Alexander Lobok, candidate and doctor of psychological Sciences
, helps children cope with depression educational, and parents to understand why children it was.
What if the teenager is busy only with their smartphone? Should we blame for "failure"? Why do we build armored wall between themselves and the children?
"And what do you hear him?" – "Everyone that asks, do!"
– Common situation: three-year-old scribbled piece of paper some rapid kalekoy malakoi. Adult asks, "what's that?" "A machine!" happily the child responds. “Yes, what car is it? – outraged adult. – The machine must be draw here!” And he, an adult, unaware that the child in their three years not at all trying to PORTRAY the car.
And what does he do in this case? Well, for example, marks his sense of fast rushing cars, her wheels spinning. And adults have no time to think and decipher a child's drawing. An adult thinks in stereotypes. And no wonder that the joy of a child committed from the opening fades, the credibility of an adult disappears...
And the adult is simply obliged to understand that a child of three, in principle, not draws "scheme". And no – this is not something with which he tries to portray. He is with his figure marks some of his experiences, his imagination. And because for each "kalekoy malakoi" he might be a whole world of imagination and fantasy.
It could be a horror story, and adventure – but who knows what. And it is very important to these secret baby the worlds were interesting to others child adult. And if we are able to listen to this world – the child will be grateful to us, he will listen to our worlds. If we listen attentively to the child, he will learn to listen to us. This is an absolute law.
Here comes to me once mom and complains: "I Have such a naughty child! I told him a hundred times they say the same thing, and he can't hear me!" I ask: “And what do you hear him?” – "Everyone that asks – do everything!" "Oh, no! say. To hear is to try to understand what's going on INSIDE your child. What happens in his feelings and thoughts in a given moment of time!" And, imagine, for my mother is an absolute discovery. Her head did not come that the most important task of parenthood is the empathy in the world of children's experiences.
Eternal story of five children playing on the carpet in some of his games and something to himself while muttering. I ask mom: "How do you think about what he now says to himself?" "Yes, nonsense some, what's the difference?" I sit down next to the child and begin to listen.
And at some point some of his phrases begin to enthusiastically repeat. Just to repeat – word for word. But coloring his tone. And I have not seen the child, whom it would not have led to a state of joyful excitement: it's so great when you HEAR it.
And it stimulates the child to speak more and more interesting. Encourages to join with adults in dialogue. And... teaches your child to hear what an adult says. But usually the adults never listen to children's speech. She had some familiar background on which it is possible not to pay attention.
Adults listen to children's speech only when a child learns to speak. Then Yes, every new word, every new sentence is an event. But then, when the child begins the real voice stream, wonder why missing.
The prevalence and history: the child talks and talks about something important to him, and his mother listening with half an ear or not listening. And then outraged that the child did not hear it. But we should start to listen to children's speech, as this speech will start to give us real gems. We find that in the speech of the growing child very much Nadbitov very much paradoxical, magical and poetic.
And if we start to record these gems of children's speech on the paper, it will be a powerful incentive for the holistic development of the child. And, in particular, will teach him how to read. And open the way to the birth of his own writing. And will become a powerful tool for the development of his poetic thinking.
– How to find a teacher who will listen to the child and listen to him?
– First of all, look for a teacher himself. Yeah, a school teacher might not be so lucky. Teachers are forced into the Procrustean bed of the lesson and the textbook. And although I know the brilliant teachers who know how to hear and listen to the inner world of the child, it's still incredibly rare.
But what bothers us in ourselves to cultivate sluchivshegosya interlocutor? What prevents us not to interrupt the child, not to beat him in our own thread, and carefully to cultivate his own speech? What prevents to learn to relate to children's word as the word sacred?– “Unteachable” child usually lead to a psychologist, and an expert says it is necessary to change something in the mind of the child. You are almost the only propose to change not children, but the approach to their training, the educational system. You understand that we must act in this direction?
– What is the primary external condition for successful development of the child? Our ability to understand it. Including when he himself can not understand. And all that is required of us is to learn to listen to one of his deep, inner peace that he himself often inaccessible and incomprehensible.
But to learn to listen to the inner world of the child is the most difficult pedagogical task there is in the world. Adults can't hear. And even more – to listen. So, to try to understand what is happening in secret, deep levels of child consciousness, feeling and imagination.
And if the child is the person who empathizes with the stress, the pain, the inner spiritual quest which is always in the child's soul, this child will build their trajectory successfully in any circumstances.Many parents are concerned about academic performance and school failure. Have a kid that fails, what to do with him?
– Let's start with the fact that the school which sharpened on the speed, it's a bad school. After all, the word “time” implies that I have something fast to master. But a huge number of extremely talented and even great people were desperate slowpoke. The quality of thinking not determined by its speed. And when the child does not have time to do something is not always a bad thing. The main thing – to do what everyone does? Or more important to build a tricky path, much more complex, much more difficult and, ultimately, more effective in the thing in which it moves? A child is a whole universe, it is always unique.– And how to help your child build his own trajectory? How to develop his abilities and not to miss important? If the child likes to draw, whether it is necessary to give to an art school?
We need extreme caution. We know that sometimes art school can ruin the artistic talent of the music school to ruin musical talent. It's not the school as such. The question is to find talented teachers. One who is able to engage in individual dialogue with the abilities of the child, careful dialogue.
We need to start with ourselves. Are we ready to engage in dialogue with those powers who begins to discover a child? It is in the dialogue, which, again, begins with our sensitive listening. When the main thing – not some external goals and results, but the status and development of the child's soul.
The trouble is, if we start to measure the child's development in the first place, some external success and external achievements. Human development is primarily a process of internal, not external. Not that we can see and what is happening in a kind of inner mystery. If parents understand that the child is not just a disc that needs to be sharpened by some educational purpose, and since this is the world of the soul and, in General, inexhaustible world, so much can happen.
That is what we parents must first learn. We must listen to these secret movement. And understand that the soul is something that can experience pain and joy. And if we understand that this internal ability to pain and joy – this is the main thing in our child's (as importantly in ourselves), we can do it all.
Computer game measures the force of genius and luck– We have the right to assess our children? Tell them what we like or don't like what they're doing?
– Let's start with the fact that we don't appreciate any special words, but above all their emotions, their tone, Shine your eyes. And the child is our emotional attitude always sees. And secondly, we need to understand that the most important is not the "end product", and the activities in which the child busy.
If you see that your baby's face during a particular activity burns inspiration, his eyes Shine – here's what you need endlessly to be happy. Conversely, when you see that your child is unwell, you need to be able to empathize with him. Your sincere compassion – this is your score.– Teacher Dima Zitser in school and basically puts the children of the grades, and just gives them a live reaction. How do you feel about this approach?
– If you call the rating point scaling, that's the bad type of assessment, which you can imagine. In principle, a person being appraised. And we are always estimated in relation to the world and to ourselves. But this assessment is manifested not in points, but something quite different: first of all in our feelings.
And if we give the child the mirror of our true feelings and emotions about what he's doing, this is the most real assessment. And it is the assessment that it is pointless to translate into points. Cannot be converted to points excitement, joy or bitter disappointment and resentment.
However, at some age the child has a very special interest in ensuring that his stress was measured. And this is one reason why children with a passion immersed in computer games. Computer game measures the force of genius and luck. The computer game never puts points: you get three, four, five. But it is very clear measures.
You clearly know how many points you got, and know that tomorrow will be able to score more. And move on to another more difficult level. This creates a lively excitement. All children from a certain age, and all adults that love. But the school somehow did not know how to learn from computer games, and continues to insist on the most inefficient mechanism for scaling success. And everything else calls it primitive point scaling success "assessment", leading to the semantic mess in my head.But in a family-the parents praise it for five and scolded the two. The school scores be the subject of emotional relationships.
– If the relationship is parent to child measured in school scores, this is a real disaster. Because the main question that needs to stand for a parent – this is not how the child was proskurovo in school, and what efforts he had made, and how he was able to move in relation to himself. Just like in a computer game.– Can we protect the child in his own family from this scoring system, even if the school and around it exists as something extremely important?
– Only its ability to counter point the uniqueness of your ability to see the real children's progress. The school's scoring system is one point of proskurovo children from the point of view of their comparative success. But it is not a human task, and the task of the bureaucratic system. But the task of the true teacher and the true parent must be quite different: to measure the development of the child in relation to himself. Not to compare him with someone, but to evaluate its own progress.
"The whole day lying on the couch and doing nothing..."– What to do if the child is not interested in anything, and all day lying on the sofa or sitting in your phone?
– The answer is paradoxical: the reason is that we are not interested in our child. We are only interested in his outward successes, not wondering what is going on in him.
Yes, come to my parents and complain that the child is not interested in anything except computer games. I ask: "And what game is he playing? And how to change his gaming addiction in the last year? And what fascinates him in these games? And what he imagines himself in these games, who felt playing a particular game?"
And it turns out that parents don't have the slightest idea. They don't even think about the fact that playing certain games, the child acts out some of his tension and fears. That by playing, he definitely fantasizes and imagines. That through the game he tries to solve some of their psychological problems.
For example, identificeres with some monster or villain, trying to get rid of some of his deep insecurity. Today computer game is a mirror of the soul of the child. And he's in the game plays your fears, your stress, your pain. But one of the parents thinks about it and tries to understand and feel what is happening in the soul of a child, and what a painful problem trying to resolve it with the help of computer games?
Or when a child "all day lying on the couch doing nothing" – it is a typical parental complaint. I ask: “are You sure he does nothing?” – “Absolutely nothing! Just lies!” "Well, I say, and when you just lie – what are you doing? You at this time something happens, or nothing at all?.."
This something is the essence: when a child is "just lying on the couch," there is a lot going on. He thinks, he dreams, he dreams, he worries. But no one to care. Because adult all those feelings and dreams – it was "nonsense" to be overlooked. And for the child-it is the most important...
So, I insist, if we wonder what is happening in the inner world of the child – this is the main bridge to ensure that he could interest our world. If we constantly appreciate his inner world: "It's about nonsense all the thinking!" – it will be further and further away from us.
And in fact, our fantasy, our dream is the only thing we truly possess. Our imagination is the only thing we from the very beginning belongs to. And the worst thing that parents do is when they belong to children's fantasy with disdain.
Podrostkovoy – this is not about the choice of profession– What to do if the alienation has already happened, and the teenager has erected between himself and us armoured wall?
We can begin to remember themselves. Remember that with ourselves happen at this age. Remember the severity of their own experiences. To awaken their own feelings. And gradually begin to understand that what is going on inside of a teenager lying on the couch, perhaps, is the most important in his life.
Because it's questions about life and death, about happiness and unhappiness, questions about loneliness and misunderstanding... the Teenager very often thinks about his right to his life, and hence of his right to death. And who of us is ready to think seriously about it and talk? The only question that ready to discuss with your child the adults that the question of his school success and life goals.
And it's bitter. Because really the only question that really concerned the teenager is the question of the meaning of life. But this is a question that he is not so much "thinking", but feels and lives. Feels and lives his entire body.But how to reconcile this with the fact that at this age should be the choice of future profession...
Podrostkovoy – this is not about the choice of profession. Podrostkovoy is a meeting with you. And career choice is still to walk and walk. And must be able to fully live the age of podrostkovoy – age meeting with his new body, the age of meeting with a brand new experience, the age of meeting with life issues.
And if this age will be fully spent, and a full-fledged meeting with the profession will occur. But let's understand that every age has its own laws and its own problems. And it is very dangerous if we jump through some stage of psychological maturation of the child.
It was here in podrostkovoy laid some of the most fundamental things associated with the experience itself. And if this stage of life lived fully, it will lay the Foundation for a happy life.
I assure you: one of the key sources of all kinds of depressions, alkogolizatsii and other problems that arise in human (sometimes very successful) in adulthood is defective past adolescence. I responsibly declare it as a counseling psychologist, working with a huge number of adult customers.
In General, the problem of psychological immaturity psychological immaturity of adults is one of the most acute problems of today. And the root of these problems is largely in the fact that at the time a person has not had a complete study of adolescent experiences.
Like, the main thing is to choose a profession. No, the important thing is to deal with them. A man hid behind the choice of profession and decided the most important questions of his life. And all his personal life to old age has turned into a vicious circle, where he is constantly stepping on the same rake. And can not build a happy relationship – neither with others nor with himself.
However, my own teenage son this deeply unhappy man with pathos brings up: "You must study well! You have to choose a profession! You must put the right goals in life!" That is actually offers your child to follow the route of personal insolvency.
Good intentions, of course. Not thinking about why his own life – despite her professional success! – in fact, it has not worked... And this is not that other, as a sign of deep parental infantilism.
Toxic parentsHappiness love peace
– That is primarily psychological help is needed by parents?
– Of course. We have an incredibly undeveloped, this massive psychological culture, psychological wisdom. We too quickly translate the arrow on the child, they say, is his problem. And it would be necessary first about themselves to think.
We do something that somehow managed to understand about ourselves? And if we are able to put a mirror to themselves, their own problems, then we are able to help you and your child. But if we with their own problems not understood, that we and our child will not help.published
Author: Alexander Pubis
Text: Anna Utkina
P. S. And remember, only by changing their consumption — together we change the world! ©