Hitler and all-all-all

Once upon a time - it seems to be in the past, and maybe even the year before - Hitler lived in Europe under the name Schicklgruber.
 - What do you mean he lived under the name of? - Immediately I asked the historian.
 - This means that on the plaque above the door was written in German and white: Alois Schicklgruber, and he lived under it.
 - He probably himself did not understand - said the historian.
 - Just ... I understand - upset rustled from the far corner of the ghost with characteristic mustache.
 - Then I'll go on, - said history.

One day, walking through Europe, Hitler went to Poland, and found on the edge of the Polish big-very big Soviet Union, but in the depths of the Union someone swearing loudly: Mother Mother Mother Mother ...
Hitler had his head in his hands and began to think.
At first he thought: "This is the mother of the mother-mother - not without reason! In vain one would not swear. The Union itself can not swear. So someone out there mother. Why do you swear, if you are not Russian? I think so! »
Then he had thought and thought, and said to his generals (they have always swirled around him, even though he walked one): "Why in the world Russian? To pump oil. I think so! »
Then he climbed to the podium, stood in a beautiful pose and shouted accidentally gathered around German soldiers and officers:
 - And what in the world oil prices? For the prosperity of the great German nation! I think so, and not otherwise!
And with these words he climbed the Union.
He climbed and climbed and climbed all, and on the way he sang a little song to himself, which someone once why some (but very much the case) composed. Here's how:
Deutschland, Deutschland über alles,
Über alles in der Welt,
wenn es stets zu Schutz und Trutze
brüderlich zusammenhält.
In truth, Hitler was already rather tired. But he was already climbing very, very little. That is only to climb over the Dnieper - and ...
Trrah!
 - Mom, my dear! - Called Hitler as an antipersonnel mine jerked under his very nose.
 - Oh, and why I just ... - he murmured when his rear something blew guerrillas.
 - Why, I did not want to do anything s ... - he tried to explain, tangled in barbed wire and turned over upside down.
 - And all because of that - he admitted finally, when conveyed greetings to the local marshes and smoothly stuck near Smolensk - all due to the fact that I too love the fatherland!
Hitler managed to climb out of Smolensk, shook out the fragments of antennae and thought again.
And the very first thing he thought of his friend Hermann.
So Hitler went to his friend Herman, who lived in a small house in Berlin.
 - Guten Morgen, Hermann!
 - Guten Morgen, Hitler!
 - I wonder whether you have accidentally tank?
 - Tank?
 - Yes, I just went and thought: "Do not you have accidentally Herman tank?" I was just wondering.
 - Why did you have a tank?
Hitler looked back, and making sure that the generals are recorded, said the terrible whisper:
 - Oil.
 - What about?
 - Oil! - Repeated Hitler.
 - Who is it goes for the oil tanks? No, I understand it, with the canister, with a tank at last, but ...
 - I go! - Hitler spoke passionately.
Well, just before the German was at a party at his friend Heinz and there all guests were given tanks. Herman got a brand new, experimental, T-IV, and one of his subordinates and informers Walter - training, even before the war, TI, but this slave and informers did not take, because he was very secret, and the tank would have issued it, so Germany came, so be it, bring along both tanks.
 - What do you like more? - Said Herman.
Hitler had his head in his hands and thought deep down.
 - That's what the story - he said. - If you want to get the oil, the main thing that you do not saw through Russian. And so, therefore, if the tank is old, they might think, sitting there some stray student, and not see through it. If the tank is new, they may think that there sits a lost test, and also did not see through.
 - And do you think they will not notice you in the tank?
 - Maybe notice or maybe not - said Hitler. - Did you know that the Russian comes into my head? - He thought a moment and added: - I'll pretend like I'm very secret techniques from the very top-secret factory. Then they just do not guess!
 - Then you'd better get a new tank - said Herman.
And the issue was resolved.
They took with them T-IV, and went camping.
Hitler first of all climbed into the engine compartment of the tank and how to ugvazdalsya grease and grime to become very, very dirty, like a very secrecy technician. Then he climbed into the tank, and the German brewed all hatches - just in case - you never know what to expect from Russian. They then started the engine and the tank went smoothly in the Union, and stopped there - just in front of Moscow.
 - Heil Hitler! - Herman cried.
 - What's great? - I shouted into the radio Hitler. - Well, who do I look like?
 - With the greatest leader of the German nation of all time, riding on a tank naisovremenneyshy to conquer the whole world! - Faithfully answered Herman.
 - And on the very top-secret technology with a very top-secret plant does not like? - Hitler asked anxiously.
 - Not really.
 - Well, maybe on the other side it is more like. And then, do you know what comes to mind Russian!
But here on the tank fell off track and got stuck near Moscow, Hitler perfectly still. He could see on the map where Russian oil, he could plan how lucky this oil to Germany for the benefit of the Third Reich, but to get the oil, alas, he could not.
Some time later, he again went on the air.
 - Hermann! - He shouted in a whisper.
 - Heil Hitler!
 - In my opinion, Russian suspect something.
 - What is it?
 - I do not know. Only, in my opinion, they are behaving suspiciously!
 - Maybe they think you want to capture them and turn them all into slaves?
 - Maybe so. Did you know that the Russian comes into my head!
Newly arrived a short silence. And again he heard the voice of Hitler.
 - Herman!
 - Heil Hitler!
 - Do you have a home yagdgeshvader?
 - There seems to be.
 - Then I beg you: fitting it here, let loitering up and down, and he looked up at the sky and says: "Ty-mu-mu, it seems, Americans have become arrogant, as if they were my experimental tank is not broke!". I think we better then Russian believe that we do not want to capture.
 - Yavol, mein Fuhrer!
Herman went home for yagdgeshvaderom.
 - You only death to send! - Called Hitler as soon as Herman returned. - I was beginning to fall a little bit mad. I noticed that the Russian behave very suspicious!
 - So yagdgeshvader deploy directly over you, or just the side?
 - Right above me, but wait a minute. We must act for sure. The most important thing - is to deceive the Russian Stalin. You can see it from there?
 - Not at all, my Fuhrer!
 - Sorry, sorry. Well, then you lift yagdgeshvader, and I will sing about friendship between peoples and the general similarity of the Aryan type with the Slavic - so, probably sing all who does not want to seize Russian.
Herman began racing yagdgeshvader around and say that it seems the Americans have become arrogant, and began to push Hitler speech.
True, brewed from all sides of the tank it was heard bad, and on the radio, he did not dare to push them, so that their text to our time is not reached.
But the Russian, oddly enough, the mother of all suspicion and suspicion. Many of them even got out of Moscow and began to counterattack secret around the tank. And one sat on the Russian armor, scratched with a nail "Vasya was here" and immediately ran on.
 - Hermann! - Shouted secret technique.
 - Heil Hitler!
 - I thought and thought and finally understood. Russian This is wrong!
 - Yes?
 - It is wrong! And they're probably wrong oil pump! A correct swing in the Middle East, right?
 - How will my Fuhrer!
 - Exactly. Then I, probably, better get out of here.
 - But as? - Said Herman.
This was Hitler more just did not think. After a tank stirred up all the hatches, just in case, so out of it he can not. This thought he did not like. Then he again how to think and said:
 - Herman, you have a home Rudel?
 - Yes, my Fuhrer!
 - Then drag it here!
Herman ran home for Rudel and began his target.
 - Herman, where you tselishsya? - Was heard from the radio.
 - In Russian, of course.
There was no answer, but the radio Hermann climbed foam. A few minutes later came the foam through:
 - Idiot!
 - Yavol, mein Fuhrer!
 - Let him podobёt tank!
 - But if he podobёt tank - you will suffer damage.
 - And if he does not podobёt - damage will be caused to all the Great Reich! And then you personally - when I get out of this damn piece of iron!
Of course, this German immediately knew how to do. He carefully, to tears, instructed Rudel and shoved it into the sky.
 - Oh oh oh! - I cried Hitler.
 - Have I missed? - Said Herman.
 - You! .. You hit, Herman! - Roared into the radio Hitler. You have no idea how you got! I have now the tower is not rotated!
 - Please forgive me - said Herman, and again shoved Rudel in the air.
This time he did not miss. In the tank something has fallen off, and Hitler out of it somehow got out.
Again greeted antipersonnel mines, the guerrillas, barbed wire, swamps and an eerie Russian frost, Hitler returned to Europe. True, the roof had completely gone, because he had so much time to sit in a tank with brewed hatches. A year after the incident at the mere mention of tanks on his lips he appeared foam and eyes became quite wild. And Heinz, he then completely fell out. Because of what - it is unclear.