Authentic histories

One respectable Australian couple went shopping at the local supermarket, and we have had to happen, that their car stalled right at the parking lot in front of the store. Her husband, like a true gentleman, he sent his wife for what came (ie, purchased in the store), and he crawled under the car and began to look selflessly fault. After returning from the store half an hour, his wife found the following picture: around their cars gathered a bunch of grinning mockingly people, and from under the hull protruded a pair of hairy male legs. But the horror was that, like a true Australian, her husband wore shorts without underwear, and everything fell out of his masculine dignity and to stand before the assembled bschestvennostyu in all its splendor. Gulf of thick paint, the wife put the purchase on the floor and a completely business-wheeler "economy" for a place. With a sense of accomplishment, she rose to her feet and stoknulas gaze ... the husband, who watched the scene awesome. A mechanic had to put three stitches on his head ...

In the 60 years of combat aircraft began to establish voice informers (RI). The thing is, in general, ingenuous, a little tape on which pre-recorded all sorts of life-affirming messages like: "Warning! Fire Engine "or" Warning! Failure of the hydraulic system! ". In an emergency, the right message is automatically selected and the pilot hears through STC (Fixed-wing intercom). Since the tape is not recorded on film, and a thin wire, voice quality was quite peculiar. Suffice it to say that the male voice on a recording was impossible, since bass voice reminiscent of the three-liter jar ... Therefore, all messages recorded female voice. The pilots of the Republic of Ingushetia, of course, know, but - theoretically, because Serious failures were rare. And so, in one quiet flight training because of false alarm (it vyyanili then) launched RI and gave the pilot the STC pleasant female voice: "Attention! The fire in the engine! "" Warning! The fire in the engine! "Stunned surprise pilot yelled" Baba aboard !!! "and pulled the lever catapults. Ground combat control after payment of such communication from the board fell into a quiet insanity and could not understand where in the single-seat fighter took the woman and why the pilot stopped the connection ...

Some people have lived the cat. Large such fluffy, terribly clever. And his cat problem is solved directly into the toilet. He would sit on the edge of the tail pipe, pulled a face academic and cultural thing ... so ... just did not use paper. The owners were delighted. Continued this idyll dovolgo a long time, until one tragic day, directly in the process at the cat fell toilet lid, scared him to death ... After this incident, the cat continued to go to the toilet. He also lifted up the tail, writhing smart face ... but he sat down to the muzzle cover.

I have two sisters, cousins. Since the difference between them over a year and they are now in a transitional age (one 11, the other 13) special love between them was observed. Evening. Younger type asleep. Elder dreams of good aloud, such as coming prince on a white Mercedes, take in a luxury villa on the French Riviera ... So they go into the villa. At this point, the youngest opens his eyes, making a scary face and says: "And there I !!!»

I sat on a couple and did laboratory and a number of senior woman with a rate protects laboratory. Teacher with small deffekt speech ...
Teacher:
 - A eeto have vasch schto ??? Well it is clear ...
 - ...
 - And this?
 - ...
 - Have lived, devufka learns cheytveytom kuyse and does not know what ...
atyibut In three minutes, a deathly silence.
Then she ran out of the audience and back does not nourish for over 30 minutes ...

Hearing this story yesterday SKY Radio. She told me what - that Mme. The essence of the story in the following: The family went to pick mushrooms in the car and take with a watchdog in order to protect the machines in the absence of the owners. And the dog locked in a car, and owners with peace of mind wandered through lesu.Vozvraschayutsya the car a couple of hours and see the big picture - All four wheels stolen, and a note by the janitor, "The dog is not to blame! She barked! »

This story was told to me by a friend, so I will speak as if from his face. Meal with a friend on the ring road (we Yekaterinburg), near the bridge before the Siberian tract slows me GIBDDshniki. To the question: "Why?" - Answers - "For the belt." A belt is buckled my back was about 200 meters (I can smell these brothers ahead of time).
Showing wearing a seat belt. "Documents!" - Give. GIBDDshniki looks into the cabin and begins to carefully sniff for alcohol. And we in the receiver "Nashe Radio" plays. There they have a contest for Japanese trestishya - Hoku. And just at the moment when the sergeant closely inspects the interior with his head out the window of the radio hear the verse: "There was a bandit. I had all that you need. Why become a cop? "Naturally, everyone in the cabin with both hands clamped her mouth to explode and quietly slip under the seat. GIBDDshniki returns documents that departs and muttered under his breath: "But we already have everything you need." Inside - a blast!

Saturday. Late evening. To make up things at work and completely dead, get out from the computer. So, you know, after 14 hours of sitting at a computer eyes not looking, the head is not thinking, and hands and feet do not listen for 20 minutes ... After a long sitting blood rushes to the head, making it a little spinning ... I came out in a long, narrow corridor, much light hits the eye, though he is not very bright. I go quietly, absolutely confident that the building no one except protection, cutting backgammon near the turnstiles at the entrance, no. Half of the corridor has already passed, stare at the black digital clock hanging right in the middle of the corridor on the ceiling - 22:57, without dropping an eye on them, I go, it is not necessary to screw up my head ... I lower my head and, accordingly, the eyes ... And only 10 cm by myself I see the face of the cleaner, who suddenly was taxiing from the side cabinets with a bucket ... Remember in the old fairy tales Milyar played all sorts of attendants-ёzhek ... Now !!! I knew who he was playing! Unexpected moments in thrillers as compared with what I experienced at that moment - complete bullshit ... As I screamed !!!
I do not know why - not because it was terrible, unexpectedly, and not yelling earlier in critical situations, and then ... And then the desire to live, to love, to learn, to work on this beautiful planet overwhelmed me ... Then I got a mop on his head . This is somewhat sobered me, brought to life. Loud breathing and wheezing, did not find anything dumber than to ask:
 - Well, I'll go?
Answer granny was philosophically accurate:
 - Well, if nothing else to say you do not want ...

One day, my mother bought in the market of toilet paper and when I started to put it in a bag behind the voice sounded male (M):
Soft?
Mother, taken aback, responds:
Soft, soft :)
M: And what I did last time and took everything to the blood istёr!
Mom in shock looking at the shop, and she barely holding back laughter.
He turns around, and the man at this time toothbrush touches :)))
We recall a year the story and laugh

The all-night drugstore, where I work, comes in the night a young man, apparently with a severe flu. Eyes tears flowing from his nose, cracked lips ... On the general state of health, you can guess. With difficulty focusing the eyes, it takes a full set of antipyretics and analgesics, drops, pshikalku throat ... And the debt, and goes to the door (automatic, photocell). Good - the door is not opened. He retreats a few steps and then fit. The door does not respond. Man repeats the maneuver. No effect. Here it is suitable for guard and pulling the door says:
 - Sorry, stuck now mend!
Man (hoarsely):
 - I thought ... all dead ...

They told me to work in the winter. Day, Moscow, traffic on Leninsky Prospekt. Red light. At the head of the stream near there are two foreign cars.
Looking closely, you will notice that both behind the wheel of a girl and the girl is clearly willing to face off. So, flashing cross lights, all throw on gas, the green light, screeching tires and ... a foreign car, leaving footprints on the pavement, breaks and flies forward, and the second with the same effects flies back and cabbage breaks nose stood there in no surrender VAZ-2109

And recently in our neighborhood supermarket robbed the night. Sellers managed to press the right button, the cops rolled almost immediately, the bandits entrenched inside gunfire, but some sluggish - at first the cops shoot once and then shout something like "give up bl @ de! Come out with your hands up! ", Then three minutes to four back and shot a message such as" go to x% d, bitches! All you have to shoot & B & no mother! "In general, all of ammo save. We are neighbors, of course, sticks out on the balcony - still would be a fun! This went on for about thirty minutes, and then on top of dissatisfied women scream:
 - Well as you can tolerate! Kill them and let people sleep !!!
A moment of silence, then one of the cops asked in megaphone:
 - Woman, you said it to them or us?
I still do not understand how no one fell from the balcony! :)))

It happened 10 years ago, in the city of Tula. While I studied in the Tula Polytechnic Institute, and as a student, often I went to the hostel by tram. Trams then went to the old, sleek, and most importantly - red (very important). So. The story itself.
It comes in the back door man. Drunk in the trash, but kept on his feet. And the most interesting thing is that his hands were in his pockets. It should falter. Then he decides to go ahead. It should be noted that the half-empty tram - occupied only seats (because early in the morning). So, the little man begins to move forward in the course of the tram. At this point, the tram gets under way. Following the laws of physics and the Earth's gravity, the cerebellum peasant gives orders to his body lean forward, so that it (the body) has not fallen back. Leaning forward from vertical to 30 degrees, without taking his hands out of his pockets, little man continues to move forward. It takes about a third of the car, after which the tram immediately after the acceleration (not weak) dramatically slows down I do not know for what reason. What happened next, many have guessed. :-) Essno, hands in his pockets confused :-) But he fell face on the floor, no :-) trying to keep his balance, he began to run forward, and at speeds close to the speed of frenzied antelope. But to escape without taking your hands out of your pocket is still difficult, and even when the alcohol in the brains bubbling. As a result, his feet stumbling, he falls on the belly, passing it the rest of the car and calls in his head through the open door motorman - or rather, the motorman :-) When removing hands from his pockets, and even lying on the floor, he says: "Madam, I'm just oh u @% s from your Ferrari! »:-)

He told his wife.
Goes, then the subway. Near rimeetenochek pascazhirnichayut with his mother.
Moreover, the baby is three years old, not more. By all indications - female origin. Train pulls into the station, and there, I must admit, zavsegda not that stinks, but just did, I apologize, stinks. In the summer of sewer burst, and a little before reaching the station begins a gas attack, the people of Kiev knows. So, come to the coveted part of the place and there is a miniature work of nature declares his sonorous voice to the whole car:
 - Mom, what are you becstydnitsa. Why have you farted? I always teach not fart in public, and she ...
Every second was beginning to stink more and this mini copy of the human species uttered the following items:
 - Mom, you're not farted, you just perdnula!
Pascazhiry other cars rather puzzled rygochuschuyu looked at the crowd, coming out on to the platform.

This tragic accident occurred in the days and SSSRa KPSSa. I worked as a parasite of Petroleum in the glorious republic of Kazakhstan. The company stood in the steppe. Of all the amenities - it knocked together from boards per toilet seat. Summer. Heat 35 - 40 degrees. According to the law "meanness" we had one practitioner mechanic-gynecologist who always inventing something. Uses of its innovations was no, but it is pleasing if not happened harm. But it was not always so. So far, it remains a mystery what considerations is stuffed poured into the pit toilet bucket of gasoline ...
So. Lunch break. We sit and digest eaten argue about eternal. In the view labeled toilet.
At this time it is sent to a close friend of our hero brawler, alcoholic and avid kurilshik. He walks to the bathroom, takes off his pants, sits down, takes out a match-cigarette lights up. Throws burning matches into the opening ... You hear a terrible explosion. Toilet door pulls out for her with a wild howl and steaming ass falls serun. At the same time, varieties of flies into the air. In its place is formed mushroom nuclear explosion. In the midst of which, with gamma radiation, the contents of the sump.
Try seeing on an "umbrella" rain trying to escape. However, the time to straighten up, get up and put on the pants remains. So desperate attempts to save a jerk on all fours, with a bare ass and burned. To the delight of appreciative audience, she can not! All the space in a radius of 30 meters, including fugitive filled with excrement. Object quickly restored, but his dismissal experimenter avoided by

As my friend taught a dog to bark at the doorbell:
My husband (a pretty solid man with a bald head and bpyushkom, weighing about 100 kg) grew at about dvepi chetvepenki. My wife went out and rang the dvep husband barked, his wife entered and gave her husband a piece sypa husband chewed and ppichmokival. Dog smotpela them as idiots.
When syp ended, they changed. wife stpoynaya and elegant woman stood on chetvepenki have dvepi, and her husband went out and began to call to dvep wife barked otkpyval dvep husband, wife gave pieces of sausage. DURING He even kicked the dog, which was then ppodolzhaet smotpet them as idiots. When my wife grind two kilogpamma sypyh sausages napezanyh small pieces and ohpipla from barking, and her husband, vymatepivshis said "no, it is useless, FROM DORA barking learns", and they both went into the room, the dog ran rushed to the kitchen, I ppivolokla out a full bowl with mound kopmom it dry, I put peped suppugami and sat on kovpik, tpebuya ppodolzheniya show

We have a lecturer at the Institute (sha), let's call her Z. Pretty old grandmother, years 80. And now the story itself.
And this is Grandma have higher mathematics and therefore a long and tedious stands at the blackboard, reading a lecture on the book. The people, as always, busy with their own affairs, not the people to granny. Draw a flourish on the board, C turns to us and asks:
 - How does a member get into the end of the period?
After a moment of dead silence is heard Homeric laughter throughout the audience! Z. apparently offended and adds:
 - So I'll finish and see who will laugh!
Followers slides under the table ...

Recently I came to visit a friend. She lived somewhere for a week, one day came the following dialogue (I asked her shirt to stroke):
 - In general, for what you ... I came to you?
 - For my;)
 - That's right, not a shirt ironed !!!

Familiar story. Her friend went for tests at a local clinic. A few days later comes the result: "could not open bank»

Today witnessed the following scene.
In the video: client manager, a young guy checking the girl returned the tape, sternly asks:
 - You know that you have a delay?
She responds with a smile:
 - In principle, I guess ...

He said one old friend, do not believe that I simply do not make sense. Since he works as a surgeon in one of the capital's maternity hospital, I apologize for some of the narrative naturalism. And if you allow me, I will tell this story worthy of a first-person.
It appears so. She gave birth we have one business and pampered girl, 23-25 ​​years old. She gave birth to the first time. The doctors promised her that she would have a baby ~ 3kg.300gr. But ... she gave birth to a baby weighing since 4030 and the first deliveries and the pelvis is narrow - broken (I think that you will understand the meaning of the term). And sew it to me. But this prehistory.
So. I sew it. She moans - painful though. But hold on.
But after a while (I warned you about her businesslike and tenderness) in a tired voice says literally:
 - Doctor! You would me a novocaine injected !!!
You, I think, represent both in our hospitals with medicines, and especially painkillers, so my answer to you is clear
 - No Novocain!
To which I received a reply, which barely able to complete the operation:
 - Well Blow THOUGH !!!

I come back home yesterday pozdnenko night in a minibus. Little gazelki, there is no space. Arguing that in a couple of stops someone will come out, the driver allows one to go blonde standing, or rather ... gazelki still ... on bent.
Behind me - a couple of drunken students, quietly flowing into the stupor of still life appeared: Lower mini shorts over seductively sparkling "Levante" on top of the neckline.        
Like what? What? What? Okay.