I made a terrible mistake, telling daughter to be an overachiever Bashny.Net

When our oldest daughter went to Cooking school, I made a terrible mistake correct so far. I told her that I was an overachiever and we expect the same from her.

The first couple of years everything was fine. It is well studied, reported on their successes, we all rejoiced at her five, proud etc. I didn't even check her notebooks, not to mention to look in the electronic diary.

But once I took some of her notebook, flipped through and saw a shaded pencil three.

“Cooking, what's that?” – strictly asked me. My daughter started to cry and admitted that he was AFRAID I'd find out and I will to scold her. Okay four, but three! “You said I must be an overachiever!”



My daughter was afraid to tell me that she failed in school, you know?!?! I myself, built with his own hands between us this wall of fear and mistrust. And why would it eventually led do not dare to imagine, I flipped through that ill-fated notebook.

Honestly, at that moment I was taken aback and didn't know what to do. I just hugged her, said love, and asked me never to lie. And not to be afraid. And went into the other room to think. And cry.

And I thought that I'm a bad mother and did everything wrong. And remember...

When the var was two in our house jumped out the window young man. And died. He was not from here. Just went to the entrance, that to commit suicide. I knew the details of the story because then worked as a journalist and was going to do about this stuff. But at the last moment, the newspaper decided not to publish. Although this is not essential. The point is that he, the excellence and pride of the family, went to College and was afraid to tell my parents about it. Chose to die.

“I have never will be, – I thought then. – What kind of parents are.”

Yes... And Cooking was crying, she did three and I was afraid to say about it...

Remembered as the son of friends got in a crazy house because mom and dad demanded that he fives, success, letters, a great future and that they will not be ashamed of him. In the end, the nerves of the guy just could not resist. And the worst thing is that he didn't want to return from the “Durkee” home. Because, as he admitted then, but there he was able to breathe easy because the hospital demanded to be someone's pride and to achieve some heights. Didn't have to get straight as, to be LOVED.

“And so I never will” – I was sure.

And my Cooking was crying, and paint the top three and was worried that I can't be a student like mum... her evil mum!

“Yes, Sophia, your mom was an excellent student in school. Graduated from the Institute with honors. But the most important your exam is the ability to be a good mother – she passed on a solid deuce... Yeah what the deuce! On a stake!”...

No, I wasn't talking to her, and myself. And realized that we now very much need to fix. First and foremost, I – in itself.

I was thinking about how she was worried before each test. Now I know why. As worried about quads... And it was wrong, unhealthy experience.

Don't think I didn't love her less because of these four and even more because of this filled three. And in that moment it seemed to me that I love her even more than ever. I felt so sorry for her to tears! And you can't imagine how I hated myself!

I just like those parents, whose son jumped out of the window. And no better than those who were in the hospital. And I'm sure those people were not bad, they're just like the best. We all want the best, but sometimes we do it very wrong.

I myself, wanting the best, with his own hands, to make miserable my child. Myself! My good, sweet baby girl! My first assistant and tries to please, to support, to ease my “large” life.

How easy to make a mistake and how difficult it is to fix it. I many times then told her that I loved her not for assessment, but in General not for something, and I always will, no matter what! And – well it, this “student”. The main thing is not five. The main thing – to try to do everything in your power to make conscience was calm. And there come what may.

I saw that Cooking first, still worried, when I got four (four!!!). And then there was the moment when she relaxed and decided that my “paradigm shift” means that you can “pozabite” to school because my mom “realized” and it is for nothing.

To the fourth class, thank God, all lifted. Well, we have a couple of fours, so what... Varya even once said to me: “Mom, remember, I was afraid you'd be upset if I'm not a student? Remember? To me then it was so hard to learn! I was only thinking about the marks! And when we talked to you, I was so easy and fun at school! Imagine?.. And when I grow up I want to be an elementary school teacher!”

However, recently we had these GIA (or exam) at the end of fourth grade, the meaning of which I, frankly, incomprehensible. It is unclear how much of the current school curriculum. Cooking was very nervous before each exam and all asked: “And if I don't pass, I don't translate, right?” That's why small children all this hassle, explain?

The day before yesterday in Variney school was graduation. Handed over diplomas to students. And in the end to me turns some people approached and asked in surprise: “what, Cooking is not a student?” “No, not a student!” I replied. With relief I realized that I really do not hurt. I have a beautiful, smart, kind girl, and most importantly, that she was happy.

However, Varia heard it all and then asked me: “what, it's too bad that I'm not a student?” (apparently that was my mistake still lingers deep in it). “No, not bad. The important thing is that you tried, sweetheart!”...

In September, goes to school, our second daughter, Sonia. I hope not to repeat with her for these mistakes... And so afraid to repeat them... But most importantly – I realized that the blame for scores not. To love, to help, to support, to believe in the child, in any. And to do so he believed in us – mom and dad. And not feared.

And more about these assessments... Someone writes that they do not need to put. I don't know. There are probably children who need them. You need something that would demonstrate what they have achieved or what you need to work.

I remember in my class there was a boy C student in all subjects except math, and something else... he was a genius. He solved the problem with some unreal them as public methods. That maths also occasionally for educational purposes “vparivali” he trollbane, but she loved it. And cited the example of honors. “You are so smart, all program, all sleek, and his BRAINS! Such brains! With pododviganiem! And you step to the right and to the left of the program – and all lost.” He did easily somewhere in the math.

 

See also: first aid in case of learned helplessness

How to make a growing up son

And I also remember round losers. It was in high school in Africa, school at the Embassy. The guy was generally a terrible city punks and “parental cross”. But he “fumbled” in the technique soooo! Disassemble and assemble parts, not only the computer, but generally equipment of any complexity. Turned to him for help all. What became of him then, I don't know, we left.

I know exactly what the mark – not an indicator. And they need to change our parent-child relationship.

Author: Elena Kucherenko

 

 

P. S. And remember, only by changing their consumption — together we change the world! ©

Source: vk.com/roditeli_i?w=wall-5608057_1265277