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The magic words that will comfort in any trouble
Tim Lawrence, a psychotherapist and journalist, wrote an article that tells how you can really help someone experiencing grief. He warns that with the popular phrases made to say to support, you need to be careful — they can hurt even more.
— I listen as a friend of mine-a therapist talks about his patient. The woman was in a terrible accident, she's in constant pain and she's paralyzed limbs. I've heard that story ten times, but every time I shocked one thing. He told the poor man that tragedy led to positive changes in her life.
"Everything in life happens for a reason", — he said. I wonder how this banality is deeply rooted even among psychotherapists. Those words hurt, and hurt severely. He wants to say that the incident makes a woman grow spiritually. And I think it is complete nonsense. The accident ruined her life and ruined dreams — that's what happened and absolutely nothing good about it.
Most important, such attitude prevents us from doing the one thing that we should do when we have the misfortune to grieve. Well talking about this is my teacher Megan devine: "there's Something in life you can't fix. It can only be experienced".
We not only grieve when someone close dies. We indulge in grief when they leave favorite, when the collapse of hope, when overtaken by a serious illness. You can't fix the loss of a child and the betrayal of a loved one — it can only be experienced.
If you have trouble, and someone tells you the following old tired phrase: "everything happens for the best", "it'll make you better and stronger", "it was predetermined", "nothing just happens", "we need to take responsibility for your life", "all is well" — can safely delete this person from my life.
When we say your friends and family these words, even with the best intentions, we deny them the right to grief, sorrow and sadness. I myself suffered a great loss, and every day pursuing blame for the fact that I still live, and my family — no more. My pain hasn't gone away, I just learned how to guide her in the right direction, working with patients and understand them better.
But under any circumstances I would not come to mind to say that this tragedy became a gift that helped me grow spiritually and professionally. To say so means trampling the memory of loved ones whom I lost too soon and those who have encountered similar trouble, but was not able to cope with it. And I'm not going to pretend that for me it was easy because I'm strong or that I was "successful" because it could "take responsibility for your life."
Modern culture refers to grief as a problem that needs fixing, or as a disease that should be treated. We do everything we can to drown out, to force out their pain or something to transform. And when you are suddenly confronted with misfortune, the people around you turn into a walking banality.
So what can we say to friends and family in distress, instead of "everything in life is not by chance"? The last thing a person needs, crushed by misfortune, is counsel. The most important thing — understanding.
Tell literally the following: "I know you're hurting. I'm here with you".
This means that you are willing to stick around to suffer along with a loved one — and this is incredibly powerful support.
For men there is nothing more important than understanding. It does not require any special skills and training, it is simply the willingness to be close and stay close for as long as necessary.
Stay close. Just be there, even when you're uncomfortable or think that you do not do anything useful. In fact, when you uncomfortable, you should make an effort and stay together.
"I know you're hurting. I'm next."
We so rarely allow ourselves to enter into this grey — zone of terror and pain — but that is where lie the roots of our healing. It starts when there are people willing to go with us.
I beg you, do it for their loved ones. You may never know, but your help will be invaluable. And if you ever get in trouble, find someone willing to be there. I guarantee he will be.
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©
Join us in Facebook , Vkontakte, Odnoklassniki
Source: cat-gekata.livejournal.com/411294.html
— I listen as a friend of mine-a therapist talks about his patient. The woman was in a terrible accident, she's in constant pain and she's paralyzed limbs. I've heard that story ten times, but every time I shocked one thing. He told the poor man that tragedy led to positive changes in her life.
"Everything in life happens for a reason", — he said. I wonder how this banality is deeply rooted even among psychotherapists. Those words hurt, and hurt severely. He wants to say that the incident makes a woman grow spiritually. And I think it is complete nonsense. The accident ruined her life and ruined dreams — that's what happened and absolutely nothing good about it.
Most important, such attitude prevents us from doing the one thing that we should do when we have the misfortune to grieve. Well talking about this is my teacher Megan devine: "there's Something in life you can't fix. It can only be experienced".
We not only grieve when someone close dies. We indulge in grief when they leave favorite, when the collapse of hope, when overtaken by a serious illness. You can't fix the loss of a child and the betrayal of a loved one — it can only be experienced.
If you have trouble, and someone tells you the following old tired phrase: "everything happens for the best", "it'll make you better and stronger", "it was predetermined", "nothing just happens", "we need to take responsibility for your life", "all is well" — can safely delete this person from my life.
When we say your friends and family these words, even with the best intentions, we deny them the right to grief, sorrow and sadness. I myself suffered a great loss, and every day pursuing blame for the fact that I still live, and my family — no more. My pain hasn't gone away, I just learned how to guide her in the right direction, working with patients and understand them better.
But under any circumstances I would not come to mind to say that this tragedy became a gift that helped me grow spiritually and professionally. To say so means trampling the memory of loved ones whom I lost too soon and those who have encountered similar trouble, but was not able to cope with it. And I'm not going to pretend that for me it was easy because I'm strong or that I was "successful" because it could "take responsibility for your life."
Modern culture refers to grief as a problem that needs fixing, or as a disease that should be treated. We do everything we can to drown out, to force out their pain or something to transform. And when you are suddenly confronted with misfortune, the people around you turn into a walking banality.
So what can we say to friends and family in distress, instead of "everything in life is not by chance"? The last thing a person needs, crushed by misfortune, is counsel. The most important thing — understanding.
Tell literally the following: "I know you're hurting. I'm here with you".
This means that you are willing to stick around to suffer along with a loved one — and this is incredibly powerful support.
For men there is nothing more important than understanding. It does not require any special skills and training, it is simply the willingness to be close and stay close for as long as necessary.
Stay close. Just be there, even when you're uncomfortable or think that you do not do anything useful. In fact, when you uncomfortable, you should make an effort and stay together.
"I know you're hurting. I'm next."
We so rarely allow ourselves to enter into this grey — zone of terror and pain — but that is where lie the roots of our healing. It starts when there are people willing to go with us.
I beg you, do it for their loved ones. You may never know, but your help will be invaluable. And if you ever get in trouble, find someone willing to be there. I guarantee he will be.
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©
Join us in Facebook , Vkontakte, Odnoklassniki
Source: cat-gekata.livejournal.com/411294.html
