why the second option is productive
The fact is that if you managed to explain to the child
that now, for example, that no money
or if you buy this doll now, you then have to save for Breakfast, and it is not possible or the money you save for a vacation or dad for winter tires, what is more important, otherwise you will not be able to carry a child in school, then it means that the child is privy to the financial state of the family and bears part of the responsibility not only for himself but for his family. Such a child understands that if he bought that chocolate bar, then he can not get something more important to him.
Many parents believe that it is not necessary to dedicate the child in "adult" Affairs
, and that he himself should understand the word "no" and point! Unfortunately, by itself, the child never owe anything to anyone, as strange as it may sound! In his article "the Happy child: 3 simple rules for parents" I've already talked about how to make your interests become the interests of the child and the opposite – you were wondering what motivates a child and while he is not interested, it is useless to explain what he needs to do and what not.If we agreed to instill the value of money is required, then you need to answer two questions: why is it necessary and how to do it?First, let's answer the question "why":
Certainly not only in order to make it comfortable to walk with your child to the shops without fear that he'll do something you ask.Are you familiar with the situation type — the "buy, Buy and that's it!"
in adults? It may not necessarily go about shopping, but about the action must make a person for the other. A sort of universal consumers – people who constantly need something, not thinking about others and about the consequences. Surely such friends have each. For the sake of experiment, ask them how often do their parents have failed them in some way to refuse, or all appeared at the first request? Most likely, you will hear the second response.
So why you, dear parents, to instill the value of money to their children?
In order to make them feel responsible for themselves and their families and understand the causal link between act and consequence.
Now you may be wondering, "But still, why would a child explain why I can't or don't want to buy something? My child knows when I say no, means no!"
Of course, you don't have to be accountable to your child for each rouble spent and provide monthly report on the family expenditure certified by a notary. You just have to explain to him why you say "no" in a given situation, it's not explaining anything and just saying "no", it is possible to grow just an obedient slave, afraid of the authority of adults, and not understanding the person bearing the responsibility.Remember – behavior set by their parents affects all of a child's life!
Now that the question "why"
we figured, let's move on to the next question — how to make your child appreciate your money?
Even if you try your foldable to explain to an inexperienced child, not necessarily that he knowingly nod and say, "Yes, dad, you're right, winter tires are now more important than some chocolate."
To intimidate the child too will not work — "If we buy you this toy, we will have nothing to eat, and we'll all starve!".Don't confuse intimidation with explanations of it are completely different things.On this subject there is a good anecdote!
Dad with a young son about five years old I went to the supermarket for groceries. On one of the shelves he saw a large chocolate bar in a shiny wrapper and began to ask dad to Buy! Buy! "No, I can't buy it," dad said.The son began to scream and stomp their feet, you bought it! Buy I said!Father was inexorable, and took his son's hand and began dragging him to the checkout. But the son too was not a miss – broke away from the Pope, fell to the floor, began to cry loudly and scream "I Hate you! Buy! Buy! Buy!".Around dad son started to build up the crowd, all looked accusingly at his father, saying that he let the son and is unable to calm him down. Suddenly, a desperate and distraught dad man: "Hello, I'm a psychologist, I can reassure your boy if you want." Father looked at the man with hope and gave his permission. The psychologist walked up to the boy and said something in his ear. He immediately calmed down, took dad by the hand and led her to the cashier to pay for purchases. Before leaving the store daddy went to a psychologist, to thank-Thank you! Without you I couldn't have done it! And what did you say?"I said that if he did not stop to behave this way, then I nibbled on his ear!Our boy from a joke, though, and scared of the evil uncle-the man-eater, but the conclusions need not have done, and next time he'll whine and stomp their feet in front of the coveted chocolate.
If you conduct a poll among parents than they like to scare their children so they are calmed down, I think the most popular answer is the police.
"Here, they say, come now mister policeman, you will see how you behave and taking you with me!"The first time might work
, and then the child will understand that the man the police never comes and not only cease to be afraid of but, for one, still disappointed in the whole system of justice.Then what to do?The fact that the value of the parent's money is just the tip of the iceberg.
This does not happen that the child respects what his parents earn the money with sweat and blood, but at home they are on his premises and at the click of your fingers their child out of the stump, as in the Soviet cartoon "the Magic ring" – What the Owner Want?
Child appreciate the money their parents, value their work, and then share them with this responsibility! That is, that the child appreciated the money, he should be able to share with parents part of a family responsibility! Responsibility, in turn, for parents it's mysterious, if not magical.
Digress a little and consider this example from the practice for the best explanation of this mysterious word.
During consultations, the parents of academically unsuccessful students often tell me that they don't understand why their child is not learning, it is, according to them, his only duty.
My question is, what do they mean, almost always I hear an answer here:
"We have protected him, if only he studied! We are not asking you to do his household chores – washing floors, dishes, go to the store for groceries. We understand that it takes a lot of time, and he needs to learn!".The point is just that the lessons your child can not do because you are all shielded.
This happens exactly because he does not feel that notorious shared responsibility and, therefore, for themselves and for their actions, not respond, so as he himself was, whatever he did — anyway it all!
So, "magic," I called responsibility
because the parents think that she might in one place, and in another it is nothing to do, that is, the child, in their opinion, will feel responsible for their studies, thus can be completely irresponsible in his other manifestations. Unfortunately, real life isn't like that, but not all parents understand this.
A perfect example of the consequences of such parenting is represented in the tale "Vovka in a far away land". The main character of the cartoon was in a book of fairytales, where were trying to beat the system – "job received". Of course, in the end, the wolf that fails, he adopts the "rules of the game". But, as I have repeatedly said, life is not a fairy tale, and a child too late to understand the simple truth – "What you sow, so shall you reap".
It's all sounds, of course, simple and even corny, but if You are faced with the task to teach your child responsibility, how to implement this in practice?We divide the whole process into three stages:Step No. 1 to schedule.
Yes, Yes! It should start with the scheduling. At first glance it is not obvious, but the child themselves may not even think about it, who in the house is responsible for what – where are the products, necessities, why the house is clean, warm and light.
Gather the family Council, take a piece of paper and sign all family duties. You can split them into two categories, where the first General that all family members can do at a time, for example, washing dishes, shopping, etc., the second — the duties assigned to each person.
For a child it may be, asamisimasa age or your challenges, for example, to clean up toys or do their homework. For dad or mum it should be not only daily trek to work, and such duties as Laundry, install a shelf, etc. Attach the resulting joint work on the fridge and every night, mark in the chart what is done and what is not.
This will be good, not just a mark on a piece of paper with a tick work done, and to decorate items in three different colors, where for example, green is fine, yellow is so - so, red is done poorly or not done. It is important that everyone decorates their only graphs with the responsibilities and does not evaluate others. Every third day once again gather a family meeting and discuss schedule – what's done is done, all do their jobs.A schedule gives the child the opportunity to visualize not only their responsibility and the extent of its performance
, but also provides an opportunity to assess how parents work family benefits on an equal basis with him. Therefore, such a schedule helps not only the child but the parents wisely allocate their responsibilities and not try to catch him.
From experience, when I for one reason or another, ask parents to make such a schedule if they agree, then the next meeting they say something that, well, we tried, but sorely lacking time, we would have to eat in time, and the squares to paint!
It's sad to hear, because parents want results, but doing is not enough. Amazing – show paint, not enough time, and to increase the child's voice due to the fact that he thinks only of himself and not doing his duties, the sec will always be!You need to remember one important rule – if you are interested in having your child you valued, and the child is interested in it to be not required!Step 2 to Minimize the control.The word "control" to parents no less magical than a liability
. The fact that many parents see only two extremes – either to control everything from cleaning the room and made the lessons before going to the toilet, or even to let it go. Minimize does not mean not to control, but only to make the productive control and not to irritate the child.
Incidentally, the schedule for General Affairs, does not exclude the control, but moves it to a different level. It is important here in the first place that the word control is added the prefix "self", and if the child learns to control the performance of their duties by yourself, then you don't have to do this for him, thus you will be able to control the mere execution of a case on the chart or in the conversation and not follow each step of the child.Why control is important in the conversation about responsibility, and how it related to the value of money?
Remember, we talked about the fact that the child is not enough to explain that he can now take this chocolate? The whole point is that to understand that he can not only because they do not understand that the money comes not from the air, and because more and cannot take responsibility for the decision to refuse the chocolates in exchange for something is not tangible. After all, chocolate is here and now!
And who usually takes his decisions? That's right – the parents!
But just at this minute they are bitter enemies who stood in the way of the chocolate and other landmarks he has no – is not formed, that is, no schema independent decision-making. And the formation of this scheme prevents just excessive control.
Result is great, in my opinion, an example confirming this hypothesis.On a walk in the Playground all parents can be divided into three categories:
On the third category, we'll talk.
- Those who smoke on a bench and not even paying attention to what their child does;
- For those who play with the child or takes a position close when you need it ( not when something happened, and in order to play together or help to make);
- And those who all the time is with the child and does not take a step without control.
Imagine a child who on the Playground climbing the ladder. Compassionate mother supporting the child's ass, so he didn't fall or even forbids him to climb the ladder, they say it's dangerous. A child brought up in such a situation will always be protected from falls in the literal and figurative sense of the word. He does not he will learn to control yourself, as it will support "up the ass". Not only on the stairs, of course, but also in applying to College and even in job search. Here you have the finished product. Analyze your behavior? If to compare it to the situation of example?
The fact that the child needs to make mistakes!
Does not protect him from this sacred right. Of course, when we are not talking about it security! Stick your fingers in the socket – not! Fall booty to the ground – nothing to fear! You warned him!
Parents of a child who already goes to school, interested in the question of the control lessons. We have already addressed this issue in previous articles, but briefly the following — does not make sense to control the child where he is successful or at least afloat. You need to check and measure to control only those things which he learns is bad, that is academic debt.
In this case, you explain to your son or daughter that if they do not do their responsibility, it means that it automatically goes on your shoulders and the child will have to show you made lessons and it will be until, until he will recover to neutral. But this does not mean that you hire a forty-twenty nannies and grandmothers that they had done to him all the lessons and watched his every move.Remember – the essence of a minimize control in checking the final result, not nadziratelno over every step of the child towards the fulfilment of some action!Stage 3 feedback.
Of course, a kind of feedback will serve as your schedule, as we have already said. But still, the schedule is an aid, not a panacea.
Under feedback, I mean not just to tell the child what he did right and wrong, but also what he needs to do in order to get well.
It is important to understand that it's just your advice for him, but not the order. Your child needs to settle clearly in mind, the following scheme - told me how to do it, I can do it, or may not, but if I do as I suggest, you just get better.
Consider an example of this feedback on the following situation:
Your child comes to you and says – Mom, dad, look what I drew!
Most parents look at the picture and not even venturing into the drawn say
"Well done, son" and will switch their attention to something more interesting.
But my son did get "I'm done" and no matter what the drawing is, even if it's just a Doodle and he did them anyhow.
So what? – say parents need to praise children's creativity, and he tried hard.Firstly,
not the fact that tried, and secondly, a child age up to 8 is not particularly divides its actions into sub-groups. If he drew a picture anyhow and you told him "well done", and the lessons it might do anyhow. But then you tell him "well done" can't tell, right? And the child has a complete misunderstanding of what happens – "Then praised, then got in trouble and all the support and guidance showered. And now guess, where there are anxious children? For you it's obvious your actions are consistent, a child is a complete misunderstanding of what's going on. Therefore, cultivate in yourself, dear parents, involvement in all the manifestations of the child important they are for you or not. Because the child is his own manifestation.
"So what do you say to do with this notorious figure" – ask parents – "blame it something, to say that this picture even for 50 cents at a flea market not buy and he's a talentless artist?" Of course not! It is important that the child in each of our activities used all of its capabilities. If your child can draw better, just point it to that.
Back to the lessons that will make an adequate parent with undone homework?
Brings you your child example, where it says 2+2=5
What would you tell him?
-Look where you made a mistake.
If the child does not understand, take counting sticks and will be with him to count until he understands.
Same thing with drawing. It brings you Doodle – ask drawn. He says our cat! Ask – and where a cat's tail and paws. After the answer – say that she's not exactly the cat is like. And then the child will decide to remake him the picture or not. No one will be offended.
Or bring a black and white picture with a meadow of sunshine and trees. Do not limit yourself to word done, ask and someone color the glade, and whom the sun? After the response, offer to paint, and then suddenly someone does not know what color should be the tree, and then look at the drawing and immediately understand everything.
Just always pay attention to the fact that you can do better, but do it delicately, because the final choice for your child no matter how old he is, 5 or 15!And your child will thank you for this feedback, he wants to do better and better, and he will understand that the praise and the result must be earned, you need to try!But sometimes it also happens that the child at once all turns out, don't forget about it!Useful tip:
If your child is already twelve years old, it is possible to devote it to family planning. Sit down once a month at the table and discuss the financial state of the family: how much money is how much will go for food, how much to pay for housing, how much for personal needs. Thus the child will gradually learn to know the price and money and understand how much parents are spending on it and why you cannot afford more.
In conclusion, I want to say to your child to appreciate money, able to take responsibility for themselves and others and control their actions in the first place it should be able to you! And here's the thing – never skimp on your children! If you give them less than they can give, and your child will do well in relation to their children. And I'm talking not about the money. published
Author: Eugene Lange
P. S. And remember, only by changing their consumption — together we change the world! ©
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Source: Eugene Lange