Americans in Siberia

Krasnoyarsk. Mid January. The dark night, on the street minus forty. Four Americans first came to Russia. They come out of the glass doors the airport, not knowing what to expect jaunt to "loaf" on the outskirts of the capital city far and frozen overnight in the hut. Generally, of course, they are ready for adventure. They - loggers from Montana, who scored the contractor adventurer Sean Van to open the Russian-American Forestry business. "Going to the Siberian taiga felling trees centenarians" - from the beginning sounded like an adventure and adventure. Even in a crisis Montana, where thirty eight former harvesting complexes in the remaining seventeen, barely found four who choose to sign up for this job. But the guys did not quite imagined that they would.

The first night
They went out into the street and tried to breathe the icy air. The nostrils stuck together, and it did not work right away. Actually, the Russian flavor had a chance to try it even earlier, when the Atmosphere at the airport found no Sean. Instead modestly grew white sheet of paper with the inscription "Shaun Weng" in the hands of a skinny peasant. In English peasant spoke. Gestures he managed to explain that he will take the travelers to spend the night in a rustic lodge. In the next two months, the children had to thoroughly master the art of pantomime, but so far they have no idea about this and have been deeply angered by the fact that Sean had sent them some semi-literate alcoholic.
"Loaf", which manages the host of the party and the Americans offered to download on the contrary, caused almost admiration. All the potholes on the roads were covered with a thick layer of snow, and the car was distinguished for its unusual design will ride.
Zac, the youngest of the team, trying to make out in the dark frozen windows city attractions and constantly called dead tired after the flight companions enjoy them. "We are in Siberia!" - He shouted after each looking into a small thaw window. With this it was impossible to argue. Actually, it was not necessarily even look salon "loaf" with straps hanging from the ceiling (obviously, to keep the passengers from the windows deconfinement) left no doubt.

However, the guys could not even imagine the scale of the main surprise that Sean has prepared for them - "house", they waited in the frozen nights. Turning off the city streets, the car drove through a maze of narrow alleys between tall snowdrifts and stopped in front of a front garden littered with snow. The driver opened the door, "loaf" in darkness and cold and spent the wards along the path to the steps of the classical Russian log hut in the private sector - with a wry nahlobuchennoy rickety roof and walls. First they hit the cool canopy, more like a barn, then the exchange rate has been insulated door that led into the lower room - however, not less than the frozen than the canopy. Its walls were covered with dozens of layers of old newspapers. In the corner whitened oven, but no one even thought to flood in advance. From furniture - fly-bitten and littered with junk mirror ... The onset of Gogol dumb driver was used to add an unexpected touch of European and what is happening in English disappear.

They went out into the street and tried to breathe the icy air. The nostrils stuck together, and it turned out not immediately
Speechless returned to all loggers at once, and they rested helplessly in imperfections of American mat. It became obvious that the advantage of Russian analogue caused solely by the evolutionary reasons. By the way, the children had the opportunity to assess the purely analogue at least phonetically, as close to the door at the same moment heard the sound of a strange fuss and drunken shouts. Someone desperately demanded that Valera unlocked. American ear, all this was seen as an attack by a gang of hooligans. However, it is possible that the Apocalypse of decibels would be in the same range. Armed with a poker, American loggers ready to grab all the forces of evil. But they unexpectedly withdrew, and, judging by the particularly florid tirade last, not quite vertical. Apocalyptic cold, however, is still here.
- I do not feel your fingers! - Jared complained, trying to warm his hands breathing. - We're all going to die!
- Where is Sean? There is not even a phone! What will we do if he does not appear? - Zack asked a logical question. The answer is not in sight.
With barely managed to flood the kids wood burning stove, which were found in the yard (outing there with a poker, against the horsemen of the Apocalypse, is worthy, of course, a separate ballad, but we omit here). Also found on one of the duvet, which were covered loggers, ulegshis row on the floor directly in front of the stove jackets.

The road into the forest
Thanks to the stove, no longer met the morning chill and cool. And the arrival of Sean, who unabashedly appeared in the doorway, not fearing the poker.
- Guys, we have to move very difficult today! - Off the bat he said.
- Wait Shawn that for transcendence * that you do allow yourself? - Agitated guys. - You left us alone here in the cold! With us pretty!
- This is Siberia, my dear. This is not Montana - retorted Sean. - I've worked for seventeen years here as everywhere, and if you want to get a lot of money, which we have agreed with you, you have to get used to these conditions. Of course, if you decide to give up after the first night ... Good riddance!

- Note linguist Phacochoerus'a Funtik:
"According to the letter of the articles of the law number 101-FZ" On Amendments to the Federal Law "On the state language of the Russian Federation," we have to lower the basic stylistic component of the story, which consists in the development of American-Russian obscene language. We will have to use instead the words that at first glance may seem to be abusive, but all are not. As an example, the word "obscene", which is synonymous with the word "obscene". And the "transcendence" (in any case not to be confused with the "transcendence") means "inaccessible to empirical knowledge».
In the end, it really was just an adventure. No one died, and did not even hurt. In the morning everything seemed not so terrible, so talk about the return of their own accord and ceased loggers obediently boarded the "loaf" to go meet another surprise.

Actually, the main surprise was that Sean received his consecutive twenty-seven days ago and promised the owner of the cutting area, the former chief of the labor penal colony Yuri Pinchuk, that in a month will supply the wood. All that time he spent on the recruitment and transportation of the team. Now it was the day to surpass the two hundred kilometers from Krasnoyarsk combine two cutting-edge value of a million dollars that were supposed to show the wonders of the American Russian logging, and another two days in which to get comfortable and start to cut timber. Sean was afraid to imagine what measures can take the former chief of the colony, if the contract is broken, the blank and will not start, and it turns out that the forest month stood idle. I saw him and the bandits on the black taiga "patriot", but Americans prefer not to remember all the circumstances of receipt of the contract.
The second surprise was in Montana loggers acquaintance with the Russian part of the harvesting team - Sean did not bother to explain to the American Trust, which planned international cooperation. Two Russian hard workers who spent all youth wage workers in the logging, hard look at "American dudes" in jeans and membrane jackets. They obviously did not expect anything good international cooperation.

The whole morning was spent on loading equipment on the platform, accompanied by a deepening acquaintance with foreigners Russian obscene language. By noon, the column moved on the highway in the heart of Siberia. Americans watched spellbound from the "loaf", as on icy asphalt roadway snow blizzards flowing rivers. Even more exciting was a sight to overtake on the oncoming truck, aggravated the understanding that the slightest sudden braking on ice will cause a skid.
Dusk caught Novochernorechensky column in the village - the last outpost of civilization before the final 70-kilometer single-lane road, slashing virgin taiga. Then the Americans realized that Sean was not kidding about the Russian conditions: all settlement consisted entirely of "town houses" of the harsh sample in which they had to spend the night before. However, what about the night Sean was a bit different plans. And, to his credit, more exciting. When the trucks stopped at the entrance to the village and climbed to loggers sorokapyatigradusny frost, Sean said:

- Guys, a little ahead of us, but rather a serious obstacle. Just beyond the village of Trans-Siberian railway. Above it - a high-voltage transmission line. Alas, technology platforms below it does not pass, it must be downloaded. And even after we unloaded ... well, in general, between the boom forwarder and wires will be somewhere ten centimeters. And it must be very quickly to pass this place, because, in fact, it is the railway crossing and the train there ... run every two or three minutes.
- Full epistemological dissociation! * - Concluded guys.
- Note linguist Phacochoerus'a Funtik:
"Epistemology - criticism of the idea of ​​knowledge, which is offered as part of ordinary common sense. Dissociation - termination of the association, due, for example, affect; the collapse of associative links. "

In the forest
Miraculously, without hitting the wires zaglohnuv at the crossing before the train coming, after spending a couple of hours under the stuck on a single-lane road KamAZ in the company of his driver and received great sacred knowledge that KAMAZ Russian taiga are got by hitting wrench on the bottom in certain places, tired and linguistically rich American loggers reach their destinations.
Dawn dawn. Right on the road to perfect white snow stood centenary pines. All poured out of the cars and threw back his head, impressed by the height and power of trees.

Unloaded from the van snowmobiles, Russian and US operators into the woods
- Hey, hey! - Shouted Sean. - You see this forest? Here wood half a million dollars! Half a million bucks, who asks in his hands! However, if we do not tear off the contract and the first truck with logs will leave in two days.
The last sentence pretty chilled general euphoria. It was decided to immediately begin to mark the property line and break the base camp.
Unloaded from the van snowmobiles, Sean, Russian Yuri forwarder operator and US operator Jared went deep into the forest. It was a real American approach, which is especially Sean rested: with the help of a full set of special equipment set a rhythm of logging that Russian never dreamed of! Here, for example, that would make Russian? Would put skis and wander all day on the perimeter, spacing the trees. With the help of snowmobiles All this can be done in a few hours.

Meanwhile, the clearing where the planned installation of a base camp, Zack watched in all its glory downside Sean techniques: all the money has been invested in working techniques, and economic aspects of their lives was financed by a residual principle. On a platform just come cabins that were a canonical pattern of Russian gastarbayterskogo comfort: cardboard walls, a pile of garbage, broken benches and rusty stoves inside, even a complete failure roof. Zack looked at it with eyes wide open.
- What Ginnungagap? * - He breathed. - I'm still going to kill Sean!
- Come on, what are you worried? - I patted him on the shoulder Ruslan Russian worker. - Normal! Standard! We all live like that. We are here not to sleep, but to earn money come!
* - Note linguist Phacochoerus'a Funtik:
"Ginnungagap - initial chaos, the abyss of the world in Norse mythology."
When the snowmobile team returned from the forest, it was decided to try to start logging and clear the entrance to the cutting area. The honor to make the first cut was provided by Jared. Rubbing his hands, he climbed into the cab of a timber harvester - a high-tech machine, which cuts down a tree with a hydraulic arm, immediately cleanse it from the branches and cuts in the standard logs. I combine roared Jared announced taiga joyful glee ... and they both drowned again: the car stalled in the first snow bank, which turned out to be covered windbreak.
- Jara Bhairava! * - Declared Jared. - Sean! Where tracks? It's not you will pass on bare wheels!
* - Note linguist Phacochoerus'a Funtik:
"Bhairava - one of the names of Hindu god Shiva, meaning" terrible, withering. "
Caterpillars were ordered a week ago, but according to the old Russian tradition, they still did not have on the site. Sean nervous and practiced in the use of Russian mat on the phone. The machines were plugged, the forest down fast winter twilight. The talks ended in the camp oppressive silence reigned. Loggers sit on the cabins and tried to warm his hands at least burzhuek. The day had to come first machines to a sawmill for the logs, but the team is not Sean spilite even a single tree. It was decided in the morning to start hand-cut timber chainsaws.

For work
At dawn Zach and Ruslan with saws on the shoulders went into the woods. Ruslan looked with interest on the American. Confrontation between the two civilizations was felt in the air. When Zack first example of a tree, located on the Russian cigarette in the neighborhood and began to gain cultural experience. Zack slowly made nadpily around and insert wedges. He wanted to do everything perfectly. And it seemed that the Russian admires the accuracy and precision of his work. When a tree is felled strictly in the selected direction, the Russian threw the bull, spat and gave an emotionally tinged tirade that was clearly far from approval:
- Half an hour per tree? You are so going to work here? There actually charge hourly, and the cubic capacity of the eschatological you horror deuteromycetes unfinished! * See how it!

* - Note linguist Phacochoerus'a Funtik:
"Eschatology - a system of religious beliefs and ideas about the end of the world. Deuteromycetes - imperfect fungi that reproduce only asexually ».
Ruslan example, several oblique cuts pull up a tree in a circle and pushed it nearly to Zack. He stood squinting. It was a complete violation of safety rules, of which he was aware.
- Ninety seconds! - Ruslan announced. - Well? Come on, move!
Zack returned to his neatly rasp pine, and Ruslan literally mad behind him.
- Are you kidding or what? - He cried hysterically American arm.
He also began to wind up, cut all relaxed, and suddenly a tree, despite all the calculations, beginning to fall directly on Ruslan. These second-Siberian Russian vocabulary was enriched by a dozen Zack most slozhnosostavnyh units and instantly reached quite an advanced level. Fortunately, this was the only consequence of an international incident. Russian and American sides faced each other, trembling from the experience stress. Both were scattered in the most diplomatically apologies. Perhaps this was the beginning of a fruitful international cooperation.

When a tree is felled, the Russian threw the bull and gave an emotionally tinged tirade
Meanwhile, from the camp came the jubilant voice of Sean:
- Come back! Caterpillars brought!
It was a day when everything finally happened and worked exactly as planned and dreamed of Sean. Harvesters did not stop for a second, his team worked in shifts all day and all night, and by the end of the first day at the single-lane road stood an imposing pile of logs.

- Get going! - Proudly reported to Sean on the phone owner Pinchuk cutting area. - In the evening you can fit in trucks with a sawmill, as agreed!
By the evening, along with the trucks arrived unexpectedly himself Pinchuk, a man with a straight face prison warden. He slowly, approached the pile of logs beside the road, beside which stood proud Sean.
- What's this? - Softly asked Pinchuk, and pointed to the middle of the log with rotten.
- Balance Beam - honestly answered Sean. - To recycle, recycling. In America, we use ...
- It is not a log, - explained Pinchuk. - We are in Russia, not in America, and what you are here in bulk - this is not a complete log. Saw it will not accept. Sort, do whatever you want, but you're not ready to loading.


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