Edition Site has decided to do without much ado. The entire text of the article says - and sometimes shouts, whispers and sometimes - for itself.
- Hello, hello, come into the kitchen. I am now. Only nails dosushit ...
- Nails? What are the nails? - Taken aback psychologist
She works in a hospice. In the children's hospice. She works with adults who have children are dying. This did not work, and the punishment. Constant contact with the deadly despair.
Her clients do not paint your nails. Do not wear bright. Do not laugh. Do not smile. Do not celebrate holidays. Do not go to the movies.
They wear black scarves. Look at one point. Meets at random. A long time did not open the door.
They live in a waiting black day and black make each day waiting.
The psychologist is needed to get rid of the head of the parents thought of death. About his death. Because when a child goes, why live?
The psychologist should explain why. To help come up with a new "why". And settle a new "why" to the head of moms and dads, for a long time and habitually living on the verge of despair.
- What are the nails? - I repeated psychologist. - You mother Anya? You Snezhanna?
- I am a mother, my mother. These nails - Snezh laughed. She showed a beautiful manicure with shiny as candy fingers.
Snezh 30 years. 2 years ago, her four-year daughter was diagnosed. Oncology. Stage 4.
The diagnosis, determine the final length of life of her daughter. Two years. Twice for 365 days. "Plus or minus 720 days," - considered Snezh and fell into the pit of despair
In the well bottom was not. When Snezh looked at her daughter, she flew down all the time, feeling the inhuman overload. She even dreamed this fall. In the dream she desperately clung to the well wall, tearing off his fingers in the blood, breaking fingernails, trying to slow down, stop. I wake in pain. Hurt your fingers. And nails ached. Yellowing. The fungus probably. Snezh hid under the yellowness jewelery manicure.
Of course, they fought.
Snezh desperately climbed. I seize any opportunity. Traditional medicine. Alternative. One day, after a morning of exposure it could get lucky daughter to the village witch doctor. But what if? Radiation therapy and herbal teas. Psychics. Sorcerers. The best diagnosticians and oncologists.
"What if" ended when metastases were bone marrow daughter. Snezh realized: Now - everything. The final leg of the journey. No matter how many days was not there, they have no "what if».
Snezh realized she would not be able to change anything. Choice: live or die - no more. She, Snezhana have to accept it. She froze instantly.
Wait, but there is always a choice! Even sentenced to death of a person, which are to be shot, there is a choice. Choice - with some mood to go there. With fury, with bitterness, with forgiveness, with hope ...
Snezh realized that in this choice - it saved. And warmed.
She chooses to live "as if nothing had happened." She would not cultivate the disease and to subordinate to it all her daughter's life. And your life, too. She did not put on the altar of the impending death of more than a day of the Lord designated to life.
Need to live. Rather than wait.
Yes, a hospital ward and daily injections of poison in the veins pricked the child the opportunity to extend its life for a few days. Whether life is for the five year old girl? No. This torment.
Annie cried all the time in the hospital and wants to go home. Houses - doll. Cartoons. Funny magazines. Fruit. Houses - childhood. And in the hospital - the fight. But the outcome of the struggle is already determined, why?
Snezh took her daughter home. And I began to live happily ever after.
- This is not in itself, - gloomily watched Snezhana other mothers whose children remained in hospital wards. - That she gave
And at this moment Snezh made a conscious choice. It ceased to fall into the well. Stop. She raised her head. And when the sky. And the sun's rays, by reaching it in the well.
Snezh tightly clutched Anyutkinu hand, when they left the hospital.
- Let's go home, my good ...
- We are here no longer go back? - With the hope of asking a girl
- No, I no longer go back, - he said firmly Snezh
Annie became a hospice patient. Well, that is, living at home, and there stood on the account.
Hospice - this is not about death. Hospice - it's about life. About the fact that death - it's part of life. What to die - not scary. It is terrible to die in life.
Snezh valued employees of this institution. They were always there. In a phone call away. He was always ready to help. And they do not ask stupid questions. This is important.
And the other - asked
- How do you? - Asked ambient
The question is sewn deep horror of realizing the vastness of someone else's misfortune and deep joy of knowing that the problem - not with me
- I'm - great - honestly confessed Snezh. - Today, we'll go on the carousel. Annie wants. Ice Cream eat. In the park quiver.
People look away. This text belongs to the mother of a healthy child. His mother does not speak a terminally ill girl.
People, a day not lived in the well, love to give expert advice on how to intelligently suffer. They have Reader despair, wet with tears.
And Snezh no such anthologies. She - the album with white sheets. Each leaf - this is a new day. Today we live it to its fullest. With ice cream and carousels. Color the bright colors and children's laughter. And then comes the night, Annie falls asleep and Snezh will listen to her breathing. Breathing sleeping daughter - the best symphony of love in the world. Thank you, Lord, for even one bright day. Tomorrow we are waiting for a new clean sheet. In what would be the color of its paint?
Somewhere in the interval from Snezh Anyutkinoy illness left her husband. Scary, of course, that in this case from Anyutka left Dad.
Before leaving, the husband said Snezh something offensive. With thick. And old. And something else. He beats words. Snezh not listening. She understood. He just gives up. He goes from fear. He does not want every day to see her daughter fading. It spoils the quality of life. He has a guilty smile. Because society condemns a smile in this situation.
There is still a year. Her husband did not want to throw away years of his life in misery pipe. After this year, you can live a fun ride on the sea, leaping laughing, kissing frantically. But the alternative - tears, shots, doctors, diagnoses. My husband chose the former. I went for family brackets. And there, behind the scenes, giving valuable advice Snezh.
- Such an active lifestyle finishes child - authoritatively declares ex-husband, viewing photos in social networks. They are - a happy mom and daughter laughing. Subscribers do not suspect that her daughter was ill. - Are you her life reduces
Snezh silent. What to say? In theory, he is right. If Annie was lying now, studded with needles, through which it would be pumped chemicals on the basis of the poison, she would probably have lived longer. But ... Is this life for five children?
They reflect Snezh have not on this occasion. Just live.
Recently he dumped his daughter at an amusement park. This is an adventure! Annie was happy. Yellowish covered cheeks blush. It took a whole day to dress Elsa, she was present, vzapravdashny princess. Snezh happy with her daughter, she charged her delight.
Live when you are fine - it is another story. And to live, when you have all bad -. Quite different
When all is well with you, you can think of dumplings and new wallpaper in the living room. And when things are bad, that all thoughts are covered barrier of awareness that metastases have already moved into the bone marrow of the child.
Snezh passed the stage of denial. And anger. And tantrums. She was there on the other side. It is - in taking
So she lives as if all is well. She broke the barrier and tidied up in the head. She thinks about the dumplings and the wallpaper in the living room. You can take these beige with a hint of coffee. It will be beautiful.
- Snezhanna, you think about how you will live ... and then? - Gently asked the psychologist. She is ready to answer about suicidal thoughts. And he knows what to say in response.
- Later? Well, I have no plan, but I know what I'll do right after ...
- I'll go to the sea. I would swim a lot. And sunbathing. And swim for the buoys.
- On the sea? I wonder - a psychologist examines Snezh curiously. Think about the power of this tormented tests, but unbroken women.
Snezh in its own understands this gaze. She treats it as a condemnation. She got used to it.
- Do you think it's embarrassing? All think so. Mama. Ex-husband. Neighbors. Girlfriends.
- I do not think so, Snezhanna, honestly. Quite the contrary.
- I will cleanse the sea condemning all these views. All sentences. I then said that I ... like this ... "pathetic suffering» ...
Snezh grinned. I wanted to smoke.
- Snezhanna, you are afraid of something? - Asked the psychologist
- I? - Snezh thought. - Probably no longer exists. I'm afraid Anyutkinoy pain. But there is morphine. And nothing ...
- Anya worse
- Yes, I see. Do not blind. But it was already. I think the break through.
- And if not
- And if not, then I do not want an autopsy. I do not want to touch it. And Elsa dress is ready. It is there to be happy here. And it will be there.
The psychologist is about to leave. It is not needed. She did not tell my mother this is nothing new. Quite the contrary. This woman - the very wisdom and acceptance. Or maybe it's a defensive reaction, blocking feelings. Or maybe lust for life. What's the difference? Sea ... It wants to Sea.
From it does not smell of desperation. It smells like nail polish. And a little chocolate. She and her daughter eating chocolate.
From the room to hand Snezh shoots Annie.
- Mom, let's go to paint new markers razukrashki !!! - Vereschit girl
- I go, Annie. We have guests, you see? Say hello. And that's not polite ...
- Hello - hello girl and escapes into the room. If not for the yellowish complexion and swollen lymph nodes - a normal child, childhood charged
Snezh out into the stairwell to spend a psychologist. But in reality - a cigarette. I'd like to.
- You - amazing, Snezhanna - says psychologist goodbye. - You are a rarity. You do not need a psychologist. You psychologist herself. I even advise you I will not do anything. I wish strength and durability.
- Yeah, thanks, nice - Snezh friendly smiles and eagerly draws on the cigarette. - Forces and you too. You processing - not envy
The elevator doors closed and do not give the courtesy to answer psychologist.
Snezh was finishing a cigarette and for a minute considering spring sky through a dirty window. The sky is blue, bright, sunlit.
The same will be the sea. Later. Snezh will bask in its rays. Quickly Zagora in black. Will evenings smear sour cream red shoulders.
And when the time comes - it will come back here
Will come back, updated.
And go to work in hospice. Psychologist. It will be here also go to those who have forgotten how to smile, and to teach. Learn to live in spite of the diagnosis. Learn to break the barriers. Learn to think of the sea. Learn to see the sun in the well.
It will show people your photos. The photographs - the happiness of two people. And there is no disease. That they Anyuta in the park. This - and ride horses. This - on the carousel. This - on the hill. It is they who bursts fruit. And here - Chocolate ...
You see, you can live. Can. And we need. Just buy dumplings. Just Poquelin wallpaper ...