Okay, shiffman Muriel: "Good" and "Bad" marriages

Famous book Muriel's okay, shiffman Face-to-subconscious " has already become a classic of psychotherapy.

Muriel's okay, shiffman wrote his book in the 60-ies of the 20th century, but the book has not lost relevance until now – as the laws of Newton. Of course, I recommend you all to read this work, especially since the book is written easily and literally "chew" (as is the case with the authors of the Americans) one idea so that no one dared to speak, he closed the book, "I did not understand – what to do?".

In addition, Muriel's okay, shiffman, not just "aunt", and she is a student of Fritz Perls – the founding father of Gestalt approach in psychotherapy, as we all know.

Today we will talk about the most important, in my opinion, the idea, which is also chewed in the book Muriel's okay, shiffman. I will try to explain this idea more.

Some marriages can be called conditionally "Bad" and marriage "Good" from the point of view of Gestalt self-therapy

For the beginning I give an introduction.

Each of us has certain themes to which we belong is not rational, and irrational. These "Theme" means a lot more than they really mean. We invest in these themes more often stretches of childhood and is associated with children's psychological trauma – a traumatic upbringing and so on.

Such "topics" we always have a violent, emotional reaction, we lose "sobriety" in the face of such a topic. Simply put, these themes can be called "sick". And Muriel's okay, shiffman calls them "Themes that we are irrational."

Now, friends. We have these threads usually are not the same. So we sometimes see a clear view of the "Other" and say to myself, "Hm... Th it. Th he care? Don't understand. Funny some. No one was hurt, and he started and banged the door".

And sometimes the same.

"Good" marriages are okay, shiffman refers to those partnerships in which both spouses have DIFFERENT sensitivities. Or a little match. So one partner can stay "sober" and did not hurt, just poprobyvat in disbelief and concern.

Sometimes men say: "Oh, these women do not understand. Look, again offended. Well, for what? What this time?"

The bad marriages are okay, shiffman calls those in which both partners are exactly the same as the maximum number of such "special topics" or almost all. Placid then these reactions will not, and will scuffle and the smashing of glass on both sides.

Why? What's going on?

Follow an inappropriate emotion" – the first step

I'm not going to list all the steps in Muriel's okay, shiffman. For us here the most important first step is to track your (or someone else) inappropriate emotional reaction to someone's action, General behaviour or words.

Track and say, "Yes, I (he) now was just an inadequate response."

Well, here's an example.

You go to the partner (I deliberately did not specify – who to whom is suitable, it doesn't matter).

You come to partner your family and say, "well, give me three hundred rubles."

And in response to hear: "What three hundred rubles? I told you yesterday was given(a) three hundred rubles! Do you even know how much it costs electricity, gas, heating? I don't know what we will eat next month!"... Well... and so on.

There is an inadequate response. People could just say "you Know what – do not give. No. I barely collected in rent, I still don't know exactly how much you will have to pay. Here pay today, then I look what do we have left, don't mess with me now, I barely figured out with those damned papers, they are from me fall."

But boorish and hysterical cries about "you know you do, how much is a typical inadequate response to the theme "Money".

If you personally on the subject of "Money" has no own irrational applications, stretching from your parental family, you will easy enough to listen to a partner and tell him something encouraging.

Because you love him, Yes, in principle? You're not drunk neighbor got nasty, and your loved one. You think, "Oh, well, what about him? Maybe he had some bad? Maybe he scared someone humiliated?"

If the theme of "Money" and for you too irrational "Fad" that you arrange in response to such a scandal that the door from slamming them off the hinges, and the neighbors will not survive and die from happiness listening to your concert.

Now I want to parse a typical sample of another, often "sick, the topic is on "Food". Many (but not all) with the theme "Food" are going to load the irrational installation. This really is the issue... If any irrational layers available to both partners expect constant furious scandals at the table.

Option one: She cooks, he eats

Well, to my soul impart,

Ottawa the hell are you Snape?

Al salad Milanese

Not enough truffles?

For her the concept of "Food"?

For her the concept of "food" is accompanied by the irrational: "Food is my Love to you."

(Actually, food is just food. As long as it was not sour in the fridge the products, that it is necessary to follow). Remember the classics: "don't make a cult out of food!".

For Him the concept of "Food"?

For Him, the concept of food is not no love, but – "the Attempt to establish Power and Control."

Why? Well, let's say...


When she was little, her mother hardly knew how to cook and made pasta for a week, was eating lunch in the cafeteria at work, the daughter was eating in detention.

But when the child came to grandma – grandma used to cook her sumptuous meals and said, "Eat up, baby. They got there not fed. Grandma baked you some pancakes, get up to eat Breakfast" And so on.

So It "food" still means "grandma's love and care". She and cook have learned something in spite of your mom and grandma.

And is now trying to feed all whom he loves, playing the role of "Grandmother."

It is as if he says to his partner: "I Know how you know how to love? Like my grandmother loved me! That is, more than anything else!"


And over it domineering mother (mother with Hyper-care) established its Maternal Power through food control. She knew him – what and how much he needs to eat. She stood over him as he choked over his plate and said, "Until it's all eat, walking not going anywhere. I Pasu-Pasu at the plate, and you're not eating".

Many years have passed...

The wife cooks the food and as something special meticulously and irrational watches – ate whether favorite. Stands over her and looks into his eyes. Something familiar, Yes?

He immediately sees his mother baleen whale and who rolls up to the throat. "I won't eat it, it's disgusting" – screams within him, the little boy who was abused all her childhood, forcing her to swallow the hated food, depriving choice.

"You mean to say that you need me, mistress?" – irrational thinking husband. "I'll be here to monitor what and how I eat? And the toilet is not gonna follow me?".

And then there is irrational conflict: She as always ready for her husband's food, and he unconsciously seeing in this Hyper guardianship, defiantly came with the package khrycheva of McDuck, closed the tablet and so brazenly slurping, not intelligent, his wife is not looking.

Or as something special rude in response to: "Eat fresh salad" answers: "Yes, I really was on the street two pancake ate, you know, I don't want to." And watching sly: "Well, ate, the old bearded fool?"

And he does not see that it wasn't the old bearded fool, and his loving wife is young and cute... And now she roars, not understanding why he so subtly over her mocks and kills himself with muck in the street.

It is psychosomatic to get sick on purpose and then say with pride: "you see, I can'T eat what you cook".

His message: "don't feed me".

Muriel's okay, shiffman says: If at least one partner did not have the item "Food" irrational thing, it would (and in fact very soon) he would have realized that its nice that something is wrong.

Something he doesn't respond well to such simple things. In fact, did offer to enjoy a well-catered dinner – is that sad?

However, we got a "bad" marriage. Because both spouses have trauma from childhood, related to the theme of "food."

By the way, how could it be Her?

For example, the wife read the book Muriel's okay, shiffman and already knows how to track down a hostile reaction. She quickly realized why she suffers, I would have thought about my grandmother and said to me:

"Okay. I realize that makes me so hot. I reject. But is it?

No, it's just my "Dance of love" this man is not suitable. I don't know why. I'm not a therapist. I'm just the Wife. And I know flair one. Need to learn how to dance different "dance of love".

I just won't dance over him with a ladle. He needs probably another, different expression of my Love. Because Love can be expressed in a thousand different ways. Do not have food. All stop dancing on his head with his cooking. But cook never cease".

Now when the wife (which, for example, still believes that to eat balanced, tasty and homemade food only) is just going to leave the ready meals on the stove or in the fridge – she "indifferently" the frame with an interesting magazine on the couch – husband is soon going to eat all of what she had planned for him. Slowly, standing near the refrigerator, hands alone, as long as you want. Mustachioed mother the size of a whale for him at this point no longer matter.

And terrorize wife McDuck, he will certainly stop.

Part two. Topic "Clothes"

Enough already with the food. Now let's try to get into the top. Converge? Well.

Here we will consider two opposite stories. The Story Of The First.

She purposely dresses like a kid" or "gray mouse". He sees her in the dress, lingerie and heels

Many men reach the quiet tantrums because his wife supposedly "fun" of them and purposely dressed all in grey, black, unfashionable, old. Jeans and t-shirts. That's the whole of her active wardrobe. Everything he bought her, hanging unworn.

Attempt to spend money on dress shoes gift for holiday lingerie – makes wife angry tantrum and make a shrew. What's wrong with the girl? Indeed, many wives and mistresses about it in a dream not dream, but she still shrinks inside when he's trying to dress her "Like a woman".

Doom. As you can see, she's irrational installation on the theme "Women's clothing" or "Dear women".

"Honey" "Women" clothing

As a child, her parents did not have money to dress your daughter well, and she was dressed "like a girl", but poorest of all in the class. And when she walked through the streets, we said only that "the powerpuff girls" – all, of course, walking with the boys and be obervance" she – boys have success don't use the boys embarrassed to go to the cinema and cafes with outrageously dressed girls.

Then she not to get lost, changed the place of celebrations.

She was wearing a comfortable t-shirt and shorts, and then his feet started to look like a girl, has ceased to be a chicken. What else you need to confirm that you too can enjoy success?

And other wonderful boys immediately found – which was appreciated in her is that she doesn't "chicken" that she sits on a moped, goes for help to the racetrack, playing the guitar battle, knows all the names of their video games and she plays them sickly.

Well, eat, "Chicks-angels"? I am also friends with the boys.

Since then, the shorts and shirt clung to her like frog skin, became the Mascot of Her Women's Success. And he wants this skin to burn, you idiot!

How dare he!

Now again he will throw her to the seraglio, equalize it with those Chicks, forcing again to compete in the quantity and quality of skirts, dresses and cardigans? Yes, you never catch up and to surpass them – in knowledge of the brands and names of items of women's clothing and blunt the ability of a clock to learn stuff! And she does not want. She learned from childhood the lesson: no matter How you dress anyway, these chickens will dress better, they have it in the genes. Better shorts and a crumpled tank top with beautiful figure and smiling face.

And maybe... (thinks, turning cold, she may be just embarrassed by me? Maybe he turned into that kid who likes only expensive dressed girl angels? Or always have been?

That meets any attempt generous and loving (unsuspecting) husband – to clothe and to adorn his beloved wife "like a doll" is back, incomprehensible aggression and hysteria with depression.

If he doesn't have on "Clothes" of their irrational attitudes, he will see that my wife is acting kind of irrational and think how to help her with her "trouble".

History of the second.

She wants to dress up much, expensive and ornate. He arranges scandals over each bought it (even money) rags

For a Beautiful Dress and Perfume Smell is death. Red rag to a bull.

It always looked like his mother when she left him.

How he hates from childhood these elegant dresses and perfumes. "Leaving me again?"

And then... a Beautiful Dress brought for a Ugly someone else's Uncle. And now shout "Gorko", and entered the house. I hate Beautiful Women's Dresses. Wear them before you leave.

I had a man to find a wife, which also has an irrational setting on the topic "Clothes".

What is women's clothing for Her?

Her clothing is Life, is Love, is a Victory over all enemies. Final victory. A pile of fashionable dresses for her is armor. God forbid you deprive her of this weapon.

They lived poorly with her mother, a lab assistant. Dad was away. Girlfriend laughed. "Girlfriends". Sheep! But the other was not...

In the yard she was quoted. They laughed at her mom, too – she didn't suffer at all. Fought squatted quietly to those who are especially contemptuous comments about the mother.

And then they have a Dad. He arrived at the car yard and all shut their mouths, after first – widened in astonishment.

And all at once changed. Mom blossomed. They both bought dresses. Dad was a Man. And then they all left the house and began to live a new happy life.

In your fancy dress she first realized she is beautiful and strong. As her fear of the woman. And as she began to notice men. And before that watched through the glass.

If the husband read the book Muriel's okay, shiffman Face-to-subconscious", he would have noticed that his reaction to new things wife is irrational. "What it reminds me?" asked if he himself.

And in the end would exclaim: "What nonsense! Dress and perfume does not mean that you throw forever and betray. I'm not a boy in a Onesie, but she's not my mom. It's time to grow up. Let the wife buys clothes, what's the problem?"

So, let's summarize. Muriel's okay, shiffman offers a simple method whereby so-called "bad" marriages can be saved. One of the spouses, skilled Gestalt introspection just learns to say "STOP!" and ask the question:

"And are adequately was my reaction right now?"

What am I yelling about? What I cried?

One adequate man with one inadequate – this is normal. Each of us, Muriel says okay, shiffman, was and is irrational Themes of Life.

And we, sometimes, will give light to their beloved. The secret of happiness in marriage lies in the fact that the second man could react understandingly and supportive, and I was desperate and the whole ugly scene quickly and painlessly come to naught.

In the end I will give my favorite example, which gave the book itself is okay, shiffman Muriel.

The husband comes home from work angry and then yelling at kids, making them comments.

My wife has an irrational attitude to the subject "Wife and Mother". She believes that it should be a "Perfect Mother and Wife." Husband, norasi children, speaks to her like the following:

"You're a bad mother. What freaks you raised".

Of course, the wife runs to the scene of quarrels and starts yelling at her husband in defense of children: "Why are you hollering at them". And so on.

When the wife has an irrational relationship to the subject "Wife and Mother" (or reads okay, shiffman) she sees only the bare fact: "my Husband came home from work so that it is no face. It is gray like a wall."

And at this point it will behave in the most appropriate way – rush to find out what had happened and how she could help.

Read a book about Gestalt self-therapy and Face-to subconscious". And Yes it will not have "bad" marriages.

Author: Helen Nazarenko


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