Before the wedding I thought I'd marry, born to me a son, and I will raise him into a man strong, athletic and confident, which themselves do not believe.
Was born instead of the son daughter — what a bummer! The second bummer and more global — is a complete breakdown of the old carefree lifestyle, carefree and dream about the education of comprehensively developed personality. And much later, is the realization that it is impossible to raise a child, being at the same level of emotional development. About this article.
How to raise a child, if I am not aware of your habits!
Becoming a father, I was faced with a lot of questions. One of them: "How can raise a child's confidence man, unsure of himself, and how can you give what you do not have yourself?" Is that an example of the reverse. For example, drinking dad. For a child to see how not be necessary. But this scenario, I think, would not suit anyone. Certainly not in my family.
However, this approach can be viewed from the other side. "I consciously don't do what I don't want to do my child". Here is great potential. Can you refuse the obvious bad habits, such as Smoking, alcohol, wallow on the couch.
But there are other don't notice me habits that are harmful effect on the education of children: the sharpness and temper with loved ones, self-absorbed, indifference (I call it "I-tired-after-work"), lack of attention, constant monitoring of loved ones or excessive concern, putting off work, late, unfulfilled promises. This is not a complete list
You can make such a list yourself, every time tracking your reactions. As a rule, to track their possible after they occur. But to calculate the mechanisms they trigger, it is much harder, as they passed us inherited our parents/caregivers, and they in turn got them from his. I don't come up with it myself, but everyday communication with two children 4 and 7 years convince me of this.My habit control
For example, uncontrolled me in the habit of monitoring children!
I'm with the kids playing the game. Without knowing it, I still put myself above them. Condescending tone control where you can do without it. No matter how I played in "peer friends", I will inevitably succumb to the level of "master". And when they are able, without knowing it, emphasize their superiority.
For example, on Sundays, while the kids are asleep, I love to cook pancakes and set the table, then together with the whole family for Breakfast. Children like it very much. And here pancakes eaten, and all joking and laughing at the table, everyone is equal, and everything is fine, but why would I take something and bring down the whole atmosphere around the phrase: "Maryam, don't forget to wash your hands! And then all get greasy hands!". "I know!!!" — starts daughter, withering me with a glance, gets offended and upset about the table.
Why, I ask, so much to invest in creating a festive mood: pancakes, set the table, then to his ruin?
If you think about it, the phrase about the hand washing I could not pronounce. My daughter is already seven years old, she could have just went and washed my hands. I know it!I — the machine!
What pushes me to such behavior? Mind you, subconsciously, automatically, in fractions of a second work laid me blocks:
1. The desire to remain master of the table, or rather, situation.
2. Fear of developing equal relationships after Breakfast. "Now they will stick me with games, or will drag on the street, and I have other plans. It is necessary to restore the status quo".
3. Inertia and reactivity. Children grow and develop, but it turns out that I do not recognize and continue to communicate with them on the level of development from which they grow. In order to build a new relationship you want to develop yourself, and it's a powerful and blow to the ego. I grew up and reached perfection, to grow and develop not for me. It is more convenient to use the scheme. Paradox: I'm your relation to keep children in development, and not stimulate their growth!
Such "control shot in the head," I'm doing a day a lot. "Don't forget to close the door", "brush your teeth" and other nonsense.I machine! I think that all adults are machines, and we insist on doing the guns of his children.
After all, our regular automatic phrase control children produce automatic reactions. At whom as, at my kids is a riot.
Riot! "I know!", "I won't!", "I don't want to!".Rebellion or obedience?
"Why are they not listening to me?" — then I ask myself. Yes, now 4 and 7 years is a protest. The deprivation of autonomy is always and all cause protest. But then what? Maybe this constant control is possible at a certain age to break the child, and he will be still? Maybe it will be easier to obey, if only to avoid the excess control and the stupid phrases of a parent? I do not exclude such a scenario.
Will grow in some of the aspects of an obedient executor, in need of approval to everything that he does, and go from caring hands of parents in tenacious paws of the head, wife/husband... And if the parents do not give, he will find himself such. I judge myself. I for the life of all good and Executive. The horror...
Yes, the horror. For me it is better children's a riot! Rebellion, sobering and makes me think that I'm doing something wrong. Children just like to protest.Father always right?
I am glad to learn consciously not to respond to children's anger protest and repression, as we have supposed in society and in the genes. "Father is always right!" — for me and for my children, this is not an axiom.Although I admit, it's not easy!
The rebellion and resistance of children automatically provoke in me an instant reaction of anger. Now, though not always. Now I have three children, and over 7 years of fatherhood I have learned partly to cope with this reaction. I remember my grandfather, who had 10 children. He was impassive as an Indian chief. At least now I'm not explode immediately like before. It is sometimes possible consciously to approach the situation and solve everything peacefully. Sometimes you just have to douse it, but he in any case comes out, and each time in a new sophisticated forms.
Anger will find a hole!Will tell an example story that happened the other day.
We had a falling out with the elder daughter. The dispute turned into a quarrel resulted in a fight. While we were down in the Elevator, my daughter managed four times to hit me with a hand on the place that she was closer in the narrow Elevator. I thought she was going to explode!
Likely, you are outraged, as a third party viewer that her daughter raises a hand to his father. But father if I was in that moment? Because the flash of its anger was triggered by my unconscious behavior.
Winning the argument, without knowing it, I quickly slipped to multiple underscores his superiority, thereby humiliating her. Moreover, seeing that it catches her and exasperated, I couldn't stop and continued to tease and repeat. Well, exactly its the same age from the kindergarten, not the Pope, to whom 40 years. So I got like the same age as for such foolish behavior. I didn't even notice how he fell into this state. Of course, it is the result of my anger, to hide during a quarrel and which gave out after her.The conflict is a resource
Conflict scenario, as a rule, always the same, and wound one scene in which the leading role played by emotions. My experience shows that emotional development I'm not very far away from their children. We have to move and develop together.
I believe that in any conflict situation, we can at least stop, to breathe, to pause. To stop and not to aggravate, not to wait for the magic pendalya from the child in the form of fights, tantrums, tears, apathy, withdrawal...
At the conscious approach to the inevitable conflicts with children can be seen as lessons in emotional development and for children and for parents. This is a huge potential in the education of both sides.
Do I need to insist that the child apologizeBoomerang: it will take several years, and these words will come back to you...
Now here is consciously, with the children, to develop, to recognize their maturation and do not include the control where it is not needed. And my question at the outset about whether the insecure dad to raise a confident child, I will answer what he can. It could, if consciously shut off excessive control and care in which he grew up, and cease to tolerate this scenario for your child.
I am grateful that I have such wonderful little teachers, as my children did for me, the discovery that to grow and develop in relationships can and should at any age.
Author: Rustam Urazbakhtin
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©