Why it’s important to follow the “no contact” rule after a breakup

Breaking up is one of the most painful life experiences, comparable in stress level to the loss of a loved one. At this point, each of us is looking for ways to relieve pain and return to normal life as quickly as possible. Paradoxically, one of the most effective methods of healing requires us to completely abandon what we most want – contact with an ex-partner.

Research shows: 73% of people who followed the “no contact” rule for 30 days reported a significant improvement in their emotional state, while only 23% of those who maintained contact with their ex-partners reported a significant improvement.

The Scientific Basis of the No Contact Rule
To understand why the complete cessation of contact is so effective, it is necessary to understand the neurobiology of attachment. When we fall in love, our brain produces a cocktail of dopamine, oxytocin and norepinephrine, neurotransmitters that create a sense of euphoria and deep attachment.
Dr. Helen Fisher, an anthropologist at Rutgers University, compares romantic love to drug addiction. The areas of the brain that are activated when you think about a loved one are the same as when you use cocaine or heroin.

After a breakup, the brain continues to crave these neurochemical rewards. Every message, call, or meeting with an ex-partner triggers a release of dopamine, temporarily relieving pain, but simultaneously increasing addiction and delaying the healing process.

Psychological mechanisms of healing
Breaking of traumatic ties
Psychologists have identified several key mechanisms by which the “no contact” rule promotes healing:
Breaking the cycle of hope and disappointment. Every contact with a former partner feeds the illusion of a possible reunion, which prevents the psyche from accepting the reality of a breakup.

Activating the grieving process. It is only by fully realizing the loss that we can go through all stages of grief and achieve acceptance.

Re-establishing identity. In relationships, we often lose a part of ourselves. Lack of contact allows you to rediscover your identity.


The phenomenon of “emotional roller coaster”
Mark, a 32-year-old marketing manager, said: After breaking up with my girlfriend, I texted her every day. Sometimes she responded friendly, sometimes cold, and sometimes ignored altogether. It was like a drug - I couldn't stop, even though I felt worse every time. It was only when I completely stopped communicating that I was able to start living again.
It's important to understand: Maintaining contacts after a breakup creates the effect of "intermittent reinforcement" - the strongest type of psychological addiction used in gambling and social networks.

Practical guidance on compliance with the rule
Preparatory phase
Before you completely stop contacts, you need to prepare psychologically and practically:
Digital detoxification:
• Remove your phone number from your contacts (but write it down separately in case of emergency)
• Block or hide social media profiles
• Ask your friends not to talk about your ex-partner’s life.
• Remove from sight all reminders of the relationship

Overcoming temptations
The desire to connect with your ex-partner will arise constantly, especially in the first weeks. Psychologists recommend several strategies:
20 Minutes technique: When you feel the urge to write or call, set a timer for 20 minutes and engage in any activity. Most often during this time, the intensity of emotions decreases significantly.

Anna, a practicing psychologist, shares her experience with clients: I always tell my clients: imagine if you have a broken leg and the doctor told you not to step on it for a month. Every time you step “a little bit,” you prolong the healing time. The same thing happens with emotional trauma. ?

Time frames and exceptions
Recommended periods
Most psychologists agree that the minimum period of “no contact” should be 30 days. However, the optimal duration depends on several factors:
Short relationships (up to 6 months): 30-60 days
Average relationships (6 months – 2 years): 60-90 days
Long-term relationships (more than 2 years): 90-180 days
Relations with joint children: Minimize contacts to the minimum required

Reasonable exceptions
There are situations where complete cessation of contact is impossible or unethical:
• Shared children (contact only on education)
• Joint ownership or financial obligations
• Work in one company (minimization to professional level)
• Medical emergencies

Positive developments and results
Short-term effects (1-4 weeks)
The first positive changes usually become noticeable after 2-3 weeks of following the rule:
• Reducing anxiety and obsessive thoughts
• Improving sleep quality
• Interest in other areas of life
• Stabilization of the emotional state
Long-term benefits (1-6 months)
A 2019 study of 500 divorce survivors found the following results for 3 months:
89% of participants reported full acceptance of separation
76% felt ready for a new relationship
68% reported improved self-esteem and self-confidence
82% did not regret the decision to stop contact

Alternative support strategies
Following the “no contact” rule doesn’t mean you have to go through pain alone. There are many healthy ways to get support:
Professional assistance: Psychologists and psychotherapists specialize in dealing with breakup injuries and can suggest individual coping strategies.
Support groups: Talking to people experiencing similar experiences can help you feel less alone and get practical advice.
Close friends and family: It is important not to isolate yourself, but to actively connect with people who love and support you.

Self-help techniques
Elena, 28, shared her experience: Instead of writing to an ex, I started keeping a diary. Every time I wanted to contact him, I wrote a letter that I never sent. It helped me sort out my feelings and gradually let go of the past.
“Sometimes what seems cruel is actually the greatest manifestation of self-compassion.”

Conclusion
The “no contact” rule may seem like a radical and painful solution, but its effectiveness has been confirmed both by scientific research and by the experience of thousands of people who have successfully survived a breakup. This is not a manifestation of weakness or cruelty – it is an act of self-preservation and care for your mental health.
Remember, the purpose of the rule is not to permanently exclude a person from your life, but to give yourself time and space to heal. Only by fully healing your emotional wounds will you be able to make sound decisions about the future, whether it’s the possibility of a friendship with your ex or the openness to a new love.
Remember: Every day of following this rule is an investment in your future happiness and emotional well-being. The pain is temporary, but the lesson you learn from the experience will stay with you forever.

Glossary
dopamine A neurotransmitter responsible for feelings of pleasure and motivation. Plays a key role in the formation of attachment and dependence.

Oxytocin A hormone known as the attachment hormone. It is developed through physical contact and contributes to the formation of emotional connections.

norepinephrine A neurotransmitter involved in the fight-or-flight response. In the context of a love relationship is responsible for feelings of excitement and euphoria.

Intermittent reinforcement A psychological mechanism in which rewards are given irregularly, creating the strongest form of addiction.

Traumatic linkage Psychological attachment that occurs in toxic relationships through cycles of punishment and reward.

Stages of grief The sequence of emotional states in the experience of loss: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.

Self-identity A person’s awareness of himself as a unique person, including ideas about his qualities, values and goals.

Emotional regulation The ability to manage your emotions, control their intensity and duration.