What’s more important, “I want” or “should”?

Desire and duty are two forces that, like stars and black holes, attract and repel us in the endless dance of the inner world. They shape our decisions, shape our behavior, and often confront us with a choice: follow our passion or obey our obligations. This conflict is universal. From the student torn between partying and exam preparation, to the adult choosing between the dream of traveling and the need to pay the bills, each of us faces this inner struggle. What's more important? Is it possible to find harmony between these two elements?

Why do I want to and should conflict?
Desire is the spark that sparks our imagination. It is the voice of the heart that whispers of dreams, passions and freedom. According to research by psychologist Daniel Gilbert, author of Stumbling About Happiness, our desires are often associated with short-term pleasure and personal satisfaction. But debt is the anchor that holds us back. It involves responsibility, social expectations, and long-term goals. Psychology explains this conflict through the theory of self-regulation: our brain is constantly balancing between a system of reward (desire) and a system of control (commitment).

Imagine Anna, a 30-year-old marketer. She dreams of opening her own coffee shop, but her current job requires full commitment: deadlines, meetings, recycling. Her “want” is creative freedom and her own business, and “should” is a stable income and career growth. This internal divide causes stress, which, according to the World Health Organization, affects more than 300 million people with anxiety disorders each year.

The conflict between “want” and “should” is not just a choice. It is a struggle between instant pleasure and long-term stability, between freedom and responsibility.


How do we reconcile desire and duty?
Step 1: Identify your true desires
The first step to harmony is to understand what you really want. Often our desires are disguised as social expectations or imposed stereotypes. Psychologist Abraham Maslow in his pyramid of needs emphasized that true desires are associated with self-realization, not with the external attributes of success. Ask yourself, “If I had no limitations, what would I choose?” Write your thoughts in a journal. This exercise helps to separate your personal aspirations from external pressures.



Step 2: Rethink your "should"
Commitments often seem inevitable, but many of them are choices we made unconsciously. For example, debt to family or work can be reformulated. Instead of “I have to work until night,” try “I choose to work until night to provide for my family.” This approach, proposed by cognitive behavioral therapy, helps to regain control of the situation. Make a list of your “shoulds” and consider which ones you can delegate or minimize.

Step 3: Find common ground.
Desire and duty are not always the opposite. Sometimes they can work together. For example, Anna, from our example, could start small: open a pop-up coffee shop on weekends, keeping the main job. Research from the Harvard Business Review shows that people who find ways to integrate their passions into everyday life feel 20% more satisfied. Try to find a compromise: set aside time for a hobby, start a side project or learn new skills in your spare time.

• Create a schedule where there is room for both “want” and “should.”
• Use the “small steps” method: do one action a day that brings you closer to your dream.
• Discuss your commitments with loved ones to find support or share responsibilities.

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Life hacks for the balance between “want” and “should”
To make your internal conflict less destructive, here are some practical tips:

• 5-minute technique: If you can’t take a step towards your dream, start with 5 minutes a day. Do you want to write a book? Write for 5 minutes. Do you want to run? Run for 5 minutes. Small actions reduce pressure and create a habit.
• 80/20 method: Dedicate 80% of your time to responsibilities and 20% to desires. This ratio, based on the Pareto principle, helps maintain balance.
• Decomposition of objectives: Break down your dreams and responsibilities into small, achievable tasks. This reduces the feeling of overload.
• Mindfulness meditation: The practice of mindfulness, confirmed by research from the University of Oxford, reduces stress and helps you better understand your true desires.

The story of Steve Jobs, who combined work at Apple with calligraphy, shows how passion can become a part of your career. His “want” led to the creation of unique fonts for Mac.


What should I avoid?
The conflict between “want” and “should” can lead to burnout if you ignore one side. Constantly suppressing desires for the sake of commitment causes apathy, and ignoring debt can lead to chaos in life. Psychologists at Yale University warn that complete submission to one side destroys inner harmony. Avoid:

• Perfectionism: The desire to be perfect in everything increases conflict.
• Instead of blaming yourself for indecision, accept that conflict is part of human nature.
• Ignoring emotions: Repressed desires or feelings of guilt for unfulfilled debt accumulate and lead to stress.

Conclusion: Harmony is possible
Desire and duty are not enemies, but two sides of the same coin. They shape our lives, making it rich and multifaceted. Finding a balance between them means accepting yourself and your priorities. Start small: identify what you want, rethink your commitments, and find common ground. Remember Anna's story? She started one day a week for her dreams and a year later opened her coffee shop, keeping her stability. Your life is your choice, and only you decide how to reconcile these two elements.

Glossary
Self-regulation
The process of managing your thoughts, emotions and behaviors to achieve goals. Researched in psychology as the key to the balance between desires and obligations.
Maslow's pyramid
Motivation theory, proposed by Abraham Maslow, describes the hierarchy of human needs from basic to self-realization.
mindfulness
Mindfulness practice aimed at focusing on the moment, reducing stress and improving decision-making.
The Pareto Principle
The 80/20 rule states that 20% of efforts produce 80% of results. It is used to optimize time and resources.