How to Forgive Your Parents

Children idealize their parents. They suffer bitterly when they are disappointed. Feeling resentment, anger, fear.

Is it possible to forgive parents? And how do you do that right? This was told by psychologist, publicist and teacher Lyudmila Petranovskaya.



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Resentment against parents

1. Try not to forgive, but to understand.
   “They had no resource. Remember that parents had a very difficult life - work, lack of money, getting food, time-consuming life, standing in lines. The severely exhausted parents were not psychologically sensitive and gave their children the resources they needed.” “They were young and inexperienced. Sometimes it’s helpful to remember how old your parents were at that time. They were often 25-26 years old, inexperienced and insecure.”
   
   
   
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2. "Don't be silent."
   “If you feel resentment towards your parents, don’t be silent about it. You can't help admitting that you were sick. For a very long time, this topic was taboo and there was only one answer to everything: “Parents are holy people, they raised you and gave you life, they should be loved, respected and not complain” or “If you were bad, it’s your fault.”
   
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3. “Don’t run around with childhood injuries all your life.”
   “This is the other extreme. It would be good not to spend your whole life complaining about your parents and explaining all your failures to them. Try not to live your whole life under the banner of “an alcoholic’s child,” “a person your mother didn’t love,” or “a person who was beaten as a child.” Sometimes such a period of trauma is necessary, but it would be good if it ended.” “When we were children, we had no choice whether we would be hurt or not. And now we have a choice — we can leave the trauma just as an experience or let the trauma shape our identity.
   
   “If you can’t get away with it on your own – contact a therapist, do not live in this state for years.”
   
   
   
   
   
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4. “Try to talk about child abuse with your parents.”
   “Should we try to tell parents that they were wrong? Sometimes it helps. Parents have become calmer, wiser, they are not as exhausted as before.” “They are already raising grandchildren and often discover the qualities of warmth and acceptance. Some of them are already ready for such a conversation. Sometimes they can acknowledge and regret past mistakes. This could be the beginning of a new warm relationship.”
   
   
   
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5. Sometimes recognition of responsibility is necessary.
   “This is mainly in cases where there has been a serious abuse by parents. Just admit it was. This recognition can often be the only condition that children agree to continue to communicate with their parents.” I have to say it bluntly: ‘It’s very important to me that you acknowledge what it was. I don’t need an apology, but it’s important that no one pretends I made it up.
   
   
   
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6. Give them the right not to admit their mistakes.
   “If parents defend themselves and say, ‘We did the right thing, you’re the ungrateful one,’ they have the right to do it.” You have your own picture of the world and they have theirs. Sometimes their psyche denies and displaces everything. Re-educating a person at 70 is a bad idea. But often this means that there will be no close relationship between you.”
   
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7. "Pity yourself little."
   “When we receive resentment from our parents, we are in the position of a very small being. You're not a judge, just a little kid with no choice. And when we think about whether to forgive or not to forgive, we assume a responsibility that we do not and could not have. We cannot be older than our parents, we cannot judge them from above.”” “We can acknowledge our feelings and, out of today's adult state, feel sorry for ourselves. Explain to your child that you can’t do this to children so that he hears it from someone who is an adult.”
   
   
   
   
   
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8. "Let yourself be sad."
   “At some point you have to allow yourself to be sad and admit that something you did not have as a child and will not have. Because your parents just couldn't give it to you. This could make it easier.”
   
   
   
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9. Don’t expect your parents to change.
   “Very often, behind the pretensions to parents is the child’s hope that the parents will change – the father will finally praise and the mother will finally love. And mom and dad didn’t praise or love just because they weren’t capable of it. They have their own difficult childhoods, their own circumstances and their own psychological profile.”
   
   
   
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10. Learn to translate the love language of your parents.
    “Rarely are there parents who are incapable of giving anything, but only criticize and reject. Sometimes their love language is just not the language we want to hear. We wait for good words, and their love is to bake us pies and feed us to the dump. “You must learn to translate them into your own language. Let’s say your mother is always grunting, but she cooks you endless borscht and washes the dishes. Here are her cakes, borscht and dishes and is her "I love you."
    
    
    
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11. Sometimes criticism is also a concern.
    “Endless criticism is such a parental amulet. It seems that if you constantly tell a child what is wrong with him, then he will eventually understand everything and will continue to do the right thing. If you look at it that way, it won't destroy you like that. We must learn to treat it as a caring thing.”
    
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12. If your parents are no longer alive, your claims won’t hurt them.
    “When we resent, we resent not today’s parents, but those parents who were then, at the time of the resentment. Sometimes the departed are idealized and it seems forbidden to think ill of them or make claims against them.” “But if they have already left, your claims will not harm them in any way, and that may help you. Sometimes it is necessary to express anger and grievances to discover the ability to love. If you remove the offense, you can deal with the warm part of the relationship that you had.”
    
    
    
    
    
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Parental forgiveness An important psychological stage of growing up. By letting go or working through negativity, you will be able to develop faster, more confident, easier, and possibly build relationships with your loved ones.

Working out resentment against parents It's complicated, but doable. The sooner you do it, the more chances that you will be able to get rid of the negativity completely.