- When we started the struggle for our eldest son, one psychiatrist us - above all very strange and not helpful - made a huge gift. He spoke about one experiment, conducted somewhere in England (I could be wrong, because all his words).
Moms ill children every night conducted a simple ritual. After the child fell asleep, they were waiting for the active phase of sleep - it's somewhere in fifteen minutes. Then tell your child simple words: «I love you. I'm proud of you. I am very glad that you're my son. You're the best son to me ».
Text about the - all the same.
And compare these with other children - with the same diagnosis, but my mother that nothing they do not whisper in the night. Toddlers receiving mother's nightly confessions of love, recovered much faster. em> That's the magic of the parent.
We almost immediately began to implement it. Much easier - unlike most treatments, it's free, always at hand. At first I said that was put on the script. Then he began to show improvisation. It's been five years and I am still whispering different words his boys. Each of them almost every night.
It's hard to talk about concrete results, but autism in Denmark anymore. And I'm sure that my whisperings played a role. But still there is something that gives me and the children. It is important to understand - the magic works both ways! Get something very important, and mother and child. Everyone is "something important" your.
What gives? The feeling of intimacy with each of the children. It is neither an incomparable feeling. No matter how much they may be years old at the time they sleep like little angels. During the day their case is not so simple hug or hold hands on - they have so much to do! At night, I embrace each one of them, I say that it is important for both of us. And I feel like growing and strengthening our proximity. Individual time for everyone. In the flow of days, I can not always give each personal time. Most often, we are all together as a team. Play, communicate, eat - all together. But at this moment, each of them - especially. Because every word I say different. Based on the fact that now you want and need to say is that the kid. I can tell you something important that day may not be heard. The days are different. Sometimes, from the abundance of information or candy kids can not behave very well, and this complicates our relationship. But at night when I whisper in their ears how much I love them, it's all in the past. The quarrels, misunderstanding, resentment .. The child feels love I once read that the child is often talk of such a phrase: "Do you know that if you could choose, from all the world's children, we would have chosen you." When I first told it to Matthew, he was in awe and wonder at the same time. He went and repeated: "What I really ???". So I realized that it is very important for children to feel that they are special, that they are important and necessary, these are the way they are. Now, along with the phrase "I told you today that I love you?" Firmly established in our lives. Moreover, Matthew - as long as it is the most talkative - in response always says that he would have chosen us as their parents, and certainly would have chosen his brother. keep telling important phrases.
In the constellation of therapy is such a thing as a "permissive phrase" - phrases that we say during placement, and they change the attitude of people treat their souls. The words are usually simple - love, acceptance, regret. So I found that if the important phrases to talk to their children at night, many of the problems solve themselves. For example, the hierarchy in the family.
What phrases are, and what I usually say:
«I am your mother and you are my son." This phrase helps if you do not feel a connection with the child, that psychic connection. And also if you have broken the hierarchy - and it is unclear who is whose mother. «I'm big and you're small." This phrase again on the hierarchy. Besides it helps to grow up in a relationship with the children. Children are very much relaxed when her mother becomes an adult at last. «I give and you take." This is again about the hierarchy of the flow of energy. It helps if the mother of the children tries to energy "pump». «You're the best son to me." Here you can add another child. After all, I have, for example, one son - but three. And each of them is good in its place. «You're just the son who needs us." This helps the child to feel his worth, his "goodness." I especially recommend the ice, your child who constantly compares with others - not in his favor. «You do not have anything for me to do, I love you for what you are." Many indignant. But the phrase is not that you can not wash the dishes. But rather that for me you do not have to bear the generic speakers. «I am very glad that you are." Especially helps those for whom the child was not welcome. «My dad love you very much, you're our son" - the key word here is "ours." It helps if you have a tendency to children drag, draw and share. «You're the same as your father ',' Your dad - best dad for you," "I'll let you love the pope, and to take from it "- if you have a conflict with the child's father, if he is not raising a kid or you're in a quarrel. But even for those parents who are together, the phrase is useful. If the mother does not accept the pope and did not give him a child to engage actively. «I'm sorry." The phrase is suitable, if during the day you had a fight, there was no understanding, punished, frustrated. It is not necessary to beg for forgiveness - it violates the hierarchy. But an apology - and say that you are very sorry, it is worth. «I'm proud of you." Especially helpful when you're trying to do from the child who he is not - and who perhaps never will be. It helps children and for those who are very different from the other - specific, for example. «I love you." Three magic words of all. If they invested that feeling. That is, if you utter not mechanically any syllables and letters, and with all my heart breathe a declaration of love. How to choose the phrase?
You can and should try different. And you will realize what you and the baby is now important and necessary. For example, by itself I noticed that after that phrase, which is very important today is for me, there is - in itself - a deep breath. Something relaxed inside.
The same with the child. When it is important now to hear, for example, that you are proud of him, he breathes out and relaxes. Just watch. Sometimes these signs are not immediately noticeable, sometimes they are not as bright. But usually one criterion - a kind of relaxation.
In pronouncing magical phrases need to be adjusted. We can not, as I said, to do it mechanically. It is important to approach the process with the soul and not on the run. Like, right now three minutes to repeat a piece of paper, and everything will be fine. The most difficult work is going on inside. To words were magic, the magic of this needs to be charged. A charge is necessary for our children is in our heart.
Sometimes, in order to say these simple words, we must first say something like that to my parents (in the heart). I know girls who, during the first sessions were crying over the sleeping baby. From their own children's pain. But because the magic and the magic that it treats. Including ours, mother, heart.
Session should not be long. It's just three to five minutes. But it is very emotionally intense five minutes. It is important to do it regularly, and for a little bit. Small steps. And do not try to once a week three o'clock whisper of love. We eat every day several times, and do not do it just on Sunday, right?
And besides, do not forget to say such phrases and in the afternoon, in between times, without any reason. cuddle them just like that, if passed. Peck head, sitting side by side. This is what the children will remember for a lifetime. And most of all, that is what they will remember.
Do not underestimate the power of the words of the mother. To recognize this, remember what words you remember your mother and now, thirty, forty years. And some of them have been important to you.
This magic is always available to you, not worth the money, you do not need anything special. Just wait until your baby is sweet sniff - and whisper it something important in your ear. «I love you. I'm proud of you. You're the best son a dad to us »
What could be simpler and more magical than the words spoken by heart loving mother? Olga Valyaeva
Photos in the preview: littlepeanutmag.com