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The magic words that will comfort any trouble
Tim Lawrence, psychotherapist and journalist, wrote an article that explains how you can really help a person experiencing grief. He warns that a common phrase that made pronounce the support you need to be cautious - they can hurt even more.
Website published an article by Tim, who himself suffered the loss of loved ones at a young age and know what we really need in difficult times.
- I listen as a friend of mine, a psychotherapist tells about his patient. The woman was in a terrible accident, she was constantly in pain, and her limbs are paralyzed. I heard this story ten times, but every time I was shocked by one thing. He said the poor man, that the tragedy led to positive changes in her life.
"Everything in life is not by chance" - that his words. I am surprised how this banality is deeply rooted even among psychotherapists. These words hurt, and hurt badly. He wants to say that the incident makes a woman grow spiritually. And I think it is complete nonsense. The accident broke her life and shattered dreams - that's what happened, and absolutely nothing good about it.
Most importantly, such an attitude prevents us from doing the only thing we should do when we have trouble - to grieve. Well said about my teacher Megan Devine: «Something in life can not be corrected. It can only be experienced »
We grieve not only when someone close dies. We are committed to sadness when leaving favorite when hopes crumble when catches serious illness. You can not correct the loss of a child and the betrayal of a loved one - it can only be experienced.
If you happened to you trouble, and someone tells you the following jammed the phrase "all that happens - for the better", "it will make you better and stronger", "it was predestined," "nothing happens for a reason" "We need to take responsibility for their lives," "everything will be fine" - you can safely delete that person from your life.
When we are talking to their friends and relatives like words, even with the best intentions, we deny them the right to grief, sorrow and sadness. I myself experienced a tremendous loss, and pursues me every day wine for the fact that I'm still alive, and my family - is no more. My pain has gone nowhere, I just learned to guide her in the right direction, working with patients and better understand them.
But under no circumstances I would not have occurred to me to say that this tragedy was a gift of fate that helped me to grow spiritually and professionally. To say that - to trample on the memory of loved ones mean the people I lost too early, and those who are faced with such a disaster, but could not cope with it. And I'm not going to pretend that for me it was easy because I'm strong, and I was "successful" because it was able to "take responsibility for their lives."
Modern culture refers to the tribulation as a problem to be fixed, or to the disease being treated. We do our best to drown, to displace the pain or somehow transform it. And when you are suddenly faced with misfortune, the people around you turn into walking banality.
So we talk to friends and family in trouble, instead of "everything in life is not a coincidence?" The last thing a person needs, crushed by misfortune, it is advice or instruction. The most important thing - understanding.
Say the following: "I know I hurt you. I'm here with you ».
This means that you are willing to stay there and suffer with a loved one - and it's incredibly powerful support.
For the people there is nothing more important than understanding. It does not require any special skills and training, it's just a willingness to get close and stay close as long as necessary.
Stay close. Just be there, even when you are uncomfortable, or it seems like you are not doing anything useful. In fact, just when you uncomfortable, it is worth making an effort and remain close.
"I know I hurt you. I close ».
We so rarely allow ourselves to enter into this gray zone - a zone of terror and pain - but that is where our roots lie healing. It begins when there are people willing to go with us.
I beg you, do it for your loved ones. You may never even know, but your help will be invaluable. And if you ever get into trouble, get the person ready to be around. I guarantee he can find.
All the rest can go.
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